Monday, December 31, 2012

Few more hours to a new begining!

Yesterday was our wedding anniversary, and as much as I wanted to enjoy all the good things we have, there was one thing I knew that I wanted more than anything else in the world.  We will soon be going through our 9th & 10 iui (unmedicated), while wait for the February IVF.  Where that is going to lead us? I don't know nor have control over.
On another note, yesterday we cleaned up the apartment, washed all the laundries, and finally ----bath our cat! She gets a light shower once every year, so she wasn't very cooperative this time. After the shower I had to dry her with the dry blower, which was another nightmare for her (I'm sure), lol! At the end she did find comfort in the little basket where the yarn balls were, and made a little nest for herself.  Although she never came to bed (she has been sleeping with us since we got her)... I guess she was still a little mad after all..:(

Sunday, December 30, 2012

New year, same journey

So every year I make a wish, and they are all the same wishes.  I'm making it yet again for next year.
This year though, I'd like to extend my wish to all of you out there going through the same journey :)

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Lost & Found

I got this pair of earring 2 years ago from Sundance Catalog. The earrings was named"children playing" or something -- I thought it would be for good luck since we stared TTCing. I lost one of the earrings a year ago and it was very upsetting, this was for good lucks... anyway recently the other earring magically reappeared just before our first ds IVF, I thought that must have been a good sign. Well, it wasn't a sign as the cycle turned out poorly, but I do have both of them again!

Sunday, December 23, 2012

In preparation for our 5th IVF

We are planning on doing our 5th IVF this February.  After my 8th IUI, I needed a good rest, so we are switching to non-medicated IUIs for now. If everything goes as planned, we should be doing a b2b insemination sometime next week, and another one in late January.
I've gone back to read a blog that I've written about in the previous post.  She wrote about her 4th failed IVF, and she was heart broken. I feel so sad, and so so puzzled as to why IF happens to someone so healthy, willing ready and dying for a baby in her arms, it's like seeing myself all over again. With my 4th IVF, we used our first ds, and the fertilization rate was terribly low, out of 8 eggs they retrieved, we only had 2 that were in normal development.  RE said if that cycle fails, I should "consult with someone". Well, that was a BFN. So with the current donor, who actually has plenty birth report, at least he is fertile. Our old donor apparently had never been requested, nor had any birth report.
I can't imagine the paralyzing pain and disappointment she is experiencing, especially at this time of the year where everyone is praying for a miracle baby... when is this going to end...?? I pray, even though I am not a god believer, for someone who is so strong in her religious sentiment who truly deserves to be blessed....

Friday, December 21, 2012

New blog look, new cycle

I had been wanting to get the blog to look a little better. Phew!

3 Years ago when I started my first IVF, we thought that we were going to be parents so soon, and now look where we are.  I'm often sad, sometimes discouraged and pessimistic about the upcoming cycles.  I have been stalking other good blogs to try to reduce pressure by relating to other ladies undergoing such unpleasant and dreadful journey.

This particular blog I read often, is by a young lady who is married to a very handsome gentleman, they are too beautiful to not have had a child.  Sometime I feel like reaching out to her, but through reading her blog, I sense that she is only writing it for herself, even though the world can access it...I suppose people do leave comments, and I have left her a few anonymous words.  What infertility does to women, is both detrimental to the inside and the outside--the treatments, the hope, the disappointment and the physical change--this was not part of the plan! So if you stumble upon my blog, I hug you and I want to let you know, you are not along, you are brave and your future child is going to be so lucky... Back to this lovely person, I really hope she is knocked up soon, man, that would make me happy (and a little sour, well I can't help it..).  The reason why I  relate well to her, is that both of us are 30, both of us have been checked out to be perfect; both of us have great support (hubbies woohoo!) and both of us underwent SO MANY ivf--This may sounds funny but if you undergo IVF, the chance for success is near 50% (also depend on the quality of eggs, sperm, uterus lining, etc.), so to have multiple failed cycles, the pressure to succeed is huge enormous.
I was a bit shattered when Kate Middleton was announced to be expecting (with twins?) Because I thought for sure I would be pregnant before she does, I mean, imagine the pressure her UTERUS has been getting! So, it does happen for people who are trying hard..!

Lastly, a little update, we are doing our 9th iui (boy the number does rack up quick!), with no medication to prepare for the IVF in February.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Officially not pregnant

Boo. Don't be sorry, I'm going to keep going for me and my husband, if it weren't for him, I don't think that I would try so hard to be a mom.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

8th failed iui... Still BFN

I have to keep going, as infertility has permanently mounted itself into our lives. Uninvited, and Unwelcomed.
I'm going to be doing two natural cycles while waiting for the IVF in Feb.

9 dpiui hpt still negative

Guess we are heading to I IVF in February.
Time to take a nice break.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

8dpiui hpt negative

So I alway start testing at 8dp, it's better to know early than to have all hopes up then be crushed at once. It's always very hard to watch that dreadful signal line becomes stronger and stronger and that second magical line does not appear. By this time if the strip isn't even picking up a squint worth shadow, I know better luck next time. An I being pessimistic? I think I'm just scared.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

6 dpiui

Super. Crappy. Mood.
I slammed the door on the fitting room lady at the outlet I was shopping with friends, when she started to open my door without knocking first. Honestly I was so surprised at my own reaction, I could have broken the door...

Monday, December 10, 2012

5 dpo

Very moody, extremely crappy. Stomach hasn't been feeling well since last night;(

Sunday, December 9, 2012

4 dpo

I'm not counting the 1st day of ovulation, so this is day 4 pass ovulation. Often I imagine if there is any little zygote floating inside of me, where it would be or what it is like. This time around I beat myself up for believing any sign or symptoms, They simply don't exist. As soon as I feel any funny "cramp" or "pinch", next thing in mind is "oh, right, the progestrone!"
4 dpo, is one of the worst days. I plan on doing a hpt on Friday, last day at work before the big break. It would be the world if something does turn out... But I can't hold any hope at this point, it's too soon..!

Saturday, December 8, 2012

3 dpo

Nothing but some mild cramping & pressure since 1dpo. I'm contributing any and all symptom to the progesterone vaginal capsule and the various hormone inside of my body.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Progesterone day 1

If there is anything I dread more than
drawing blood, it's the progesterone vaginal capsule. Not only it mimics all the pregnancy symptom, it makes me feel like an emotionally incompetent craplord.
I'm officially 1dpo, 3dpt. I don't know what is going to happen, I can't even imagine. I told myself that doing early hpt is not an option, but boy, if I test on day 10 and get a neg, it will crush me so hard that I might have problem breathing. I know though, that the trigger is gone by 9-10dpo, so by then if there is any sign, I would be getting a darker than usual test
That motivates me to wait another week.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Iui b2b #2

Things went well this morning.
When I came home I began to have serious cramps/pressure from within.
It should be the ovulation pain, now that it's been 36 and some hours since the trigger. I read SO MANY multi follie
stories this afternoon, it seems like with 5 mature follies, we stand a pretty good chance for at least one little bean. Well, officially kicked off 2 WW again. I will steer
clear of any hpt, until next Friday, which is the last day at my work before the big holiday. I have told my husband no gifts, but he always insists on getting something For me. I hope this time life brings us our long awaited little bundle of joy to celebrate, it's been a really long wait, let's end the suspension now, shall we?

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Iui day

Lo is super active this time, not sure what happened or changed. I have been taking Royal Jelly since September, could that have been the reason? Normally I only count on the RO because the left side never wanted to produce anything.
This morning we showed up an hour late because I thought when RE says "come back in the morning", it really means "just pick a morning time", so we naively showed up at 945. It was almost too late, but they took me in anyway. Since I triggered at 830 last night, and had no sign of natural ovulation, I am probably not ovulating until late tonight or tomorrow. For that reason, I would prefer to have the sperm waiting around at the time of ovulation (when the eggs actually meet the sperms), that can take sometime even if the eggs are being released into the flopian tubes. Ideally, the fresher the sperm the better, so I wouldn't want to let the sperms wait around too long. One of the RE said the frozen sperms can live up up 2 days. That just sounds too good to be true... Anyway, I'm back for another iui tomorrow then officially, the 2 WW. I can't remember how many 2WW I have gone through and how many disappointment here had been. However we must keep trying.

Saturday, December 1, 2012