I wish it was all made up

Had to deal with some internet drama today where I was actually accused of making up my 9.5th past IVF and the upcoming 10th IVF. I guess it is hard to believe, how could some stupid couple go for it 10 times???? I do find that hard to digest, even to myself. Where did the time go??
The best part of all this is the FB support group that is going at 150 members soon! <:D

Kutcher, Kunis and Moore

Milan Kunis is pregnant.  Yay.  I'm sure they had been working 

on it for a while. This lead me to think about the tabloid's hay day portrayal of Demi Moore's "desperate but fruitless attempt to have a baby with Kurcher".  Maybe she did, maybe she didn't, the world certainly loves the gossips as it is the price for celebritism. 

A friend of mine's two children are 2 and 5 today, she was pregnant around the time we started trying.  I know it's useless to feel pitiful... it's just 

I can't help but feel so behind.......:(

Will I ever be able to catch this train...???

Trading the whines with a glass of good wine.

It took 26 days!!!!!

I ( think) that I finally ovulated, 26 days after my period. A fairly normal 28 day cycle gets knocked out it's orbit by ivf and it's happened 9.5 times already,  it's become my life. Breath, sleep, eat, work, and infertility; thinking, computing and scheming a way out or around infertility by all measures is now "living" for us.  The desire of extending our family but unable after 5 years of attempt, burns me. 

My clock is ticking so fast, but time, time is passing ever so slow...

Ass backwards

Snow snow snow. This winter has been nothing but freezing road and sludgy rain. Ugh!
Bless the newfound movie site, I took some brave liberty to watch this bizarre, depressing yet chicky movie called "Ass Backwards"------>

It's basically a film  adaptation of "girls", with less "issues"-- two oblivious, charming broke young women living on the constant opposite site of windfall dreaming of winning the local beauty pageant but neither processes the winning necessaty. While they inevitably lost the pageant, through it all they were able to redefine and solidify their friendship. What's worth mentioning-- one of the girl is an "egg donor", whoa didn't  see that one coming!  I hope they understand despite the movie's attempt to portrait her as an unawaring "sore looser", I feel she must be one of the luckiest women alive, being able to sell her eggs for a living--World runs away from my inadequate eggs and I'm suppose to appreciate everything else I'm surrounded with, while one thing that I have never wanted more than ANYTHING ELSE other than oxygen remains the stubbornly elusive dream filled with realizations of hopelessness and uncertainty.

Meanwhile there is nothing to report as far as our 10th IVF (9.5 actually), still waiting to start priming, which will probably be the end of this month, stim at the end of April.  I had thought maybe we should take one vial of S's frozen sperm and have it analyzed for abnormality, as we were speaking of that, our puppy took a long, relaxing pee on the rug so our discussion had to abruptly end. Turns out also, we have a vial of donor sperm that we were going to dispose of, but now, we might give another thought...

My "hairy" gig is done, patting myself on the shoulder! :)

Update on protocol #

#6 Trstostrone priming(as I recall), no Clomid(YES!!) and no Citritide, instead with Microdose Lupron to prevent ovulation. And the best thing is: no need to submitt day3 blodd again, it's good for a year!;)

 Now our next two months are as clear as a crystal ball:) Bring it on, we are more than ready to part with this stage of our lives!!!

Limbo... Sort of

I've asked the nurse several times to confirm with the dr about the protocal for next cycle. He had indicated once that we'd do a different protocol next cycle, #6 instead of #5. I trust it's because we were able to retrieve 13eggs, granted only half were mature but it was still a much better number than he expected. I wonder if he remembers us discussing the lead follicle situation possibly caused by clomid: whenever there's clomid, I seem to have lead follicle problems. So far we have not heard back from him, the nurse said he was out until Monday. I don't need to have a discussion with him, just like to hear the rationale behind his desicions...or an indication of thoughts rather than something generic.

Another prospect of this that really annoy me, is not being able to nail anything down on my calendar. We are trying to plan for the summer, therefore the difference of a priming cycle vs. straight forward cycle makes the world of difference in terms of timing. We are talking about April or May, we are taking about buying tickets; we are talking about travel arrangements;bills;pet vaccine shots; visas; etc etc etc. There are an awful lot to consider which a simple yes or no can helps us a great deal with planning the next 6 months.

The 2nd worst part of infertility treatment is putting our lives on hold, not being able to make concrete commitments, and telling friends that we can't make our way to see them even though we have a perfect 3 months opening...

Ok I confess, also last week I took on a last minute gig which turned out to be a much bigger bite, so yeah I'm scrambling to get through with it:/ 

The positive beta-3 test is a pleasant news but really, will there be the ultimate good news that washes away all of our frustration, sadness, impatience, broken heart and physical turbulence? We just won't know.
 A simple process broken down to so any hurdles to which each hurdle either opens up more doors or shutters dreams. I don't know if I'm in denial or hopeful, because my mysteriously bad eggs and DH's older sperm obviously haven't enjoyed uniting for miracles for the past 7.5 cycles, that doesn't even include the 11 fruitless IUI we did. Why do I feel hopeful? CCRM definitely has the reputation of "miracle factory", and 13 eggs retrieved put us in the cloud of imagination for the first time, but reality is reality.  I'm not a religious person and I don't pray just to get things. But I do believe in miracles. I'm sincerely hoping mother nature will breath us some blessing, for THE one thing that we want and need so badly, and have tried so so hard for.