Monday, December 29, 2014

More ENDOMETRIN

Today's e2-3399, p4-19.5 Which the nurse thought it was boarder line acceptable but wanted me to continue Endometrin 1xday for another week until next Monday, then we'll see if we get to graduate then. Come on progesterone! Work it baby!!

Saturday, December 27, 2014

Weaning in progress

All looks good, e2 from last Tuesday was 3690, p4: was 40, that was good enough to be the day of my last PIO & Vivelle patch.  The test was repeated on Friday-- e2 went to 3125, p4 was 26 which my nurse said it looks good, and I should decrease Endometrin from 2xday to 1xday, then we're doing another panel next Tuesday, if all goes well, I'll graduate from CCRM. Let's cross our fingers :)

Stomach hasn't been exactly trooper, very very mild nausea starting this week. :/

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Week 12, continuing the weaning, decaf coffee

 Yesterday I had my first cup of decaf since September.  It had been so long and I was beginning to forget what coffee tasted like. At this point I might never go back to drinking coffee (regularly at least). Oh well.
I just received the call confirming that I am to stop PIO & Vivelle patches, but still go with Endometrin 2xday until this Friday's test, then maybe by next week I will graduate. I can't possibly express how happy my buns are right now, this morning S had to poke 3 times before he finally was able to complete the PIO, my cheek on duty was literally rejecting it, ha...!
There isn't much to say about week12, the nausea is at its worst in the afternoon and evening. Breakfast is my best meal of the day and I'm eating a ton.  Still cannot think about garlic, onion or tomatoes, instead I'm going for more blend taste.

Friday, December 19, 2014

Settling down

Just prior to turning 11 weeks I had a few days that I was super nauseated at night, then 11th week came and "poooof", no more nightly nausea. I'm still getting upset stomach and that general "ughh" feeling throughout the day, but now I can sleep though the night.  Of course, in light of MS, despite all unpleasantness, I'm reminded of the changes inside of me and a sign of the peanut is growing rapidly.  Now The sporting/bleeding has completely gone, with the nausea subsiding, I'm wondering if the dust has finally settled and we can really begin to expect something to go normally.
I turned in the record request for boh S and myself, hopefully these documents will be emailed to us in the timely fashion.. New OB's office doesn't let me make the first appointment without being released from CCRM, I will have to call as soon as my nurse calls with the graduatory message. Bummer, was hoping to secure a date for the next ultra sound with the OB..

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Weaning!

Today's E2-2257
P4-32
Starting Sunday Dec21st-
--1 Vivelle patch every other day
--half cc PIO every other day
--2 endometrin every day

ALMOST THERE!! :)

Monday, December 15, 2014

11 weeks

MS has gotten worse in the PM since last week...was told by my nurse told no more scans until I'm released from CCRM (boo)!  Going in for another blood and see where we're at tomorrow, hopefully, all meds will be stopped before Christmas...!

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Cravings, advoidings, etc

A little summery to the pregnancy logistics so far:
1. Week 1-5: Nothing special physically just lots of worries
2. Week 5-6: Saw first heart beats, light spotting/bleeding started, 2 occasions of bright red/pink spotting.
3. Week 6-8: Still spotting but no longer red, one baby stopped growing around week7
4. Week 8: Light nausea started to surface more, still have brown spotting
5. Week 9-10: Spotting gradually stopped, daily PM nausea, weaker digestion. WEIRD dreams....-__-

Cravings Week5-8
1. Sour & Spicy stuff especially Chinese food

Food & snacks Week8-10
1. Tomato, cucumber and onion salad with balsamic vinegar.
 2. Sour patches
 3. Salty stuff in the AM
4. Tomato beef stew (hmmmmm)
 
5. Light night KFC (not so great for bedtime)

General avoidings starting around week 8
1. Garlic
2. Chili Pepper
3. Fish other than sushi
4. Still haven't had a single drop of coffee
5. Cheese
6. Thought of beef and pork
Things that make me smile :)
WAWA Quesadilla with pepper jack cheese
 Bitter sweet Black Forest Cake




Tuesday, December 9, 2014

10 Weeks (or 9 wk 4d)

3rd ultra sound reveled a healthy 10 week old baby, measuring perfect in every ways so far and was moving all over the place. I'm so relieved, I can finally breath a little since last week.
Swim little peanut swim!
Now let's see what the blood looks like and if we are able to wean off some of the meds..

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

The need to grieve and let it go

The most bizarre feeling of losing an early twin is knowing its physical existence inside of me, next to its sibling, but without any trace of life.
 I looked at it directly and I looked so hard, as the doctor probed back and forth attempting to discover signs of heart beat yesterday.  I saw its cloudy sac and its movement-less little body, and I knew it wasn't right--but I wanted to remember it.  It was hard to imagine something begins with heart beat, but at some point it just seized to continue. As much as I tried to justified the nature's needs to make better selection when it comes to reproductive cycles, also knowing many women experience early stage miscarriage, it still sickens me that it actually did happen to our little bean.
We decided to go to NY to see friends instead of me probably staring at the ceiling thinking about it all day yesterday, it was the right thing to do.  I was exhausted when we returned home last night, I went to bed and felt asleep in seconds. When the morning came, suddenly I woke up remembering that one of the little beings, the other sprinkle of our love is no longer with us. A dull sense of denial begin to spread... The new ultra sound picture of our healthy bean was on the table, but I didn't want to look at it as it would remind me too much of our loss.  Looking back at the old ultra sound picture, I now can tell that there were indications of a developmental issues with the fetus, it was bond to happen...
Today I'm feeling emotional, I know there still are gallons of tears waiting to pour out, but the very fact that we are still pregnant with one healthy baby, is already the best therapy.
Our friends said when she also lost an early twin, she and her husband quietly lit a candle to say good bye to the baby. I really appreciate the sentiment, but I don't think we can ever say good bye, at least not until its complete absorption.
I now know when people speak of miscarriage, how they feel both in heart and mind. The need to grieve will dwell a bit, but we'll get through it.

Monday, December 1, 2014

Heart broken

When we saw the initial ultra sound today we knew immediately something was not right. Dr. first went to the left gestational sac and right away we saw a healthy fetus with a good HB of 124. When he switched to the right, the sac was visably smaller, no movement, no heart beat. I knew it wasn't normal, but was hoping dr gave a difference view. Sadly he agreed that the little fetus had stopped growing about a week and half ago. Our hearts broke. We collected ourselves and left the clinic for the train to NY, we had plans to see some friends.
There is no diagnosis as to why baby B gave out, chromosomally both embryos tested normal so I can only think of there were growth issues present from the begining. 
We have one baby left and so far it's doing well, we have to focus on that.
The only thing that really stinks is the prospect of having to return to CCRM again in 2 years....:[
 

Friday, November 28, 2014

8 WEEKS

2nd ultra sound is scheduled for Monday Dec1, trying not to think about it too much...
Speaking of pregnancy symptoms, I'm still a newbie.  Everyday I wonder if something is going to happen, but things are slow moving.  My mom told me that she did not experience much of anything during her pregnancy, only a few instance of nausea as she was working in a factory and lived a very active life.  I'm guessing she didn't have much time to reflect on her sensations/symptoms--she also did not have any ultra sound.  This explains why she is a lot more relaxed about our miracle pregnancy...
Starting at week7, I am pretty much waking up and going to sleep under a vale of light nausea, it's not bad by any measure, but holidays like thanksgiving doesn't make it better...even though I used to love all the food. After putting the turkey in the oven, we went for a nice walk with our fur pal Mo. He saw his first Thanksgiving parade by the Philly museum area and he absolutely enjoyed it as so did people who tolerated his bumpy nose :) By the time we got home, the turkey was ready to be basted as it reached the beautiful golden brown.  I had my turkey dinner cooked by S which was so delicious with recipes coming from his mom's cook book, however as I tried to swallow some drumsticks, it was just not going down without a fight from the bottom of my stomach... It's literally rejecting it...  :(Afterwards S used the bones to cook a nice pot of turkey soup which I had to promptly turn it off because the scent of it was making waves of light nausea into something gut turning...
Still, so much to be thankful for, so much gratitude and so much joy.

Saturday, November 22, 2014

7 weeks

Entering into a new phase, I'm 7 weeks & 1 day today. Honestly aside from the sore boobs and occasional queasiness, the morning sickness "break" has not "hit me hard", knock on wood!
I haven't been having any red/pink bleed/spotting, maybe it's because I'm not inserting my progestsrobe suppositories so deep now ( used to stick it until I couldn't go any futhur..) Also no more period like cramps. Since we saw the heart beats I've been feeling better/more confident about this pregnancy, it used to worry me sick thinking something was deemed to go wrong..we're not out of woods yet, and won't be for a long while, but right now I'm not living on pins and needles:) 2nd Ultra sound in 2 weeks!

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Everything is fine

First ultra sound revealed two heart beats...!! My eyes teared up when we saw their little white flickering hearts which only looked like dots.
I worried myself sick and so did S during the last several days. Now we feel a little relief.  I still can not believe there are two tiny babies inside of me with their hearts beating away, it is the most bizzar yet wonderful thing to feel.:)

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Is she or is she not?

The series episodes of bleeding/spotting/cramping has stirred up so much concern and fear since the end of my 5th week. This morning I woke up and my breasts aren't as sore and heavy as before. I know my brain is in denial and is looking for any signs of validations. I am 120% paranoid but who isn't  in this process where you are like a salmon fish jumping up stream while every step of way is full of danger. It's definitely a survivors game.
I made a call to my nurse knowing she won't be pleased to have to send us another script for Wednesday. But I am insisting because I can not withstand another day of being in the dark. If a miscarriage is imminent, then let us embrace ourselves before it.  
I tried to keep my concerns indivisible to S, but he could sense my nerves, so I spilled the beans about the cramping and not so sore boobs. With miscarrge being such prominent threat, that is all my brain is wrapped around at the moment.
Right now I'm off my feet again, had a little spotting this morning that looked like follow up to the previous bleed. So far no more cramps but I can still feel light pressure in my uterine area.
Still waiting for the nurse to call back.
------------------------------
Update,
My nurse did call back and she was ok with me going in one day early and indicated that cramps/spottings are normal, as long as not accompanied by red clots passing. Thankfully, nothing that severe yet.
A big hug and thanks to friends checking up on me... Sorry I've made you worry!:)


Monday, November 17, 2014

The spotting continues

The past couple of days I continue to have brownish spotting. Today there was another red/pinkish spotting, followed by more pink/brownish spotting and I sensed some cramping. It's not the normal period cramping, it's more like a full, stretching sensation. With my periods I usually feel coldness in the lower abdomen, and wet sensation below the cervix. However my mom said to have abusolute bed rest and contributed the bleeding to an "unstable interin lining", I couldn't convince her on the progesterone theory. She basically ordered me to bed rest for the first trimester....ugh, it might be what I should do...
Here's what I'm  going to do--I'll go get my ultra sound on Wednesday, instead of Thursday and decide from there. I'm reading countless stories about first trimester cramping/bleeding, there seems to be a big division on the ending of each fate, it's really 50/50. And with us FET girls there are more complications..
I'm trying to stay strong and have faith in our future, but part of me is still very pessimistic. I remeber when I first saw the spotting my first thought was "well that was nice while it lasted", I actually felt relieved for a moment as if I had been waiting for my own pregnancy to fail...the truth is, I'm so terrified of having our only chance taken away.. Need to remain positive..

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Silly Me

This process of awaiting ultra sound is so stressful.  There was a little more brown discharge this morning, but no cramp or clot passing. That makes a total of 3 occasional light bleed/spotting. I had 3 wonfo hpt strip left so I was tempted to use them to find some intermediate comfort. SO wrong of me to do that. The first strip came back with the HCG line looking considerably lighter than 5 days ago, I thought well I'll just use the other 2 strips to avoid quality control issues.  Both strips came back looking identical to the first test, which the HCG line, compared to my earlier tests, appear to be at least half lighter in intensity. Talking about doing silly things under pressure. Now I am seriously paranoid. Ok, logically speaking, I have had a few spotting episodes, which none is severe or led to cramping or heavy bleeding. My e2 and p4 as of last Thursday was all looking good, even though the spotting first started in that afternoon. People are all telling me that spotting/light  bleeding is normal as many have experienced it. Maybe I've just encountered what's called"hook effect" of hpt. When your HCG level becomes too high, the hpt would resist reading it due to sensitivity. I hope that's what it is!
I tried to get my nurse to advance the ultra sound date, but she thought it would be better for us to wait rather than not being able to see heart beats. So I agree, we should wait, but this wait is killing me! >.<

Friday, November 14, 2014

Little more spotting/bleeding

I've supposedly turned 6w today. This morning I woke up to another liner with pinkish reddish light flow. There was a little gasping within me because I was hoping it would have stopped while it was just brownish spotting. However it's not a heavy, consistent flow, not dark red and no clots. The worry shall never stop...:/

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Spotting

Ok I'm not freaking out, I had been wondering if there would be any spotting, well, here it is. I went to the bathroom and there was light pink and some brown spotting on my liner. Good thing I'm not experiencing any cramp or discomfort. When my nurse calls about my E2&P4 I'll let her know this happened...6days until ultra sound!

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Oh snack!

A little bit of nausea officially kicked off yesterday, I'm not really sure if it's the real thing, it could be the progestrone consider how much I'm being prescribed to use. It just feels like there's always something in my stomach lurking its way out without a strong presence, yet. Am I imagining it? Anyway, yesterday I had craves for green olives,hmmmm. Today I made sweet yam mixed with plain yogurt.
It settles my stomach a bit but I don't think they will hold too long before my next craving obsession. 9 more days to ultra sound!!

Friday, November 7, 2014

A thousand jabs and living in constant fear

S is out of town until Sunday so I have to outsource the PIO shots. Luckily RMA Philly agreed to have me come in and a nice nurse would do the injections. Those ladies are SO GOOD!
While I was leaving, the receptionist and I somehow started talking about twin pregnancy and vanishing twin syndrome. Turns out she also have IVF at RMA, and one of her twins vanished between the 1st and 2nd ultra sound. At this point we don't even know if twins is eminent, it can just be an very early implantation of one of the 2 embies, we won't know the answer until the 20th, which is still 2 weeks away, but I have already started to worry, alas!
Last night I woke up in the middle of the night, asking myself if it's really happening? I don't feel anything different, asides from the early evening drowsiness, but that I'm sure is caused by the 3 daily progestrone insert & PIO shots, they are eeeevvvvilllll!!
I'm trying to stay busy so that ultra sound day comes quicker--!

Monday, November 3, 2014

Finally the 2nd Beta

I've lived another 24 hours of pins and needles waiting for the beta, assuring myself that everything was going well and they would have called if something seemed odd. The nurse finally called, 2nd beta is officially 900, it seemed to have double well. Progestrone came up greater than 40 and estrogen is 373. PHEW.
We had an early morning appointment so things were bit rushy as I was trying to help S to load the PIO needle while he got ready. Somehow I got distracted and handed him the syringe without switching to the smaller needle,  it was jabbed in my butt before he realized it!!!!!! Take your time with PIO shots!! Lessons learned!!! >_<

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Where/what is my beta???

Waited all day for the call for the 2nd beta, never got it:( Called the emergency line at 4pm, told to call back at 8pm if I don't hear back, no calls until 8pm, so I called again. The on-call nurse had no idea where my beta was or whether they even received it. Someone from CCRM is suppose to call people if their test was missing, I never got a call about missing test or my beta. 
This is so sickening, I'm really low on my Vivelle patches and I have no idea which pharmarcy in Philly has it without getting it shipped from NY:(((((
I'm started to feeling some cramps, ugh hope everything is alright down there:///

Friday, October 31, 2014

Beta Day

My nurse called in an overly enthusiastic voice(which is very funny given her calm nature), starting with "--you ready for some good news today??" I think she was slightly bummed when I said I kind of knew already :)
She then announced my beta which was a bit shocking to me-- 316! E2 333 and a lower progestrone-15.6. I'm instructed to increase PIO to daily shot, hmm. Can't complain!
I can't wait to share this with the group!!! :D But right now I want to wait and see how the beta doubles on Sunday..
This is unbelievable. We are pregnant!!!!!


Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Holding my breath

I knew I had to test when we came home, but I was terrified of being disappointed yet again so I waited a day before revealing to S. He was so happy but also cautious. Poor guy I forgot how fearful and fragile we all have become since our journey commenced. I've told a few close friends about our current status, but the truth is, the prayers, thoughts, vibes and positiveness I received from many, many people who helped us getting here--not just getting pregnant(to be confirmed), but the courage of trying.  I will forever be grateful and will continue on giving...as it is the only to concur infertility.
Beta on Friday...

Saturday, October 25, 2014

3dp6dt

Any promising symptoms? No, nothing out of ordinary from the past experiences. I'm usually pretty crampy from day1, lots of weird, vivid dreams and getting up early. And I'm gassy, thanks to bed rest and stress eating:(  To prevent constipation I've been chugging tons of water, so far it's working pretty well.
Here's the 2ww personal obsession resport: According to the embryo growth chart, my 2(or 1)little bean/s should have/has hatched out of shells and beginning to attach onto the uterine wall. Last night I spent + 1 hr studying the embryo grading system, so I could look at the pictures S snatched and conclude without asking the embryologist-- it just feels better coming from myself.

 Here's the guilty truth, since I couldn't snatch the picture myself, S had to do the honor. I couldn't really see out little embie because the screen displaying them was rather far from the bed. S took several pictures, when I finally got to see them, my heart sank a little.  I couldn't help but feeling disappointed-- the embryos, though not in their best capture quality, seemed less than promising.
.........
What kind of person I am to be saying this to my would be child/children when I have desired them so much and vowed to love them no matter what? I was ashamed toward my initial feelings based solely on their appearance... But I don't have the will to call the embryologist....they are already inside of their mother, knowing their grade make no difference to my outcome. Once again, my little embryos are on their own, finding the oasis to settle and grow.  They might not be the best quality embryos but they made this far and I should have never ever doubted their well to survive, as for once I did the very same.

Friday, October 24, 2014

2dp6dt

I'm counting d1 as the day after the transfer. After 36hr of bed rest I'm finally up and around:) Also I'm drinking a lot of water to keep thing afloat. So far so good.... There are no symptoms, if any it would be the PIO, the suppository and the patches.  I'm absolutly ignoring the twitches, the aches or the feeling of contraptions around my bun.
Now the two little guys we transferred, they/it might or might not implant, I really hope they do, but if they pass on it, it would be sad, but ok. We have tried so hard, through so much pain and many drops of tears, we have done everything we could except cloning ourselves(which oddly has been mentioned as one possibility). I'm not confidant--not one bit, especially after 5 failed implantations, 3 canceled cycles and countless failed iui. I know there is something inherently wrong with my system. Now adding S's complication to my equations, I think the fact we got this far to an FET is already a miracle.  I appreciate the hope, the sense of peace. If Mother Nature can not be defied, at least we put up a good fight.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

1dp6dt

Forgot to say, our room (specifically the bed) at the Hampton inn literally looks right at CCRM, haha! Talking about putting it out of the mind post transfer.
My beta is October 31 the Halloween  day, the same day we came to colorado last year for ODWU. Not looking for any omen but when I walked in the hotel lobby after the transfer, the hotel music was singing:" I have walked a full circle.."
How about that? It's just hilarious!
Now back to Netflix;)

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

transfer day review

Everything went well today! I had a hearty breakfast and wore my good luck jewelry:)

Here are our little guys, they both survived the thaw. 1 expanded 100% and the other one expanded 80% when they were transferred. Nurse said the 2nd will expand quickly and they will start hatching soon.
I never asked for the grades, figured I'd do it later after the pregnancy test,  it wouldn't have mattered since we are transferring both. 
Dr. Surrey did my transfer which was very smooth:)  Also the Valium they gave me really helped, both for the acupuncture and the transfer:)
Now I am to bed rest until Friday morning...zZZZ

Monday, October 20, 2014

Taking off tomorrow

Got My transfer instruction call tonight, nothing out of ordinary and not too different from my past experience with fresh transfers. Our little pooh is going o have fun week at the boarding home:) I bet he misses being around his suburb friends:)
I don't know if I would be updating my blog every other minute for the next 5 days, I suspect so, certainly for my FET experience.  Can someone give me a knock out pill after the transfer so I can sleep through my 2WW?

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Guess which day is the transfer day?

Just thought this is kind of funny... Ha....
Had my last blood draw today, will know how P4 is looking then off to Denver!

Thursday, October 16, 2014

2ND U/S, lock in date to FET

Lining puffed up to 14 today, it grew a 100% since last week. I was initially concerned but the nurse indicated that Dr. S felt comfortable below 16. Good thing I'm right on calendar with the date and the meds; starting endometrin tomorrow then Sat first PIO.  I was waiting for today's call to book the hotels and our flights, turns out both the Element and Staybridges were fully book, so we had to stay at another place.
Wow I can't believe it's really coming! Good thing we never unpacked ha!:]

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

First U/S

Went for my first monitoring to check lining and blood. All looking good, no cyst (phew) and my lining is already at 7. Waiting for the blood result to come back.
3 weeks with no caffeine, it's so hard (ghhhaa!) but I am proud of myself to have stuck out this far :)
My nurse called late in the day, they received all my results and everything looked fine as I am to continue following my calendar and speak with her on the 16th--2 more weeks!!

Friday, October 3, 2014

Whhhhhhhy yyyyyou glitches!!

Well, more glitches. I'm short of Lurpon syringe and I think the Lurpon isn't going to last another 15 days either. Now I desperately need  to replenish my syringe supplies. WHY didn't I ask for it while at King's pharmacy yesterday??????????
On another note, several lucky gals are PREGGERS in the support group, this is more encouraging than anything:) Feeling full in heart and super excited for the mommie-to-bes!

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Small glitch with the FET prelude

My Vivelle Patches... Nurse ordered 8 boxes and Pharmarcy only sent 1:/ Glad I called CCRM to confirm, so now I'm on my way to pick it up in NY. Well we have to go to NY anyway, lucky it worked out:)
I probably check my calendar 3 times a day to prevent any mistakes from sabotaging this FET haha....

Monday, September 29, 2014

Friday, September 26, 2014

LAST BCP!

Took my last birth control pill today! :) Lurpron continues though until around Oct 17.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Uterine scratching!

Sitting in the reception area at RMA philadelphia (which has moved since May), it's a quite day here. I took some Valium just before coming in, hopefully this will go as painless as it can be.
Update* It was not as bad, but I also had no idea how it could pan out. It did go by quickly. My doctor was fantastic; she was a brisk yet caring person, she was communicative during the procedure. An intern who was in her 2nd year of residency even held my hand through the whole thing. It was overall a great experience... Well, Uterine scratch, check!

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Quest to finding alternatives to caffine

5:30 AM the little boy next door who must have an exceptionally strong vocal cord and terrifically awesome breath support (also merci to the developer who did not think insulation in the walls goes with elegant urban living) woke up crying out loud for daddy....he has been really active this week, since this is his
 first week of kindergarten.. *_*

I am 2 weeks off caffeine! :) It's getting a bit easier with breakfast and during the day but hard otherwise, particularly with brunches where I'm expected to gobble down huge plates of French toast with......camomile tea?? That just won't do :( So I've been searching for a strong in taste yet decaffeinated alternative to coffee in the vast category of TEA. So far I find--
Roibois tea 
and 
Roasted barley tea
 great substitute to coffee if you enjoy a strong taste, and you can add milk to both to create a creamer taste :)

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Uterine scratching

My nurse asked for my latest PAP results, since my last PAP was done on Oct last year, I decided to have an annual. Good thing my insurance covered everything including some blood tests.
Next week I'll have the Uterine Scratching procedure at RMA Philadelphia, I also asked my OB if she could prescribe me a small dose of Valium for the procedure. When I called, my OB's nurse answered and her first question to me was :" Hi! Are you pregnant?" Me:"Umm, not yet.."
Then she asked if I would be going to them for OB care when we are pregnant, my answer was of course I would! I'm not pregnant and I already love my OB (also her last name is Devine, haha).
Getting FET meds ordered from King's pharmacy, they are arriving tomorrow. Things seem to be rolling along quite nicely, with only one more week of BC left, I should be in a much better shape.
Fall is definitely coming, wow what a summer! S and I are heading to the beach to make up for the lost  times, we have so much coming at us in the next 3 months :)

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Intersections of emotions

Perhaps the worst part of infertility doesn't dwell on the failed attempts, but the time we spend before and after each cycle.
I've been on BC for a week and already I am an emotional wreck.  Every morning we wake up to the neighbor's kids crying, yelling and laughing, it's how we know their schedules. It's such a contrast sometimes hearing how noisy and vivid the next door is while it's almost perpetually quiet except when our dog gets anxious about going out or chasing the cat around. Our world is quiet.
I know I'm not alone, there are sadly many, many of you out there struggling to get through each day, but at this moment I feel alone and unresolved, as if I have stopped evolving through life.
Infertility sucks.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

BC day2/CD d4/pre-FET countdown 44days to go!

It has been 5 years since I was on birth control.  I hate those yellow little pills! So far my reactions to them include nothing yet but sensation of thirst, but I'm sure as we kick off with Lupron, Vivelle patches, Medrol, Doxy, Aspirin, Endometrin and the infamous PIO shots there will be plenty to lament for.
I also completely parted ways from alchoho and caffeine, alchoho was easy but caffeine....in some days that is the only thing makes me want to get up in the morning;/  

Saturday, September 6, 2014

We all need something to look forward to, right?

I went to get my BC yesterday to kick off the FET prep cycle, it was shocking to see the candy aisles were FILLED with Halloween candies!! It's only the beginning of September!!0_o It suddenly occurred to me that we spent our last Halloween at CCRM for the ODWU, and I was all disappointed that we couldn't take our fur pal to his first pet Halloween contest... It has been a year already!! Geesh! Pretty sure my FET will either be right on the calendar or before it, since my lining has always had my back against all other odds and challenges. Let's hope this time nothing changes on that end...
Meanwhile I'm trying to remain physically and mentally occupied, not the easiest thing to do right after going through some tightly scheduled training program...guess I'm just having a withdraw symptom:/

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Somedays are just better than others.  I have finally completed my training program and S and I are finally able to take a break from the running arounds, we are even hosting 2 friends for the week! I have spoken to this friend of mine about our infertility struggle and the upcoming FET, she's totally and completely supportive, but when her sister came to join us, who is btw an equally sweet, awesome human being (and a mother of two young children), from that point all I could hear is kids kids kids kids kids and more kids.  I love them, but after the dinner I was feeling more and more depressed. Then Mo peed on the rug so that sucks. Basically he peed in our bed last night and now this?! I'm not sure what is happening to him??  UGH :(

Saturday, August 9, 2014

FET count down

One month before we start our FET process.  I have been struggling to stay positive since there has been so much good news as well as puzzling news with the group.  What makes a perfect CCS normal embie fail to implant?? I don't get it.


Monday, July 14, 2014

Friend visit, dog, baby

Yesterday we had friends over for ball watching and pizza, it's been SO LONG since I had my last Dominal's (13years ago!) They brought their 7 months old baby, she was a beautiful, strong, fluffy, vocal little bundle of energy:) Doggie was very very curious about this little creature so he kept sniffing her feet and try to (gently) nib on them, giving his unemployed sheep dog status..:) She was sucking on an apple and he managed to steal it right from her arms! We were all shocked, haha!
Whenever I'm close to a baby, I'm very calm, there are no other feeling but that.  I don't feel sad or empty, everything just kind of dims down and I'm just enjoying a sense of peace brought by the baby.  Hopefully someday we can stare at our own baby~~

Monday, July 7, 2014

Off topic vent.. and the new CCRM PREGNANCY SUPPORT BOARD

I don't know if my body is desperately trying to regain it's hormonal balance or mixing red and rose isn't such a good idea, last night I did something that kept my head spinning almost all night.
I called someone.  Boo.
Without getting into details, (and this is  certainly not the place for it) the person is by no means a "friend", but life put us in each other's wonders by personal associations.  I was glad that the person didn't hang up the phone right away or wrestling me into a shouting match, we might have raised voices but nothing to the extreme. We had a lengthy conversation where I said most what I had been wanting to spill out of my chest, though my shoulders are still heavy from the chips.  The truth is sometimes forgivess just isn't meant to be, when no one is willing to forgive but continue to cry their losses and hurt feelings and pointing fingers. One carries their own anger but soon they are submerged in a tub of other's anger due to sense of loyalty and other obligations.  Such felling  practically holds the history altering power and thus the becoming of future. It's a war that will go for a thousand of years and eventually people forget why they even started it in the first place, but it will be too late.  We see what we want to see, whether pleasant or ugly, it's always a matter of view or a matter of taste...ok, that's my vent....
 Anyway,
A new CCRM PREGNANCY SUPPORT BOARD has been created to specifically accommodate the  CCRM graduates, amazing transformation of this group! I am very very happy to see things moving for those who went through the struggle we are all too familiar with:)
                         

Monday, June 23, 2014

I've been a lazy bum...I know!

So much has happened to the world and so little has happened to us since our confirmation of the FET.  I called my nurse fanatically, thinking that my cycle might arrive before our arrival in the US, and in that case I can at least start on BC pills, so we can avoid wasting a month, but where we are, there aren't American birth controls sold, plus the standards are different so we need to be proactive and get it just in case. No answer back. I guess she thought that since we won't do FET until Sep, there's no need to respond to our inquiries in June...However it seems like my current cycle is prolonged from 28 days to 39 days again, so that might be a good thing for timing.
Our support group is growing to exceed 200 members soon, wow. There have been both good and bad news and it touches my heart every time.  There are so much support, kindness and love, it's stunning.
My friends who are going through tough times, just want you to know that we are thinking of you, and wishing if there is anything we can do to help or at least cheer you up...

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

2!

2 CCS normals out of 3 tested. We are so relived...need some time to digest this new found fortune..:D

No word yet

No signs of the email from CCRM yet.....

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

What now?

While waiting for our ccs results I contacted my nurse to see if Dr.Surrey could email the result. The answer is yes he could email and notify us when the results become available but not the details, so when I get the notification we'll dial in to speak with him, which is fine.
I'm nurvous about the outcome obviously , but this is the most important step for us on our ivf journey so far, I want to remain  strong for what's coming next...

Monday, May 19, 2014

3

Embie lady called just as we sat down for lunch.
3 blasts biopsied and frozen, awaiting CCS.
Curiously, nothing yield out of this cycle, the 3 blasts were all from the previous 5 Day2 frozen ones.
Anyway we are happy to welcome our first milestone. Almost as soon as I hang up the phone, something inside of me started to feel very attached to our 3 embie, as if I just want them back in now and never mind the CCS :)
I'm holding on sharing my report with the group until  a few more ladies get their new, hopefully all great news!

Just for the nerve...

Likily our day 5 report will be disappointing, since the issues we are dealing with are fairly critical. I just want to give myself and S a mental hug, while waiting for the final verdict. We did good and although we will be saddened by another empty dream, we will collect ourselves and move on.

Sunday, May 18, 2014

What makes me happy---

--is to hear BFP from my fellow ivf bay jumpers :) Meanwhile I'm nervous about our big report tomorrow. I would like to see our little embryos growing healthy and strong and ready to be back to their mamma, but hey we are the 1%ers ready to go to the donor route...


Friday, May 16, 2014

Small update

As of yesterday, out fert-report remains almost the same:

1 fertilized--being observed for development
2 matured overnight with ICSI--uncertain of fertilization, likely not
6 matured with ICSI--uncertain of fertilization, likely not
5 day1 frozen embryos from cycle1-- thawed well and being observed for development

Monday will bring the punch line of out final attempt against what was said to be less than 1% chance(not by CCRM) for S and I to have children through IVF...I guess I will now go and enjoy my weekend?

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Fert report:[ not the best news in the world

Well here we go-
13 retrieved, 7 matured;1 fertilized normally; 2 matured over night that will have ICSI; there are 6 eggs will be observed to see if normal division takes place, however chance is slim.
Embie lady will call tomorrow about the late comers, Ugh!

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Dejavu-13 eggs again!

Retrieval went really well, I had no spotting  whatsoever afterward:) I slept for almost a hour after the retrieval, ha..blame on the nice nurse lady who let me doze! :)

I have to give it to the patient care/anesthesiologists/embryologists, they are an excellent team of doctor and nurses. They truly make me feel that amongst their crazy long list of patients, somehow, I mattered. And I can always count on their warm and caring hands to bring us good news..
 Sometime early tomorrow we will be getting the call from the embryologist, probably on our way to the airport. I'm so nervous to find out the fertilization rate from this round because we used sperms from TESA, rather than from PESA, which requires more work by the embryologist. And the sample is about 3 years older than the last sample used. That being that, we have no regret to have devoted our hail Marry effort with CCRM, no one ever retrieved 13 eggs from me, TWICE!

Regardless what the fert report is, they will take our 5 embies out from the last cycle and together grow with whatever matured and fertilized from this cycle into hopfully blats and biopsy for CCS. That still sounds like a long road down, but at least we are over with the retrieval part.

 If miracles do happen, which I find it hard to imagine now, I don't know how I would feel, having been a IVF loser for all this time and being told our chance is less than 1%..I just don't know how I would feel. I do know how I would feel if we don't find light in these two cycles, we'll move on to have children, even if they are not complete biological...

Monday, May 12, 2014

Ready to unload

The anesthesiologist called this evening to see if I had questions concerns before the retrieval. Now the idea of our final IVF is really sinking in.

Sunday, May 11, 2014

TRIGGERING TONIGHT???

Just got the call from the nurse with instructions, and apparently I am triggering tonight.
Apparently my E2 number only rose a little, and it represent the numbers plateauing, so they want to trigger me before I lose all the eggs. My trigger time is 12:15am,  ET on Tuesday.
Last call for the eggs!

CD11 U/S & blood

E2 shot up from the 700's to 2210 yesterday, everything looks pretty good. I have one follie at 25, they are going to let that one decide its own fate while continue to let the rest grow. We are looking at 3 more days of stim? The nurse said by tomorrow we'll have a pretty good idea of the ER date.




Follie scan pic! Ha, no they are our squash soup lunch ;)

Saturday, May 10, 2014

CD 9 first U/S

Follie count: There are (I misplaced the sticky pad paper the nurse wrote the numbers on) 4 midium size follie on each side, with a few smaller ones tagging along.

Dosage: Dr. S cut my Folistim from 300 to 150, well that's never happened before...I wonder if this will cause a longer stim period?

Unwanted surprises: Oh just one of those "dip" in my oven the nurse noticed today and said dr. S will have to decide if it's polyp that needs to be removed (thankfully it could be done during ER).

More Unwanted surprises: Both of us had to update/pay for the "communicable" blood again because it's been 6 months since we did it, an extra $750 big ones, ouch :( I don't understand why we can't opt out of this.. it's just so expensive when we both know it's completely unnecessary.

Looking forward: Going to see friends tomorrow for dinner! :)
 
Not looking forward: The SNOW:(

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Still packing

I'm such a bum. I haven't even started packing. I've been mentally going through things we need for the week though.... Oh and guess what, it's going to SNOW in Denver! HAha...ha......-_-
All my number came back today looking normal, E2 761 Prog 0.2 and LH 5.1, my dosages are to remain the same until future notice.
Denver here we come again.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Flying out

I'm packing(not really) for the Friday flight. This time around we are staying at The Element instead if Staybeidges. They gave a good rate for a full kitchen and one King BR + free breakfast, so yeah!
I'm curious to see my Thursday scan, having read do much about protocol 6, I'm a little worried about mdl as suppose to Cetrotide. But oh well. 

Monday, May 5, 2014

Latest IVF sighting

"The Veep" and "The Simpsons" both included ivf scenes, um, they were staged so sadly:/ 
I'm having some annoying cramp since the Lurpon jabbs. This morning I officially started Menupor, it sort of left a huge smug in my head, or maybe just the emotions...

Friday, May 2, 2014