Spoke a little too soon..

Nurse called yesterday to let me know that once again, my vD level is low (27 as suppose the 30's). I stopped the vD pill in the summer because I was getting ridiculous amount of sun and lots of great, organic food. More pills, yay. Also, apparently Labcop did not perform the Antibody test, so I have to go to get it done. 
Next week we get to know a lot of stuff, timing on the priming, tentative stim/retrival date, etc.  Of course being the FB group adm gives me a great excuse to be mentally drained in the infertility gossip all day long, or whenever I'm on my computer/phone...
My head is spinning. Literally all day, it's spinning around the fact that after 5 years of trying, we are still babyless.  I don't want to be making a holiday card with the two of us and our two furry pals smiling while trying to hint that our life is flawless.. it's not without children, by all means. We love eachother, and DH is truly an amazing human being, but I need to be a mother, or I will be sad and depressed forever.
When DH and I met, became friends, courted and finally decided to join our unions, we receive warm blessings, and also nasty predicaments, that our relationship "won't last", or we "will never have a baby because. .." I know people will say the nastiest things if it means hurting you would please them, I do not take these things to heart. Time will always do the talk, and we are just glad that these people are not part of our lives. 
Why and why? All ask the question. It can't be answered because our technology isn't advanced enough to beat good embryos out of us 100% of the time, or make the embryos stick...or..so on.  Moreover,  where is my place among the many tales of infertile? Would I be lucky enough to pass on my/our genes to bio logical children? Or do we eventually succumb to mother nature's "winner's survival" rule, when people are feeding me stories of "single sperm IVF success", or "woman at 60's becomes mother of twins via IVF"? All seems like we at least stand some chance...right?

Best blood draw EVER

I decided to finish some blood work that were still missing from Ccrm's chart, separate from the day3 blood planned for the hospital.  There is a new Labcorp right around the corner I discovered the other day, since it's so close I went this morning so we are on a clean slate next week. The place was completely empty, clean and quiet. The receptionist who was also the blood tech drew my blood in a matter if minutes:) I also asked about day2 and the answer was an expected "no". Oh well!  

One week before Beta3 and D2/3 blood draw

A few days ago I was walking our dog in the morning, when I ran into a lady who lives nearby. I had completely forgotten that she was 8 month pregnant at the time, when my dog started to "hop" over to her dogs, wanting to say hi, which made her dogs also started to get excited.  She told me that she'd rather not have my dog near her because she was "super pregnant".  Boy, is there a day I'd be able to say something like that?
As to the biopsy and d2/3 blood, I have another week to go, errrr.
There is a point of time, where I feel like our baby dreams seems so far....
I just want to get started on those patches, needles, hormones and pills, I don't care how unpleasant they are!!!!!

Ovulation, you stressed me out!

My ovulation delayed for days before it finally surged midnight last night. Since I needed this date to determine my beta3 test, I feared that somehow I have missed the surge. But, it's here, and I'm going to call my OB today. Another step closer to our lab dream, yay!

Ccrm Manual

Finally have my day3 blood shipping kit coming on the way, yay. Called the hospitals outpatient lab to confirm today, double checking for any possibility of unwanted surprise. Luckily all confirmed as long as I have the order, the kit and the prepaid shipping label. One step closer to our Jan cycle. Still lots to be done!

Regroup recap

Regroup call was rather nerve wracking to begin with when Dr. S said my AMH was at 1.7, whereas they "like to see it at 1.8"... :( ---BUT! We are going forward with the Testostrone Priming Protocol this month (mid-late Decmber), with the expectation of cycling in Jan.

Now we keep calm and get through the last to the holiday season!

The waiting game

2 days to the regroup call, a month and half to my possible cycle, I'm anxious. Several blogger friends and group members are already pregnant from their FETs, I'm so anxious. 

Hers my plan, sorry if it's a bit early for the layout:)  If we get at least one  CCS normal embryo, we will attempt another cycle, if we don't end up with any normal embryo, we will immediately switch to DE. Or, if somehow we end up with 2 plus normal embryos in the first round, we will do FET right after.  So there it is, our next 7 months in planning.

What's to thank for after +4 years of infertility

I've always known that conceiving would be difficult, just didn't realized what it really meant. When I was 27, I thought it would be an appropriate time start a family, as my mother gave birth to me at age 28 Next year I will be 32 years old. S and I have already been an old married couple for 3 years, adding up to a total of 6 years of day and night!

So, even with infertility being one of the most hear wrenching thing in my life, there are so much that I appreciate --

First, I'm thankful for being alive, even if this life brings heck lot of pain and disappointment; I'm thankful to be able to experience these emotions.  I'm thankful for the rain drops in the Spring; the winter snow flakes; Summer breezeand Fall turning leaves. This life is wonderful of its own, and it will always be wonderful after I am gone.

Then there's my family. My trooper mother and my husband S. It's cliche to say, but truthfully, I had never known anyone who is so kind, compassionate and honest. Without him, I would never have dared to start a family, having been on my own for so long. He deserves all the happiness in the world.

Oh, and there's CCRM, our CCRM SUPPORT GROUP just exceeded 50 people!!! Thank you all wonderful ladies!!

Happy happy Thanksgiving, hope our next thanksgiving will be a lot messier and noisier:)

Follow up on the new OB

It went well. I was not even charged a consultation fee! I explained to her what I'm going through with ccrm and what will need to be done, and she was very understanding. So far so good! Now I'm excited about the regroup call next week, with protocol, cycle timing etc!

New ob

I'm meeting my new on for the first time this Wednesday, I hope the person is able to help with my situation, or she will refer me to someone who could. 

I (TOO) BELIEVE IN MIRACLES

Finally, Aubrey is knocked up!! When you follow someone's infertility journey through out 2 years that finally ends, it's pure joy, it made my day. I had been sneaking up on her site to check for progress for the past 2 weeks!

These days

So much happening yet not so much happening on the baby making side.  AMAZINGLY though, our FB group now has 30 people, all perspective or current patient, all supportive and so kind!!
I'm thinking about my pen friend, Aubrey, and I wish wish wish wish wish she is sweetly blessed already after her FET.
CCRM is running an ongoing study with Acai supplement.  All the girls in the group are talking about it so I finally called my nurse, who said she would run by the doctor to see if I qualify-- I would have to take that for 3 month like every other supplement. Suddenly I CAN'T WAIT for my regroup call on Dec 2nd...!
Off to NC tomorrow to visit friends, had to board our pooch :( I already miss his rescaleness!! :)

FB CCRM GROUP

We built a Facebook open support group!!

JOIN
  CCRM OPEN GROUP
*If privacy is a fair concern for you, I would encourage you to create a complete alias Facebook account for the group communication, this will be the best and safest option to protect your privacy! :)

OUR ODWU AT CCRM 10/31/2013

So we didn't go in costumes (boo).  Our day started at 6:45AM, as dawn was just started to blemish the night shade, we promptly woke up at 530am, chucked down breakfast at 6 and got to  CCRM's door right on time.  There was indeed a busy days ahead of us!  First the group class, which I'm sure is very useful  to people who are new to IVF and ART in general. But we are "veterans" (quote Dr's words), so it all sounded like yahleeyahlee, blah blah. Then we met up with Dr. S, and chatted with him about our history a bit; next we met with the financial lady whom we handed a $1000 deposits for IVF to; then came the consent lady, then my HSG (not bad at all with air pumped instead of H2O)  then lunch time, which we spent nearly all of it on DH's urology appointment across the street. In the afternoon both of us had more blood draws (We are doing most of the test back home in Philly, only did on spot the ones required to be done in house) It helps with insurance covering some of the expense, since ours doesn't cover the lab work here in Denver (said to be too close to the hospital??)
Here's what we spent so far in our ODWU

1. $1000 IVF deposit (check, this is a must if you're doing IVF)
2. $905 Blood work for both of us 
3. $326 Consultation fee
4. $450 Hysteroscope
5. $ 340 DH's urologist exam and blood draw
TOTAL = $3021

Baseline for CD5 LO: 5--7 follicles RO: 3 follicles, guess I'm back to the old routine again.
My Hysteroscope was good, no problem, my uterine blood flow came out excellent (thanks to the running), and the structure of the uterus is good. All my hardware are great, however all the problem seem to reside in the software. Apart from that, I loved our hotel the Hilton Garden inn! The room was big and the bed was very comfy! Although I did have to request another blanket :) Moreover It's literally 5 min to the clinic!
Although it is extremely uncertain that according to our history, our outcome would somehow be totally and positively opposite of what we been though with other clinics, we are hopeful, and peaceful, that we are/have made the most effort to or commitment to have a family.

Tomorrow!

Our records are HUGE! We are bringing everything with us so they can pick out what they want staying. Still don't have a car yet :( There might be a storm in CO this Thursday so we have to rent a 4W car, we definitely will have plenty of space!

Day#1 no caffeine

Yolo!

I'm drinking the coffee substitute-- ginger tea. It's simple to boil, just take some fresh ginger, cut it into thin pieces and boil with water. It's kept me away from the winter cold! ;)

Time flies...

The little prince is already gotten his christening, and is growing bigger every time he's under the spot light.

I remember, when everyone was gossiping about Wil & Kate's "baby issues" and making all kinds of assumptions, I kind felt there was still time for me since one of the most expected couple in the world is still figuring things out... And next--Bang! Preggers! 

It kind of depresses me, being abusolutly no where with our dream- absolutely nowhere....while others are beating the clock on baby making:(

But hey, here's something to hang on to, the Duggar family is "having issue" coming up with their 16th baby!

I admit, I feel very alone today. 

Recent Stuff

There hasn't been much said or done recently since our phone consult, we did book flights and hotel. Since we are only going to be there for 1 1/2 day, there is obviously not much on our bucket list for "fun", we need to get as much done as possible during our ODWU. Our day starts at 6:46AM, first meeting with nurse, financial stuff, tests for both S and I, etc.
On another note, our puppy Mozart has finally grown to like his crate (SOB..!) He's been such a good boy, though with a few puzzling new habits, I can tell he's going through phases (GOTH INCOMING?). HA.
I'm sad, about a forum that I went to often for support and pure infertility gossip, everyone knows what I'm talking about, right? It seems like they have lost their juice over annoying advertisement and equally difficult operating platform. I'm not even positing anything anymore because it's pointless, people who are vocal are moving on, and the rest rather stay browsing. A community is about interacting, communicating and supporting, I'm sad to see that gone.

Life with CCRM

We had our phone consult with DR. Surrey at CCRM this week. It went rather uneventful, they are willing to try a cycle with us, if we can't get the embryos to divide at lease we could get an answer from them.  I went to get my chromosome and Beta3 intergrin done yesterday, my OB was unfamiliar with Beta3 so he requested to speak with ccrm about it. Out ODWU is scheduled on Oct 31st, how fitting is that? :-0

I have a feeling that this will be a long process, judging from our past experience, we are looking at January to February next year. 

Our new puppy has really grown in just 3 weeks, he's one head taller than before! However potty training is still tricky because we live in the city...yak:(

About that baby thing

...ever been told by someone, that she "didn't want babies because...etc,etc"?

And next thing you find out they are 6 months along expecting their sweet baby?

Always feels like a slap on the face...

Over joyed.. and...?

I'm so happy to have found out one of the ladies I follow is now PREGGERS! YAY!
As to us, last week I was offered some new responsibilities--so now I'm living with 4 deadlines.  With our PC with CCRM coming in a week, I wonder if I should send them our record?...
Our new pooch is great, although he is causing some issues at home with potty training...go figure! :/

Phone consultation with CCRM

We are all over the place-- ED, home insemination, and now, we have just booked a phone consultation with CCRM.  The consultation is free, so what the heck.  Our medical records are a thick stack of past failures waiting to be revisited.  Once organized I will enter them into the patient account. Seriously, I can't believe we have gone through 8 IVFs already...(:/

Our first puppy, home insemination and ordering sperm from Denmark

It's been 3 weeks since we came home, everything has been on the emotional-side because after all the chaos, we are exactly where we were before the summer.  We are kind of stuck waiting for donors from both Madrid and CHR right now, that could take months even if we are lucky.  Meanwhile my body is quietly going through its natural cycles, and that makes feel... Empty.  I started to seriously looking into home insemination with donor sperm again, something I did before while doing iui at CWRC.  The truth is, I hated going to CWRC, it just felt so mechanical and depressing. 

 The doctor in Denmark made it very clear that while my eggs are weak, they will however thrive on a "18 year old's sperm".  I know this sounds funny coming from someone with 11 iui and 8 ivf under her belt and still trying-- but I do totally believe that my body can conceive naturally one of those times, except I would do home insemination than going to a clinic. Right near my home there is a small clinic that offers walk-in scan/bloodwork etc, and that's all I'm going to do-- get a scan on day 2& 13, and inseminate myself at home.

We are ordering sperm from Cryointernational Denmark. Although our choices of donors ate limited only from the "USA compliant" donors (smaller pool of course). The shipping is 2 days from the day of order, so if I order on Monday (they only ship between Mon and Wed) I should expect it on Friday. The sperm is going to arrive in a hydro tank, which needs to be returned after usage. The tank can stay cold for a couple of weeks if you don't peek into it. If they ship to a private residence, they will attach the home insemination kit with it.

I've called Fairfax cryo about home insem, however they require doctor's consent. Now we all know insemination is a simple process provided you know well what you are doing. Since we've been dealing with this for 4 years, I'm comfortable doing it while waiting for plan B to take place.

Our new puppy comes home early tomorrow morning since it wasn't planned by us but the seller were able to ship him off earlier, we had to rush out to get toys, food and crate for the him today...;)

The new day

Started to prepare for the first day of teaching at 5am! Thanks to the time change!

Emm..

I called IVI today asking if they have received my consent, and more importantly, found any donor.  The replied "yes" on the consent and "no" on the donor.  I asked how do they know they'd find any donor for me in the future, since in their most recent search there is obviously no one in the entire database. They replied "call at the next period".
I don't know.  There is not a shred of confidence in me that they will find a donor for me in the near future (we're talking about 3 months being the near future)...

All packed...again!

We're just about to leave for the airport.  This has been a short and busy summer with some sad moments...but ce la vie!

Last day of summer

Bah...returning home tomorrow.  Summer is ended and so on...

My period came 5 days early, guess since the transfer was canceled my glorious lining decided to shed it all.

I emailed the clinic but have not gotten any response, well, my consent is probably still on it's way.

Take a deep breath and think with my two heads

You know how life can hit you so fast sometimes?
Our trip to IVI in Madrid yesterday was a smooth one. The facility seems impressive (I took some photos and found a few from their website); the reception is friendly and the price is great.  Here's one problem, though, their donors are from Spain ONLY. To find my match, I would have to search through a pool of mix-raced donors, all with some Spanish lineage.  I don't mind that.  It's not the blood or the lineage that I care, it's not that I'm not going to love this child so much and make him/her the happiest person ever.  I feel like with every treatment, every consultation, our chance to become parents soon is even more remote, and our choice is more limited.  There are frozen donor egg that costs about $15000>< a cycle, in which you get 5 eggs only, and you have to share with others. A regular fresh DE cycle costs about $25000>< in NY, but I'm sure with charges add up it will get to around $30000.  The price for a fresh DE cycle in IVI goes up to $13000, including your meds, her meds, lab works, scans, both women's tests..etc. And all we have to do is sign the consent and begin the process.  Since we already bought the meds for me and did additional blood tests for DH yesterday, our next trip will be the transfer, provide that DH's sperm properly fertilize the eggs...
It's all happening too fast, I hardly had a chance to settle my brain down...;(

Had my first scan and mock transfer at IVI.

 

 

The gift shop...

Someday when I look back

This better be worth it.
Since the doctor at CFC recommended IVI in Spain, we got in touch with them right away over the weekend, because at the least we can give them our file and chat in person.  The doctor at IVI quickly got back to us, trying to help us to set up the appointment -- IN SPAIN!! Since we are neighbor to Spain until the end of the month, we decided to go for a quick trip.  Luckily we were able to get a last minute over night train to get to Madrid (leave Monday night --arrive Tuesday morning), meet with the doctor and leave in the afternoon on the same day...it's insane, it almost feels like we are moving too fast with this...from reading what the U.K site says, people recommend starting the process right away because the process of donor searching can take up to a year.
SO YEAH, I GUESS WE ARE READY TO USE DONOR EGGS.
A small but very tenacious part of me thinks maybe once we are able to conceive a baby using other's eggs and DH's sperm, perhaps we can reverse the protocol to use my eggs and excelled quality  donor sperm...in a perfect ideal world.

The end of our IVF journey

All four embryos arrested, they were all fertilized but none cleaved.

I don't exactly know what or how I feel right now. I think this will hit hard later...

Met with the doctor this afternoon.  He said the chance for me to be pregnant with my own eggs is less than 1%, and that we should not pursue IVF again (in a way they won't treat me there anymore).
So we agreed that this is it for us, no more IVF, we also will not return to CHR for any treatment.

I feel like I'm still in denial..I'm grieving for my natural productive failure.

An encore to June

My last cycle was abruptly cut short (in June) because out the 2 eggs, none developed normally.  As I looked back into my past infertility history, here's an interesting pattern-- If I had 8 eggs retrieved, 4 normally fertilize and two (at most) will make it to transfer, if I had 4 eggs retrieved, 2 will fertilize and one will make it to transfer. This 50%+50% cut off rate is probably the reason why my previous cycle (retrieved 2 eggs) ended up with none to transfer (it would have been a 0.5 egg according to the cut off rate). This cycle at 4 eggs, which echoes my last cycle at CWRC, the only differences being I was on a maximum dosage of a mixture of Gonal F and Menopure (and something else..?) , nonetheless the result were the same, 4 eggs. Now I'm expecting at least 1 embryo will make it back to my uterus tomorrow.  If all goes well according to my pattern, we shall leave Denmark with one little hope in me.

Eh, friends...

Dear Friends on Facebook,
      your baby pictures are killing me...but I'm so happy that you are now complete, and even though I don't know if your pregnancy was as difficult as mine (yet), you deserve nothing less.  It has become difficult though, to log on and see those wonderful pictures of babies or ultra sound of jumping heart beats, my heart aches so much..! So I've decided to not come on for a while until I'm ready.
Sincerely,
     SI

CD 9/ GONAL-F DAY 8/ Orgalutran D1

So I'm responding ok to the increased dosage, total of 4 bigger ones and 3 or 4 smaller ones.  I'm to start Orgalutran today to suppress ovulation.
Denmark is very pleasant outdoors right now.  Danish women are beautiful and they are either-- 1. biking 2. pregnant 3. pushing a baby stroller
(The whole "life is fulfilled and therefore beautiful" scene is killing me!)
But I am feeling hopeful, more than my previous cycle.  I had thought a lot in between this cycle, about my past cycles and our struggle blah blah blah...i realized the only chance it will happen and make us whole is if we keep trying until it happens. I must remain strong for myself and my eggs, that is the only way they could survive the lab and other factors.  I have to believe that there is NOTHING WRONG with me, and once we catch a good batch of eggs we will be blessed by nature, until then, it will continue to reject our hard work..

CD 7 GONAL-F DAY6

Scan shows 5 follicles total (10-11'') today, although we believe they didn't include the smaller follicles.  They've up-ed my Gonal-F from 150iu to 225iu because they "didn't expect such slow grow on the follicles"...really? I've been feeling such cramp and discomfort these days!
Of course I was a bit freaked out because my Gonal-F pen also had about 125iu left over after it was supposed be all used up. I started to believe maybe it had malfunctioned somehow and shorted my daily dosage, which could then explain my "slow growth".  So I added about 125iu or whatever the left over was in the cartridge to my shot yesterday.   But then I read that every 900iu Gonal-F has about 125iu "prime" extra, in case someone wants to "prime" the shots.  Well, it's still less than my 450iu days so I'm in peace.
Going back on Sat for another scan, the nurse said ET might be on Wednesday next week. Can't believe we are at it again..!

Off soon

Yesterday was my 4th day on150 Gonal-F, now I'm getting obsessive about the dosage vs. eggs.  I know the chance of me getting a surprising amount of eggs basically non-existent, and OHSS is not even remotely a concern even by my doctor because my system is kind of stingy that way.  However, I would like to be shocked (just once maybe?) like some other ladies who didn't respond well on high dosage but "exploded" with smaller dose of stim, I'd very much like that...

We are off tomorrow, flying straight to Copenhagen (got a direct train to the airport  thank god) then heading right off to the clinic from the airport for scans etc. AS of right now I have some discomfort in my lower abandonment and I'm bloated.

This is our last attempt at CFC, whatever happens after this, I'm not going back to it.

Baby dreams

I can always feel the significant change of my general mood after being on stims, I also hate those baby dreams, especially the vivid ones.

My sister in law has just passed.  It took2 years for her and the family to accept that she was going eventually die.  It was a long, exhausting two years where there were glimpse of hope that were crushed by reality.  We were not close (that's another story which takes a lot of therapy and time to tell), but I made sure she knew that she was always in our thoughts, and if she needed anything, we were here for her. 

I would without doubt choose her life if I can have the joy of starting a family, as she had two children and a wonderful time raising them. She was surrounded by her husband, children and grandchildren at her final moment, she was gone peacefully and content.
When I die, who would be by my side?
Life hasn't gotten anymore depressing, it's me, I've become this eternally pessimistic person.

Tickets booked for our last Denmark IVF

Heading out next Thursday.  I haven't been as obsessed as I was before, looking at all the boards and posts, I want to keep my heart and mind somewhat dormant, until the moment comes.  I've been reading a lots of the encouraging stories though, people who under gone multiple IVFs with ultimate success. These things keep me hopeful, they give me the courage to continue this tormenting road.
The nurse have said that I will be under local anesthesia with morphine. Husband assures me that it will take care of all the pain because that is what they give to patients with terminal illness who suffer extreme pain.  Once I'm on that table, my only mind is to have all of my eggs out and hopefully get them back, the pain, the terror, they are nothing if I can become a mommie.

"Not like forever, 17 times," says Dion. But "I'm going to try until it works."

by MARISA LAUDADIO http://www.people.com/people/archive/article/0,,20350757,00.html

As Celine Dion was packing her family's bags for a vacation one morning last December, her fertility doctor called her Florida home with her latest test results. But, watching as her husband of 15 years, René Angélil, broke down in tears, she knew it wasn't the news they had hoped for. She wasn't pregnant; her fourth IVF attempt had failed.

Dion was devastated, but given that her son, 9-year-old René-Charles, was downstairs waiting to leave for Disney World, the singer had to keep her feelings in check. "I didn't want to get into the emotion—it wasn't time to cry about something that didn't work," she recalls. Instead she reached for a silver lining: "I said to him, 'The bad news is Mommy isn't pregnant. But the good news is I'm going to be able to go on every ride with you!' And I did. We had a ball."

Almost two months later Dion is preparing to take another roller-coaster ride. Her film Celine: Through the Eyes of the World, which documents her recent yearlong 132-date tour, hits theaters Feb. 17, and she'll kick off a new Las Vegas show in 2011. As her career moves on, she has also decided to give her dream of a second baby another chance. "Not like forever, 17 times," says Dion. But "I'm going to try until it works."

In January Dion, 41, began the grueling process of preparing her body for her fifth IVF attempt in six months: estrogen patches, blood tests every other day ("Your veins get weak"), frequent ultrasounds and daily hormone injections. "It's not, 'Oh, poor Celine,' but it's a lot," she says, touching her bruised thighs, which are numb and full of lumps from the long needles that go deep into the muscle. "I give the shots to myself. But René's with me." The hormones that help make a pregnancy possible also bring a tidal wave of emotions; sometimes Dion cries for no reason at all. "We go crazy waiting for the results," says Angélil, 68. "It's like waiting for the lotto, but it's bigger than that—imagine. It's the biggest news you can get." Says Dion: "You do everything [right], and you're careful, and you rest, and then ..."

Her first IVF attempt in August, in fact, seemed to work. News of her pregnancy leaked to the press, so Dion felt an obligation to her fans to confirm it, only to lose the pregnancy days later. She and Angélil decided to try again the next month. "Everybody's calling to congratulate me, they're sending balloons and gifts, and I don't return their calls to thank them. How do I do that?" she says. "I felt bad because I was not pregnant."

Nor is her struggle easy for Dion to explain to her son, whom she calls R.C. "He said, 'Wasn't it supposed to be 100 percent?'" she says. "I said, 'It's like nature, a little flower grows and then too much wind and then ... [But] another one's going to grow.'"

The couple's second and third procedures last fall were also unsuccessful, and with a new Vegas show deal in the works by then, Dion thought their fourth round of IVF in December would be their last. Learning that it had also failed felt like "an end to motherhood. I found it really hard," says the singer, who grew up with 13 siblings. So when Angélil—who says they're "not really" considering adoption—told her over the holidays that he wanted to try again, she was overjoyed. "There's something inside of me that says [not to] give myself that pressure, that it's my last time," she says, adding that doctors say they were "extremely lucky" to become pregnant with R.C. on their first IVF try 10 years ago and that four or five attempts are not uncommon for couples with fertility issues. "She knows a lot of women have this problem," says her sister Manon, 49. Adds Dion: "We would love to expand our family. But honestly I'm more than blessed with my son. He is everything for me."

So much so that the world's top earner in album and concert sales for the last decade wakes up at the very un-showbiz hour of 6:30 a.m. every weekday to drive her son to "his first normal school" (he was home-schooled in Las Vegas and on her world tour) 10 minutes from their home in Jupiter, Fla. When R.C. isn't manipulating music on his computer or deejay table ("Rihanna's big-time in our house," she says), he's playing golf, basketball and, more recently, baseball and soccer. The second grader is sleeping in his parents' bed (along with the family's 5-month-old female yellow Lab, Charlie) while he adjusts to his new surroundings after living on the road for so long. "I'm more than fine with it," says Dion. "I have my two boys with me, the dog that snores, a fish tank that bubbles, the pet rat Lionel that scratches—everybody's with Mommy! There's a lot of action!" she laughs. "It's not about beauty sleep anymore. When they're not there, you miss it so much."

That's why Angélil, who's also her manager, scheduled Dion's upcoming Vegas show—which will include favorites from her own repertoire plus hit movie songs—around their son's school schedule. The Caesars Palace residency will launch March 15, 2011, with or without a baby in tow, and will include about 70 performances a year. Says Dion: "I'll balance my showbiz life with my most important job: motherhood."

To that end, she's hoping the fifth IVF try's the charm. "We tell her, 'Cross your fingers—and your legs!'" says her sister Manon. Plus, "Five's my lucky number, so this is the time it's got to [work]," says Dion. "We would love for my son to have a brother or sister—no rats, no dogs, no fish can replace that, you know? But you don't control. It's up to God.... One way or another we're going to be good."

A terrible week

The week itself was great, caught on with lots of tv shows and lots of indulgence starting from gorgeous sun to awesome food.  

But I couldn't sleep, and even if I try to I'd have horrible dreams.

In one dream i dreamed that I killed someone, and later I was dying of a disease no one would tell me what it was.

I know ovulation can cause a lots of hormonal problems. We are due to start another cycle in a little over a week, I'm always wondering whether "this is it" or it ends up being another number on my chart that further validates me as an infertile. 

4 years. It has to end, soon.

Husband says I need to have hope, I do, but the fear of being broken again is already lurking around the corner:(

From my mom

My mom just sent me this today--

Making plans

Turns out it's just as difficult as we thought to get lab work and meds in France for our Denmark cycle...so what the heck, we booked a trip to Denmark for scan and meds on July 29.  We will return home the next day to start stim, then 8 days later, be in Denmark again for the retrieval and hopefully ET.

A little frustration comes a long way

OK, I'm annoyed. In fact I have been feeling annoyed.  The dr in Denmark is not getting back to me as he promised...

Every time I write to him, I either wait 1 week with no reply or I'm told he will contact but then no follow up. This time I called his cel phone as he demanded I do, several times no one picks up then he picks up said he's in the middle of a procedure that he'd contact me later that night, that was last night:(((((

We are trying to figure out how we can get the meds for the next cycle, while it's hard to book tickets in the summer at the moment.

When someone, especially a doctor makes a promise, you'd expect him/her to honor it. :( I wonder what is up really, is this personal or just how they practice?--Not very patient orientated?? It's not like that I have excessive amount of questions...

Just saw someone's siggy, her last try in IVF which resulted in a positive pregnancy, the baby stopped growing at the first ob....I am so sad, so so sad for her..... Not only I went through the whole process with her, she has been the source of my courage with this next cycle.  My heart shattered with hers.....

5 years together today

Husband and I came together since July 2008.  I'm so thankful for him... I'm so thankful that life gave him to me.

It wasn't easy, I have to admit, there were moments that I thought the world was ending (particularly during AF and ovulation).  But when you meet the right person, the two will compensate and keeping on giving the gift of love and care. ;)

Now that we are more than ready to extend our tree, we are met with tremendous obstacles, we were broken several times by disappointments and the cruel reality.  People who I got to know along this journey are all troopers, so strong and compassionate.  Every cycle we get through together, some will succeed and end their journey, while others continue to try.  My heart breaks when someone I know going though a tough cycle, or encounter unexpected set back, all I can think is how tough that would be and how many more scars it would add to their journey...

Why me..? Why us....? I constantly feel like my heart is being slowly cooked in anticipation...only the anticipation is the best I can get...

I have lived 4 years trying to become a mother, while other people are already having their 2nd and 3 rd editions... Waking up in the morning, going to sleep at night, I have only one thing in mind.

I hate pills, yet I'm taking 10 + pills a day.. Not evening knowing if they'd help anything...:(

Why...?? Just WHY???

Not so new protocol

Em....I got the doctor's email regarding my next cycle. Everything is the same except instead of every other day Gonal-F from day 4, it's everyday Gonal-F until CD 9-10. So same amount of clomid and more Gonal-F.
Days are getting more gorgeous everyday, I've going swimming every morning and goyaing in the afternoon.  It's been great really, even with a deep black hole inside of me all the time, it's hard to think depressingly.

Next cycle

I'm suppose to be getting a "cycle detail sheet" from my Dr at CFC tonight.  The next cycle will be the same protocol, with tweaks to the dosages. I believe the right protocol can really boost our chance, given there are so many obstacles in every cycle, and egg quality being the foremost important one... 

Werid Infertility--Baby crime movie of the month

Husband and I decided to watch a crime thriller last night on Netflix. We randomly ran into this movie by John Cusack and Jannifer Carpenter, both actors I like (and still do). I had no idea this movie turned out to be a infertility related crime story (Spoiler alert!! Stop reading if you want to watch this movie!!!) While the plot was somewhat interesting with a twist, I can't help but noticing Carpenter's character actually gets away with the crime at the end! She plays an infertile detective who is desperate to be a mother...Is this the reason why she gets away with everything at the end? Because she kills others to have their babies and raise them as her own??

My friends have recommended "Maybe baby", I will watch it when I'm ready. I just can't watch another baby film right now...

Meltdown

Yesterday I had a "Meltdown".  I just couldn't take anymore, I had to pour some of the sorrow out through uncontrollable crying.
Am I depressed? Because right now I can't even imagine being pregnant through IVF at all. I cannot see myself ever win this fight.
Husband said if I say this to myself then we might as well quit doing IVF because it's too hard on me mentally.  It's hard, it sneaks up on you and makes you feel pathetic for failing and you can't blame a thing but yourself.  Roller coasters have a stop, IF doesn't.
It hurts so much to see other women with babies or pregnant now days...This can't be healthy..:/

I don't know how everyone does it, many  women suffer longer journeys and even bigger disappointments, how could they possibly handle it? I'm not that strong...

Cycle change

AF came 4 days earlier, a 24 day cycle?? WOW, this has never happened!

A good week

Coming back from Denmark, spending time with our friend who had been house sitting while we were gone is great.  The whole week has been nice, with lots of tennis and lots of laughter and a pool party. The water was freeezing!
The doctor at CFC hasn't responded to my emails at all, it's frustrating to feel like being left at a corner. I will call him again tomorrow to find out if we should do a b2b cycle or not.

Plan B?

My RE sat down with us, described what when wrong and what went right. It is still devastating the way things turned out for us. And it is the first time we don't have anything to transfer.  Is this a sign of a worsened fate?
 He gave us a list og things that went right or wrong--
The right:
1. 2 egg at exact correct stage at retrieval.
2. Husband's sperms are in good shape, and able to to fertilize.
The wrong:
1.  One of the two eggs fertilized but failed to divide properly. (chromosomal issues?)
The "so so"
1. I produced two good eggs under this low stim (Clomid+Gonal F) protocol, it's borderline ok.

His next attempt is to reduce Clomid; increase Gonal F, and possibly add Estrace Patch.  I wonder if we will have to go to a local lab now to monitor the eggs this time.

for the first time yesterday, I thought "maybe this is it for me."  I'm 31 years old and I have had 7 failed IVFs, what more can I do? How much longer should we try?? Hubby says keep trying until we succeed like with everything else, I love him for that, and I want to believe him, I really really do...but things just don't turn out the way it does with so many other women...

It doesn't look good

The call came in this morning confirmed terrible news.  The eggs aren't properly developing, we have to come in at noon to talk to them. I'm tried and sad, and feeling nauseous about our future in infertility.  We might never have our babies, after 5 years of struggle and 7 IVFs. How much is too much and when should we give up?

ER -- the good, the bad and the ugly.

I've always read about women who undergo ER without full anesthesia suffering terrible, agonizing pain, and I've always been put under for retrievals for that reason. Yes, I'm a wuss. However I had not realized that CFC does local anesthesia only, which it felt non-existent anyway when the needle started to poke around.  I was in so much shock and pain, that DH and the nurse had to hold me tight during the 5 minutes procedure.

When we finally left the resting room, as I walked pass the retrieval room palely, I could hear someone moaning loudly in there...

The good news is we have two good eggs retrieved after 8 days of 100 clomid and 3 days of 150 Gonal F, and my husband's TESE was very satisfactory with plenty live sperm. Now we wait for the call on Monday to see if the transfer will occur.

This is the worst part for me, because we have always had less than 13% normal division rate in the past 6 IVFs. But we have always had at least 1 embryo to be transferred. I begged the differ this time..

If I have to do this again, I'm going to be knocked out, and I don't care how much it costs.:(

ET tomorrow

This cycle I triggered on CD 11, 8th day out of the stim-- as result of a large leading follicle over the rest.  Rather than sacrificing the lead follicle to save the rest, they decided to trigger earlyso at least there will be one mature egg. The reason being-"if the leading follicle bursts, the sudden surge of LH might lead to the collapse or premature ovulation of the rest of the follicles..." that's what I was told.
One doctor was certain we can only save one good egg, while another smiles and reassures us we'd get several good eggs.  I can feel my LO getting more swollen, just hoping some miracle growth for the other follicles.

Trigger tonight!!

Today's scan-- several small follicles in total (10-12), with one exceptionally large at 17, they decided to trigger tonight and have the egg retrieval this Saturday at 845 in the morning. There is a good chance we will only retrieve one good egg due to the advanced follicle size, or Viking Gods helping, we get several mature eggs. WHO KNOWS??
Bills paid so far:
Consultation + scan + DH blood draw:1245 DKK ($221 USD)
Clomid + Gonal F: 450 DKK ($80 USD)
Ovidre: 350 DKK ($62 USD)

Second trip to Copenhagen for Micro IVF

So...we missed our flight by taking direction from our GPS and ran into multiple car accidents on the way to Charles De Gull. Had to get to another airport in order to get into Copenhagen last night. The flight, while it's lucky that we were able to find seats on the evening flight, it was delayed 2 hrs. By the time we rolled out of the Metro it's near 2 am.

Going in tomorrow fir my first in cycle scan! No blood! O0

Enter the cycle

I love whenever I call Copenhagen the dr.asks--"what can I do for you?" I'm to start Clomid in 2 days, as well as Gonal F. On the 8th day of Clomid he'll see us at the clinic. Oh, and no scans until then (what a relief!) Booked our round trip flights and accommodation already!

3 more days or so

3 more days before the AF, hopefully. This is one of the longest cycles I've ever waited!

End of first consultation in Copenhagen.

The doc is putting me on Clomid + Gonal F starting CD3 (which is their CD1 for stim). ET won't be full anesthesia, which is a little bit sad because I always enjoyed getting a solid 40 minute sleep at the retrieval. We will have to be in Copenhagen on CD 11 (which is their stim CD8). We are 14 days from a new cycle. Last week we started to watch "Mad men", and sure enough, here comes infertility; watching "Parks & Rec:, here is infertility; watching "30 Rock", here's infertility:( So far the only thing that hasn't brought up IF is "Game of throne"! Honestly, I've been a infertile for so long, I can't even picture myself pregnant... :(

As for the in-cycle monitoring, it seems like we don't need much of it. The doc said I should "get one scan now" locally. On CD11 (last week) I had a scan that showed 7 antral follicles in both ovaries, the doc was thrilled to see the numbers in a natural cycle, so that's some comfort. He did say, however, the problem is my AMH, which is low. Then he pointed out that my chance to become pregnant is no greater than 25%. Let's see if we can climb this wall shall we?

IVF Copenhagen day 2--the consultation, part 1??

We showed up at the center 15 minutes early, thinking that would be enough time to fill some paperwokrs etc, but there weren't any. We sat in the waiting room until the doctor came out to greet us (on time!) Because my records never arrived, he wanted to read through my records first, and meet again tomorrow at 8am (we leave Denmark in the afternoon), then discuss further treatment plan. Basically--

1. The fertility practice here in Denmark tend to be very causal, often single sheet of paper would contain all of the test results for the patient. They try to make things as easy as possible for the patients. (My records are about 5 inches thick, yes, let's consolidate and save some trees.)
2. To my age group, they usually only transfer 1 embryo, but up to 3 maximum.
3. They only do day 2 transfer, unless there is a large number of eggs (which is unlikely in my case, since I'm shooting for a micro low stim protocol anyway).
4. They no longer take blood test (during stim??)
5. We can get monitored in France where we are before the retrieval week, it requires very little monitoring during that period (something like one ovarian ultrasound)
6. If anything happens to me during the retrial or treatment, I'm covered under their insurance.
7. We have to stay in Denmark for a fall retrieval/transfer week.
8. We will meet at 8am tomorrow, then he will give us his full thoughts after going through the paper works.
Now I feel like I'm more suspended in air.

Copenhagen day 1--pre consultation

Our GPS took us off the main highway to Charles De Gaulle way too early. We had about 1.5 hr max to get to the gate and there we were struggling with pale faces trying to get through the local stop and go traffic in Paris, not fun. I began to think that missing our flight was enivitable...thankfully, and surprisingly we made CDG on time with plenty to get some grub and use the boys&girls room...

We are taking Easyjet, the cheapest ticket possible. Our host Sharon gave us tips about transportation from the Copenhagen airport to her place (metro+bus).  I was so excited last night I couldn't sleep until the birds stared chirping, now I'm super dozy but the seat doesn't go back.....~_~

The transportation was easy, getting from the airport to Tagensvej took a little more than a hour, not bad given we had no idea about Denmark;)

The apt is nice, not exactly quiet but very close to the hospital. We are trying to come up with all questions about the consultation / logistics for tomorrow so I'm sure there will be plenty to report on!

Damn it, Beyoncé

You're pregger again?? 

Gggeeeshhhh

On another note, had a hell of time booking a two night trip at Copenhagen.

Submitted 7 reservation requests but non was taken on airbnb, which was so weird! We had such easy time booking a place the first time in SF, then the second time it got really hard to find an available place;( 

Going to Copenhagen next Tuesday!!

Happy belated mother's day:/

This morning we woke up to a fresh breath of warm morning sunshine; the birds were chirping; the room was warm-- and, this is the day day my heart is mixed with sweet and bitterness --oh Mother's Day. My husband said to me by the pillow side -"happy future Mother's Day--", I didn't know what to think. I guess since we are again, making our step toward another promising cycle, we should naturally be hopeful that coming next one, I will be congratulating myself on this day?.. Then yes, happy Future Mother's Day to me.
Called mom, left a message. She wrote back and said she received the edible arrangement, sweet!

How did our trip go? Hmmm, shall we begin with my wallet getting stolen at a Hudson News stand at the airport? More amazingly, it was found by the port authority police! Yes, you heard it right! They. Found. It! I had never ever in my life imagined that the police actually can solve a crime in timely fashion! Of course We didn't press charge because all my stuff and money were all there, and they couldn't pin point anyone naturally. but,what a miracle!!

We have our first consultation at Copenhagen fertility center next Wednesday. I already have a bucket list for the doctor. Oh by the way, they never did receive my records, bummer!

Taking off tomorrow

Home has been moved; things have been packed; cat has been chipped/vaccined/endorsed by the USDA--we are ready to take off tomorrow. (We are so exhausted!!) :P
Watching "Parc & Rec", of course Ann is doing DS...I wish it was that easy!!
 I'm excited to be cycling in Denmark, but so far they still claim to not receive my records...hem...
And now, I'm more concerned about the cat, since she's traveling with us in the cabin, I just realized that she won't have a chance to pee for at least 10 hours! She's a polite cat, but 10 hours??  0o

Stil waiting..:(

They still haven't received it, it's been 15 days since they went off with USPS... now I'm really worried :((((

Worries worries worries

My records haven't reached the hospital in Denmark...em... FedEx charges nearly $210 so I chose USPS...I might regret being cheap on this very soon:(
Give me a reason to have confidence in you, USPS!!

Endometrial injury to overcome recurrent embryo implantation failure

Interesting article-------->
Mechanical endometrial injury (biopsy/scratch or hysteroscopy) in the cycle preceding ovarian stimulation for IVF has been proposed to improve implantation in women with unexplained recurrent implantation failure (RIF). This is a systematic review and meta-analysis of studies comparing the efficacy of endometrial injury versus no intervention in women with RIF undergoing IVF. All controlled studies of endometrial biopsy/scratch or hysteroscopy performed in the cycle preceding ovarian stimulation were included and the primary outcome measure was clinical pregnancy rate. Pooling of seven controlled studies (four randomized and three non-randomized), with 2062 participants, showed that local endometrial injury induced in the cycle preceding ovarian stimulation is 70% more likely to result in a clinical pregnancy as opposed to no intervention. There was no statistically significant heterogeneity in the methods used, clinical pregnancy rates being twice as high with biopsy/scratch (RR 2.32, 95% CI 1.72–3.13) as opposed to hysteroscopy (RR 1.51, 95% CI 1.30–1.75). The evidence is strongly in favour of inducing local endometrial injury in the preceding cycle of ovarian stimulation to improve pregnancy outcomes in women with unexplained RIF. However, large randomized studies are required before iatrogenic induction of local endometrial injury can be warranted in routine clinical practice.
Some women undergoing IVF treatment fail to conceive despite several attempts with good-quality embryos and no identifiable reason. We call this ‘recurrent implantation failure’ (RIF) where the embryo fails to embed or implant within the lining of the womb. Studies have shown that inducing injury to the lining of the womb in the cycle before starting ovarian stimulation for IVF can help improve the chances of achieving pregnancy. Injury can be induced by either scratching the lining of the womb using a biopsy tube or by telescopic investigation of the womb using a camera. We performed a collective review of the available good-quality studies that used the above two methods in the cycle prior to starting ovarian stimulation for IVF. We pooled results from seven studies, which included 2062 women with RIF and assessed the difference in clinical pregnancy rates for those undergoing injury to the womb lining compared with no injury prior to IVF. The results suggest that inducing injury is 70% more likely to result in a clinical pregnancy as opposed to no treatment. Furthermore, scratching of the lining was 2-times more likely to result in a clinical pregnancy compared with telescopic evaluation of the lining of the womb. This study suggests that in women with RIF, inducing local injury to the womb lining in the cycle prior to starting ovarian stimulation for IVF can improve pregnancy outcomes. However, large studies are required before this can be warranted in routine clinical practice.

Update, crazy week

Boston and Bostonians, you are strong and you will heal with strength and love coming from all over the world.
Following the colposcopy & biopsy from the "abnormal PAP", it turned out to be benign, thankfully. I had a make up FSH done because the lab had somehow lost my blood and no one realized until I asked.  FSH – 7.8  Estradiol – 28.5 DHEA level has increased from18-29 and my AMH is 1.6, which seems better than the 1.28 from 3 years ago, even though I know it fluctuates, it still makes me feel better...small victories??
Our crazy move has almost finished, all big things have been moved except some small pieces. OYYYYE.
          

3 days late for period

I've read that DHEA can delay period, and it's happening! I've had cramps for 3 days but nothing came so far!

OFF WITH THE RECORDS

Finally put together my records and will be sending them off to Denmark tomorrow. I'm excited and anxious--would this be the game changer? Would DHEA be my ultimate savior? Would.....?
There are SO many questions that can't be answered by anyone by time, and I'm so afraid of more disappointment...yet we are still doing everything we can so we can have an opportunity to try....to try!! :(

DHEA and its side-effects

Pretty good pictorial depiction of me on DHEA----

My hair and skin have gotten a lot greasier, which doesn't bother me as I've always had dry skin. Other than that I don't really feel anything different.

Cancer scare (how I love when life decides to throw you a bad bone)

Last week I had my PAP at CHR, standard procedure.  This week the nurse informed me that my PAP came back "positive"-- the lab observed a large amount of abnormal cells(possible HPV), and requires me to follow up with a colposcopy (where the doctor goes into the cervix for close observation of lesions or displeasure).  Today I got my colposcopy, it was not a gentle procedure although short and sufferable.  The doctor took a biopsy at "2pm endo cervix" (not exactly sure what he called it) location. In the follow up meeting, he said it was not cancerous, but he needed to take a sample and will call me next week to discuss the result.  I'm relieved that I'm not in any stages of cancer, as my sister in law is currently going through her stage 4 cervical cancer treatment...we are not very close but I wish I can do more for her, if she'll let me.  The doctor said 60% of women will or already have HPV infection, as "you can get infected in your mother's vagina" (his words).
During the weekend, I kept thinking there is no way GOD would kill me before I become a mother, that thought makes me almost fearless.
So, the big scare of the week it is.

Halley Berry is preggers-- at 46!!

Gurlllll....good for you! And I'm wondering....if she went through any treatment for it...
Back to us, we are busy packing up for the big moves. I' getting all of my medical records ready to send to Denmark. In another 33 days, we will be away from New York and be somewhere rather new and strange to us...and the notion, that somehow I will become pregnant in Denmark...it's almost too much to bare.  Good thing life is keeping us on our toes, so there's little time to think.
To the ladies going through cycles, I'm thinking of you! To the ladies awaiting cycles, let's stay strong and confident :)

Taking the cat over sea is something no one should go through

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ACCREDITED VETERINARIAN

An Accredited veterinarian is a licensed veterinarian who is also accredited by the USDA.  If your veterinarian is not accredited then you may have trouble having the veterinary certificate certified by the USDA area office.

Not all licensed veterinarians are accredited by the USDA.

STEP ONE:

The veterinarian should insert a 15 digit ISO microchip in your pet. (see additional information below) The pet MUST be micro chipped BEFORE (or on the same day as) the rabies vaccination is given. 

NOTE: If the pet has all ready been vaccinated for rabies but has not been micro chipped, then the rabies vaccination must be done again. AFTER the microchip has been inserted.  Proper insertion of the microchip should be verified with a scanner.

All dates on any health documentation including titers should be written with the month clearly indicated. For example, do not show the date as 09/10/2010. as this would indicate 9 October where it is meant to be 10 September.  Please always use this format DD-MM-YYYY – (example: 10 September 2011.)

When your USDA accredited veterinarian completes the veterinary certificate it must now show both the 6 digit National Accreditation No. and the state license number on all health certificates.

The microchip number in the pet must be the same as is shown on the form Annex II veterinary certificate.

STEP TWO:

Pet cats, dogs and ferrets  must be vaccinated for rabies at least 21 days prior to entry and must enter the country prior to the expiration date of the vaccine.

VETERINARIAN MUST COMPLETE IN BLOCK LETTERS AND

SIGN IN BLUE INK – NOT BLACK INK

VETERINARY CERTIFICATE INSTRUCTIONS

Some veterinarians are not yet familiar with the new form Annex II.  If your vet is not send me an email and I will send you a sample form that shows how the new certificate is filled out.

AIRLINES: The airline may also require a certificate stating that the pet is healthy enough to travel and is free of diseases communicable to humans.  Most airlines which require a health certificate request that it be signed by your veterinarian within 10 DAYS of travel. 

RETURN TO THE UNITED STATES

These same certificates may be used for your return to the United States provided the vaccinations have not expired and you have been out of the country less than 30 days. When returning to the United States be certain that your pet is free of parasites.

STEP THREE

Have your accredited veterinarian complete the Annex II EU veterinary certificate as close to the departure date as possible – but not more than 10 days in advance of travel.

STEP FOUR

Send or take the forms to the USDA/APHIS/VS Area Office with a check for $38.00 and a postage paid return envelope.  We recommend that you use priority or express mail service both ways.

INOCULATION RECORD

This is a record of the vaccinations given your pet including the name of the vaccine, the manufacturer of the vaccine, the batch number of the vaccine, the date administered and the expiration date of the vaccine if applicable. The pets vaccination record can be inserted into this new form or you may use a separate rabies certificate issued by your veterinarian.  The rabies certificate does not need to be certified by the USDA.

 

The following vaccinations are recommended. ONLY the rabies vaccination is required.

Dogs (Canine) may be vaccinated for:

 Rabies, Distemper, Hepatitis, Leptospirosis, Parovirus and Parainfluenza

Cats: (Feline) may be vaccinated for:

Rabies, Feline panleukopenia (Distemper): Viral Rhinotracheitis, Calicivirus, and Leukemia

Ovulation day

I'm ovulating today, but I'm not scrambling to wake up early to get my monitoring and insemination done, or waiting in the crowded, miserable waiting room along with 75 other equally miserable women. This actually feels nice.

Swollen eyelid and dry eyes

Woke up with a swollen eyelid o_0
Dry eyes is also one of the supposed side effect of DHEA...

So... What is wrong with me exactly???

Had my hysterosonogram today, all good.
The ovaries have several equal size follicles, AMH 1.8 FSH 11, etc, etc (fsh was higher than expected, but amh was higher than previously tested). Most importantly, I don't have elevated immune issue, so no worries about any "killer cells". However it turned out that I do indeed have low testosterone, at a range of 18, where they like to see in the 30's.
So........ this whole infertility thing is all because of my testosterone deficiency??
I lament when people (including doctors) tell me "just relax, you will be pregnant in no time.." Ahh!! How am I suppose to relax thinking about it??

Following the family meeting..

We've decided to not bother with an extension on our lease and leave the country as planned, do a cycle in Denmark in the summer while taking DHEA.  The Danish hospital thinks I should do a micro ivf, pretty much the same as the clinic in NY.  All of sudden we have so much on our plate, on top of this IF crap, eh! >;(

From warm and dry to cold and wet

SF was fun, we of course walked a lot, and I was all exited about being able to wear short sleeve once, I actually have bunch pictures of it;)
So, back to reality-- a.k.a problems needing to be solved...where do we go now and should I start a cycle with CHR this May, or should I continue DHEA for the summer and cycle in Sep? I got the sense that my doctor wants me to jump right in, although he is right about my "priority", it is our family that comes first, but I'm so scared this wouldn't work ..I'm so nervous about going through another failure that's supposedly "not my fault".

It pours!

Thanks to Bogo, a worthless Internet service which charges a very steep fee for mid- air Internet, we were able to get emails(only). An email from our landlord emerged on my screen--he's decided to put the apt up for sale, even though just a few weeks ago he expressed that he wasn't going to sell "anytime soon". Now in SF, all I can think is where do we go now? We were suppose to leave in May and come back in August, now we have two month to move elsewhere, on top of our CHR plan:( of course the landlord should sell anytime he wants, but this is a such bad timing--!! :(((((

No miracle baby for us

I'm officially starting the DHEA tomorrow x3 a day.  Because of the latest IUI, I wanted to be sure before taking anything..well, no miracle baby for us yet I guess...but hey, now we are encouraged to get back on using DH's swimmers, we might have a children that are truly ours, this might be a good news after all! For the first time in years, I've felt some hope lifting my spirit (yes, still have some left)!
Heading to CA for the first tiiiiiime to visit our nephew, I'm excited! I'm such an East-coaster, West coast scares me a bit :) We found a really cozy place near the museums through airbnb, what a great way to find a landing spot:) Our friend also highly recommended "The Stinky Rose"for dinner, said it will surprise us! We'll see! SF here we come!!

The Duggar family...

Wow. Just. Wow.

The dream-complication

I'm officially a patient of CHR, that's great, with my own research it seems like the DHEA I'm prescribed has done much good for women (particularly older women) with egg quality issues. While I'm possibly suffering from Premature Aging Ovaries Syndrome(PAO), it is different from Premature Ovarian Failure (POF).  My tests will tell, hopefully the Dr. is right about PAO.

 Here's the headache, it's not even a limbo because we literally have no choice but to compromise to our priority--making some kids.

After my recent IVF, we decided to go to Denmark.  With extensive research and communication with the doctor at Copenhagen fertility center, we were planning on doing cycle(s) there during the summer.  However, since our consultation and subsequently my diagnose, it seems to make sense to give CHR a try.  I have never ever had a doctor who was so confident about the eventuality of us getting pregnant, nor anyone able to give answers on what the heck is wrong.  I want to maintain our objectivity and work with science, knowing Jesus or Buddha are probably on our side too...if DHEA is my answer (and it seems to have positive effect) I'm willing to give it a try, with the understanding that there is not guaranty for success with CHR.

Now the chase: we have bought round trip tickets that are not refundable one week before the consultation happened. Bummer.  Now, we can either go and come back, or we can change the flight dates, which of course depends on my cycle calendar (which can only be very approximate at this point). Assuming everything goes awesomely, we would probably be having our cycle in May, which means we can leave in June, regardless what the outcome is with our cycle. So I'm already nervous about changing the tickets to a June date then something else comes along...life is just SO unpredictable sometimes :( The Dr. said from his initial observation, I am not in the rapid decline group of women suffering from PAO; however whether the decline is smooth or rapid, my ovaries are going down, and the sooner we have kids the better it is --who knows one day they just decided to go bananas once for all. 

Conclusion from the first consulation at CHR with Dr. G

Today's consultation with Dr. G at CHR was possibly the best money we have ever spent in dealings with infertility.  He was very clear, articulate, and on top of that, very confidant.
Here are his conclusions from the consultation--
1.  I am one of the 10% women suffering from "Premature Aging ovaries Syndrome".
2. One of my genetic tests previously done for "fragile eggs" actually revealed a pattern-sequence unrelated to Fragile Eggs, but to Premature Aging Ovaries Syndrome, which was never caught by the other fertility center -- that pattern could have indicated a reason for my poor egg quality 2 years ago at the very beginning of our treatment.  Although the nature of the link as to why it causes the syndrome is not well understood.
3. Fertilized embryos might also be triggering an over-active autoimmune response after the embryo attempt to implant.  (Friendly fire??)
4. My husband's sperm is good, even though they are harvested from TESE. There is no need for donor sperm.
5. We might be having "our" children soon after all.
6. "There is nothing "wrong" with me, I'm just a little different..." (Quote the Dr.)

Here's what I am looking forward of doing--
1. Start DHEA 3xday for 6-8 weeks with monthly monitoring. (Because of the iui, I want to be certain before starting it.)
2. Tests to be done: Hysterosonogram;  pap smear; complete physical; FSH on CD2.. and more, I'm sure.

Here's what I am NOT looking forward of doing--
1. CHR does not accept our insurance, nor it files on our behalf, so we now have to learn the business of filing our own claims with Blue Cross (I see headaches already).
2. We have already bought our flight fare, now we might have to rethink EVERYTHING (Well worth the cause if it really works out of course).

Someone's going to chewing on a piece of fat steak tonight..

Nice touch of the two doctors :)

Trip to CHR

Here I am, at the waiting room of CHR, waiting to see the Dr. Referred by my RE for immunological questions. I'm not very hopeful that the immunological issues are the culprit of my IF, but this is on my bucket list. I'm expecting to be going through the formalities then get loads of testings done...just hope the insurance would cover it:/

Oh, cramp!

Can't remember how many times I've felt this cramp...yak!

3 times the charm??

1.The Norwegian restaurant that we ate pretty much all of our "in-between" meals while waiting for our various IUIs and IVFs is no longer in business...we had been going there for the past 2 years:(
2. I'm the first person in this clinic to have ever done 3 b2b IUIs in a row, should I be happy or sad? (Thanks to the cheap sticks I nearly missed the peak)
3. A casual friend is 4m pregnant-- I see her once a week and never knew, until she mentioned today:"The baby has woken up..!" Her first boy is 2 years old, and she is expecting again.  It's just so funny that we will never know what people are secretly struggling with, won't we?

I try not to feel sensitive on daily basis, but there are SO MANY babies on the streets those days! This whole IF thing is all very very mechanical--something doesn't work for me and it won't happen until it's fixed, I cry, I whine and I'm devastated at times, but we are still figuring ways to beat this thing.

To peak, or not to peak, that is the question.

I peaked today, ehh. The doctor said there was no need to come in again but I don't think I have ovulated yet and if I do tomorrow I won't have any survivors left from the past inseminations... So... Guess I'm going in again for the wild crab shoot.
A note on the new "wondfo" strips from Amazon, had I followed the strips I would have probably be driven crazy by now. Whatever they did with those strips were terrible, I couldn't get a consistent reading at all. Once I took 3 strips and tested them with the same urine at the same time, and got 3 completely different readings I immediately switched to CVS brand strips which were so much more accurate and consistent. I guess Wondfo was doing so well that they no longer care about quality control.;( will NOT be using their strips again.

Am I insane already

I think I might be insane by this point of my life, because I actually am still hopeful to conceive naturally- well, with the help of iui and the donor of course.
Tonight I took a photo from my husband's mother who passed away longtime ago, and prayed for her help. If she can see how happy we are and how much happier we will be with children I'm sure she would have done anything to help us, above and beyond. I know it's silly, but I need to believe in something, anything that can give me the strength to face my very sad self, and the prospect of being childless...

Going in tomorrow

Today is a better day. Going in tomorrow on a quiet Saturday morning for the 10th iui.

Feeling overwhelmed

Today is one of these days I know my hormone is acting up. I've been feeling tired and depressed, everything seems so significant and annoying. I just want to curl up and cry--quietly, just to myself.
I'm a mess, an emotional and physical mess. Last week I thought I will be ovulating on time since the doctor didn't find any cyst, but alas, not so soon! I feel like a tiny piece of leaf floating in the ocean with no direction, no hope and no luck. I don't know when to stop or where the end is (or whether it has already arrived for me) other than the bills are still pouring in from my previous cycle with no baby in sight. The only thing is certain is that soon I will be 31, 4 years away from when we stared to ttc. I guess what makes it worse is people in my life are either pregnant, gave birth or already have two or three kids, which is great, I'm happy some people can achieve pregnancy so easily, but it makes me so mad and sad that my hardest work has not gotten us anywhere so far, all we have are bills and more questions... My poor husband...I know the hardest thing for him is seeing me cry because it's rare that I tear up-- normally I'm a strong gal who doesn't believe in tears...:(
Can today get better? Can this life get better?

There is no such thing as "unexplained" infertility

After reading some articles, I developed a thought on immunologic factor in my own infertility, because let's face it, there is no such thing as "unexplained infertility", right? It all can be explained if one is willing to try. Well my clinic doesn't believe in immunological factor it so they outsourced me to another doctor in town. I wrote to the Denmark clinic asking if they do the immunologic testings there, which is usually cheaper in (by 60%).  Come to think of it, they also never charged me a consultation fee either..can this IF get better??

#10

Sometime next week I will be inseminated twice with a stranger's sperm, thus making our 10th IUI official.
Why do I keep doing it? Because I'm stuck with 4 veils of his sperm in the clinic's storage, also there is alway that 5-15% chance I will conceive naturally, right? You can only repeat something for so long before you turn completely numb, and that's how infertility feels like to me.

Good news, well deserved

No post cycle cyst, what a miracle! The RE also checked her charts and found no new AMH test (phew) so she ordered an update test today. I'm relieved that what the other doctor said was a mere mistake, but at the meantime, I'm concerned about the new number already.

Just when you don't think it can get any worse

DH went to pay off the balance today.  Later he mentioned that he ran into the doctor who did my retrieval, who was very sympathetic about my failed cycle. The doc also mentioned that my Reserve had "drooped from 0.8 to 0.3",WHAT????????? My last test (done 2 years ago) was 1.2 which was normal low--when did it become 0.8, and subsequently 0.3?? This came as a huge shocker to me. However the credibility of these numbers is yet to be questioned, I don't recall anyone ever ordered a AMH, unless this was done as part of the regular blood draw in my cycles???  BUT  just a few weeks ago while at morning monitoring I had asked my RE what my current AMH number was, he responded that they haven't gotten a new one done, but we should get a new AMH test done.

So how do I suddenly have this alarmingly low number? And when did this even happen? Moreover,

if the AMH had such significant drop, why wasn't I ever notified by anyone at the clinic?? I might have not gone though with the cycle and instead, approached other options like DE........

I really, really hope the RE make a mistake.  But if he didn't, and it is indeed my very cruel reality, then I shall accept it and move on to other paths.  Meanwhile, our Denmark trip might not happen because they don't accept patients with certain high FSH number which coincide with AMH.
I'm making a follow up appointment with the RE to find out the facts hopefully early next week. 

  

GREEN	Above the 25th centile for younger, fertile women.	Very likely normal ovarian reserve - age is best predictor of your future fertility.	80% chance of 6 or more eggs in IVF.
ORANGE	Between the 25th and 10th centiles for younger, fertile women.	Some women in this range will have reduced ovarian reserve.	50% chance of 6 or more eggs in IVF.
RED	Below the 10th centile for younger, fertile women.	Very likely reduced ovarian reserve.	20% chance of 6 or more eggs in IVF.

 

Praying

I'm praying for people I have come to know (in life or through internet) to have a great success in their cycle. It will also make me feel better about the unfairness of IF.  You are in my thoughts.

Presumed Chemical

At my last failed cycle I cried on my husband's shoulder for a long time asking why couldn't I get pregnant; even a miscarriage or a chemical pregnancy would at least prove that my uterus is somehow "putting it to work". Well, this is it, a presumed chemical pregnancy, the best I can do.
My hpt has gone completely stark after a few days of shadow chasing (it was getting darker). I thought this was happening for me, after all these years of disappointments, heartaches and tears. However, inside there was a voice telling me to stop the dreaming.  Well, the dream is just a dream. The sobbing phase hasn't hit me just yet, I'm busy until this Friday, then when everything settles down, I'll let the emotion run, right now it needs to be tucked away. ..Must. Have. A happy face for friends and work....

Case scenario

I have been lurking around those fertility forums like everyone else. I also follow blogs, as weird is it sounds, as soon as you get to know "strangers" by sharing IF issue and related event, you become somewhat attached to the person, as well as their battle.  There have been so many times where I would have loved to leave comments and words of encouragements, but I'm not the best kind of example for anyone fighting IF--I've done 6 IVFs & 9 IUIs and never had a m/c, I'm a bad case scenario here.  So forgive me for lurking through your site holding my tongue, trust me, I would loved to see nothing more than all of you get knocked up today (and myself of course)!
POAS remains inconclusive, by the way...

Previously...

This afternoon I uploaded a picture of a series of post trigger hpt, when I thought it was getting somehow "darker"--the opposite of what I am used to seeing. The truth is, I knew I was most likely chasing shadows, but I just enjoyed having even the slimiest gleam of hope-- that maybe, just.maybe this cycle worked...out of all odds...I've been staring at those tests for so long,
I could probably see anything out if it...it's not even a remote positive and I'm losing my s&$t over it already... :(

What is this

I woke up earlier than my husband did this morning, which is rare, he is the early bird and I am that lazy bum...but I had a very uneasy night, dreams after dreams...as soon as I opened my eyes, I felt a period like cramp, along with that "uh-oh" sensation.  It's 11 days past trigger, 6 days past transfer for me.  I started to test the trigger since 4dp3dt/9dpt (top one), that very day the trigger was still visible, the next day it was stark, so I figured it was completely gone from my system.

A free IVF, so far:/

Just realized we haven't paid for out IVF this cycle. I was at the billing window twice asking for the balance since they make sure everything is squared away before proceeding to the ET, this time the billing lady said she couldn't find me on her "list", so I actually had the checkbook in hand but couldn't pay for anything! Now I'm curious to see how long it would take for them to realize this. We have had much problem with the billing at my clinic, but it's usually us chasing them for over charges so this time I'm definitely not in the hurry ;P

Finally getting a negative on the trigger today. I have not had any cramp what so ever this cycle. I can't remember if my last ivf cycle in August was the same, but I sure had more cramps on iui cycles-- maybe not having the eggs for the first three days makes the difference? Anyway, who knows.

9 day past trigger today

According to the Internet goddesses:

Ovidrel has a half life of 27 hours. Most pregnancy tests trip at about 25IU. 250mcg of Ovidrel is about equivalent to 6700IU. So ...

27 hours after trigger (let's just call it day 1), you should have 1/2 of 6700 left in your system, or 3350
Day 2, half of that or 1675
Day 3, 837.50
Day 4, 418.75
Day 5, 209.375
Day 6, 104.6875
Day 7, 52.344
Day 8, 26.172
Day 9, 13.09 *

Well, my Wondfo is still picking up a visible pink line today, at a 9 day past trigger, that means the hcg in my system is still greater than 25mcg,  I guess I'm a day or two behind? Usually by the 12th day past trigger does the second line disappears almost 100% on me, in addition I swear those "internet cheapies"can pick up anything from 5-10mcg.

Also, got this from a friend for encouragment ;) You are so sweet! The little crown is such a nice touch lol!