The new day

Started to prepare for the first day of teaching at 5am! Thanks to the time change!

Emm..

I called IVI today asking if they have received my consent, and more importantly, found any donor.  The replied "yes" on the consent and "no" on the donor.  I asked how do they know they'd find any donor for me in the future, since in their most recent search there is obviously no one in the entire database. They replied "call at the next period".
I don't know.  There is not a shred of confidence in me that they will find a donor for me in the near future (we're talking about 3 months being the near future)...

All packed...again!

We're just about to leave for the airport.  This has been a short and busy summer with some sad moments...but ce la vie!

Last day of summer

Bah...returning home tomorrow.  Summer is ended and so on...

My period came 5 days early, guess since the transfer was canceled my glorious lining decided to shed it all.

I emailed the clinic but have not gotten any response, well, my consent is probably still on it's way.

Take a deep breath and think with my two heads

You know how life can hit you so fast sometimes?
Our trip to IVI in Madrid yesterday was a smooth one. The facility seems impressive (I took some photos and found a few from their website); the reception is friendly and the price is great.  Here's one problem, though, their donors are from Spain ONLY. To find my match, I would have to search through a pool of mix-raced donors, all with some Spanish lineage.  I don't mind that.  It's not the blood or the lineage that I care, it's not that I'm not going to love this child so much and make him/her the happiest person ever.  I feel like with every treatment, every consultation, our chance to become parents soon is even more remote, and our choice is more limited.  There are frozen donor egg that costs about $15000>< a cycle, in which you get 5 eggs only, and you have to share with others. A regular fresh DE cycle costs about $25000>< in NY, but I'm sure with charges add up it will get to around $30000.  The price for a fresh DE cycle in IVI goes up to $13000, including your meds, her meds, lab works, scans, both women's tests..etc. And all we have to do is sign the consent and begin the process.  Since we already bought the meds for me and did additional blood tests for DH yesterday, our next trip will be the transfer, provide that DH's sperm properly fertilize the eggs...
It's all happening too fast, I hardly had a chance to settle my brain down...;(

Had my first scan and mock transfer at IVI.

 

 

The gift shop...

Someday when I look back

This better be worth it.
Since the doctor at CFC recommended IVI in Spain, we got in touch with them right away over the weekend, because at the least we can give them our file and chat in person.  The doctor at IVI quickly got back to us, trying to help us to set up the appointment -- IN SPAIN!! Since we are neighbor to Spain until the end of the month, we decided to go for a quick trip.  Luckily we were able to get a last minute over night train to get to Madrid (leave Monday night --arrive Tuesday morning), meet with the doctor and leave in the afternoon on the same day...it's insane, it almost feels like we are moving too fast with this...from reading what the U.K site says, people recommend starting the process right away because the process of donor searching can take up to a year.
SO YEAH, I GUESS WE ARE READY TO USE DONOR EGGS.
A small but very tenacious part of me thinks maybe once we are able to conceive a baby using other's eggs and DH's sperm, perhaps we can reverse the protocol to use my eggs and excelled quality  donor sperm...in a perfect ideal world.

The end of our IVF journey

All four embryos arrested, they were all fertilized but none cleaved.

I don't exactly know what or how I feel right now. I think this will hit hard later...

Met with the doctor this afternoon.  He said the chance for me to be pregnant with my own eggs is less than 1%, and that we should not pursue IVF again (in a way they won't treat me there anymore).
So we agreed that this is it for us, no more IVF, we also will not return to CHR for any treatment.

I feel like I'm still in denial..I'm grieving for my natural productive failure.

An encore to June

My last cycle was abruptly cut short (in June) because out the 2 eggs, none developed normally.  As I looked back into my past infertility history, here's an interesting pattern-- If I had 8 eggs retrieved, 4 normally fertilize and two (at most) will make it to transfer, if I had 4 eggs retrieved, 2 will fertilize and one will make it to transfer. This 50%+50% cut off rate is probably the reason why my previous cycle (retrieved 2 eggs) ended up with none to transfer (it would have been a 0.5 egg according to the cut off rate). This cycle at 4 eggs, which echoes my last cycle at CWRC, the only differences being I was on a maximum dosage of a mixture of Gonal F and Menopure (and something else..?) , nonetheless the result were the same, 4 eggs. Now I'm expecting at least 1 embryo will make it back to my uterus tomorrow.  If all goes well according to my pattern, we shall leave Denmark with one little hope in me.

Eh, friends...

Dear Friends on Facebook,
      your baby pictures are killing me...but I'm so happy that you are now complete, and even though I don't know if your pregnancy was as difficult as mine (yet), you deserve nothing less.  It has become difficult though, to log on and see those wonderful pictures of babies or ultra sound of jumping heart beats, my heart aches so much..! So I've decided to not come on for a while until I'm ready.
Sincerely,
     SI

CD 9/ GONAL-F DAY 8/ Orgalutran D1

So I'm responding ok to the increased dosage, total of 4 bigger ones and 3 or 4 smaller ones.  I'm to start Orgalutran today to suppress ovulation.
Denmark is very pleasant outdoors right now.  Danish women are beautiful and they are either-- 1. biking 2. pregnant 3. pushing a baby stroller
(The whole "life is fulfilled and therefore beautiful" scene is killing me!)
But I am feeling hopeful, more than my previous cycle.  I had thought a lot in between this cycle, about my past cycles and our struggle blah blah blah...i realized the only chance it will happen and make us whole is if we keep trying until it happens. I must remain strong for myself and my eggs, that is the only way they could survive the lab and other factors.  I have to believe that there is NOTHING WRONG with me, and once we catch a good batch of eggs we will be blessed by nature, until then, it will continue to reject our hard work..

CD 7 GONAL-F DAY6

Scan shows 5 follicles total (10-11'') today, although we believe they didn't include the smaller follicles.  They've up-ed my Gonal-F from 150iu to 225iu because they "didn't expect such slow grow on the follicles"...really? I've been feeling such cramp and discomfort these days!
Of course I was a bit freaked out because my Gonal-F pen also had about 125iu left over after it was supposed be all used up. I started to believe maybe it had malfunctioned somehow and shorted my daily dosage, which could then explain my "slow growth".  So I added about 125iu or whatever the left over was in the cartridge to my shot yesterday.   But then I read that every 900iu Gonal-F has about 125iu "prime" extra, in case someone wants to "prime" the shots.  Well, it's still less than my 450iu days so I'm in peace.
Going back on Sat for another scan, the nurse said ET might be on Wednesday next week. Can't believe we are at it again..!

Off soon

Yesterday was my 4th day on150 Gonal-F, now I'm getting obsessive about the dosage vs. eggs.  I know the chance of me getting a surprising amount of eggs basically non-existent, and OHSS is not even remotely a concern even by my doctor because my system is kind of stingy that way.  However, I would like to be shocked (just once maybe?) like some other ladies who didn't respond well on high dosage but "exploded" with smaller dose of stim, I'd very much like that...

We are off tomorrow, flying straight to Copenhagen (got a direct train to the airport  thank god) then heading right off to the clinic from the airport for scans etc. AS of right now I have some discomfort in my lower abandonment and I'm bloated.

This is our last attempt at CFC, whatever happens after this, I'm not going back to it.

Baby dreams

I can always feel the significant change of my general mood after being on stims, I also hate those baby dreams, especially the vivid ones.

My sister in law has just passed.  It took2 years for her and the family to accept that she was going eventually die.  It was a long, exhausting two years where there were glimpse of hope that were crushed by reality.  We were not close (that's another story which takes a lot of therapy and time to tell), but I made sure she knew that she was always in our thoughts, and if she needed anything, we were here for her. 

I would without doubt choose her life if I can have the joy of starting a family, as she had two children and a wonderful time raising them. She was surrounded by her husband, children and grandchildren at her final moment, she was gone peacefully and content.
When I die, who would be by my side?
Life hasn't gotten anymore depressing, it's me, I've become this eternally pessimistic person.

Tickets booked for our last Denmark IVF

Heading out next Thursday.  I haven't been as obsessed as I was before, looking at all the boards and posts, I want to keep my heart and mind somewhat dormant, until the moment comes.  I've been reading a lots of the encouraging stories though, people who under gone multiple IVFs with ultimate success. These things keep me hopeful, they give me the courage to continue this tormenting road.
The nurse have said that I will be under local anesthesia with morphine. Husband assures me that it will take care of all the pain because that is what they give to patients with terminal illness who suffer extreme pain.  Once I'm on that table, my only mind is to have all of my eggs out and hopefully get them back, the pain, the terror, they are nothing if I can become a mommie.