Monday, December 31, 2012

Few more hours to a new begining!

Yesterday was our wedding anniversary, and as much as I wanted to enjoy all the good things we have, there was one thing I knew that I wanted more than anything else in the world.  We will soon be going through our 9th & 10 iui (unmedicated), while wait for the February IVF.  Where that is going to lead us? I don't know nor have control over.
On another note, yesterday we cleaned up the apartment, washed all the laundries, and finally ----bath our cat! She gets a light shower once every year, so she wasn't very cooperative this time. After the shower I had to dry her with the dry blower, which was another nightmare for her (I'm sure), lol! At the end she did find comfort in the little basket where the yarn balls were, and made a little nest for herself.  Although she never came to bed (she has been sleeping with us since we got her)... I guess she was still a little mad after all..:(

Sunday, December 30, 2012

New year, same journey

So every year I make a wish, and they are all the same wishes.  I'm making it yet again for next year.
This year though, I'd like to extend my wish to all of you out there going through the same journey :)

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Lost & Found

I got this pair of earring 2 years ago from Sundance Catalog. The earrings was named"children playing" or something -- I thought it would be for good luck since we stared TTCing. I lost one of the earrings a year ago and it was very upsetting, this was for good lucks... anyway recently the other earring magically reappeared just before our first ds IVF, I thought that must have been a good sign. Well, it wasn't a sign as the cycle turned out poorly, but I do have both of them again!

Sunday, December 23, 2012

In preparation for our 5th IVF

We are planning on doing our 5th IVF this February.  After my 8th IUI, I needed a good rest, so we are switching to non-medicated IUIs for now. If everything goes as planned, we should be doing a b2b insemination sometime next week, and another one in late January.
I've gone back to read a blog that I've written about in the previous post.  She wrote about her 4th failed IVF, and she was heart broken. I feel so sad, and so so puzzled as to why IF happens to someone so healthy, willing ready and dying for a baby in her arms, it's like seeing myself all over again. With my 4th IVF, we used our first ds, and the fertilization rate was terribly low, out of 8 eggs they retrieved, we only had 2 that were in normal development.  RE said if that cycle fails, I should "consult with someone". Well, that was a BFN. So with the current donor, who actually has plenty birth report, at least he is fertile. Our old donor apparently had never been requested, nor had any birth report.
I can't imagine the paralyzing pain and disappointment she is experiencing, especially at this time of the year where everyone is praying for a miracle baby... when is this going to end...?? I pray, even though I am not a god believer, for someone who is so strong in her religious sentiment who truly deserves to be blessed....

Friday, December 21, 2012

New blog look, new cycle

I had been wanting to get the blog to look a little better. Phew!

3 Years ago when I started my first IVF, we thought that we were going to be parents so soon, and now look where we are.  I'm often sad, sometimes discouraged and pessimistic about the upcoming cycles.  I have been stalking other good blogs to try to reduce pressure by relating to other ladies undergoing such unpleasant and dreadful journey.

This particular blog I read often, is by a young lady who is married to a very handsome gentleman, they are too beautiful to not have had a child.  Sometime I feel like reaching out to her, but through reading her blog, I sense that she is only writing it for herself, even though the world can access it...I suppose people do leave comments, and I have left her a few anonymous words.  What infertility does to women, is both detrimental to the inside and the outside--the treatments, the hope, the disappointment and the physical change--this was not part of the plan! So if you stumble upon my blog, I hug you and I want to let you know, you are not along, you are brave and your future child is going to be so lucky... Back to this lovely person, I really hope she is knocked up soon, man, that would make me happy (and a little sour, well I can't help it..).  The reason why I  relate well to her, is that both of us are 30, both of us have been checked out to be perfect; both of us have great support (hubbies woohoo!) and both of us underwent SO MANY ivf--This may sounds funny but if you undergo IVF, the chance for success is near 50% (also depend on the quality of eggs, sperm, uterus lining, etc.), so to have multiple failed cycles, the pressure to succeed is huge enormous.
I was a bit shattered when Kate Middleton was announced to be expecting (with twins?) Because I thought for sure I would be pregnant before she does, I mean, imagine the pressure her UTERUS has been getting! So, it does happen for people who are trying hard..!

Lastly, a little update, we are doing our 9th iui (boy the number does rack up quick!), with no medication to prepare for the IVF in February.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Officially not pregnant

Boo. Don't be sorry, I'm going to keep going for me and my husband, if it weren't for him, I don't think that I would try so hard to be a mom.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

8th failed iui... Still BFN

I have to keep going, as infertility has permanently mounted itself into our lives. Uninvited, and Unwelcomed.
I'm going to be doing two natural cycles while waiting for the IVF in Feb.

9 dpiui hpt still negative

Guess we are heading to I IVF in February.
Time to take a nice break.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

8dpiui hpt negative

So I alway start testing at 8dp, it's better to know early than to have all hopes up then be crushed at once. It's always very hard to watch that dreadful signal line becomes stronger and stronger and that second magical line does not appear. By this time if the strip isn't even picking up a squint worth shadow, I know better luck next time. An I being pessimistic? I think I'm just scared.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

6 dpiui

Super. Crappy. Mood.
I slammed the door on the fitting room lady at the outlet I was shopping with friends, when she started to open my door without knocking first. Honestly I was so surprised at my own reaction, I could have broken the door...

Monday, December 10, 2012

5 dpo

Very moody, extremely crappy. Stomach hasn't been feeling well since last night;(

Sunday, December 9, 2012

4 dpo

I'm not counting the 1st day of ovulation, so this is day 4 pass ovulation. Often I imagine if there is any little zygote floating inside of me, where it would be or what it is like. This time around I beat myself up for believing any sign or symptoms, They simply don't exist. As soon as I feel any funny "cramp" or "pinch", next thing in mind is "oh, right, the progestrone!"
4 dpo, is one of the worst days. I plan on doing a hpt on Friday, last day at work before the big break. It would be the world if something does turn out... But I can't hold any hope at this point, it's too soon..!

Saturday, December 8, 2012

3 dpo

Nothing but some mild cramping & pressure since 1dpo. I'm contributing any and all symptom to the progesterone vaginal capsule and the various hormone inside of my body.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Progesterone day 1

If there is anything I dread more than
drawing blood, it's the progesterone vaginal capsule. Not only it mimics all the pregnancy symptom, it makes me feel like an emotionally incompetent craplord.
I'm officially 1dpo, 3dpt. I don't know what is going to happen, I can't even imagine. I told myself that doing early hpt is not an option, but boy, if I test on day 10 and get a neg, it will crush me so hard that I might have problem breathing. I know though, that the trigger is gone by 9-10dpo, so by then if there is any sign, I would be getting a darker than usual test
That motivates me to wait another week.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Iui b2b #2

Things went well this morning.
When I came home I began to have serious cramps/pressure from within.
It should be the ovulation pain, now that it's been 36 and some hours since the trigger. I read SO MANY multi follie
stories this afternoon, it seems like with 5 mature follies, we stand a pretty good chance for at least one little bean. Well, officially kicked off 2 WW again. I will steer
clear of any hpt, until next Friday, which is the last day at my work before the big holiday. I have told my husband no gifts, but he always insists on getting something For me. I hope this time life brings us our long awaited little bundle of joy to celebrate, it's been a really long wait, let's end the suspension now, shall we?

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Iui day

Lo is super active this time, not sure what happened or changed. I have been taking Royal Jelly since September, could that have been the reason? Normally I only count on the RO because the left side never wanted to produce anything.
This morning we showed up an hour late because I thought when RE says "come back in the morning", it really means "just pick a morning time", so we naively showed up at 945. It was almost too late, but they took me in anyway. Since I triggered at 830 last night, and had no sign of natural ovulation, I am probably not ovulating until late tonight or tomorrow. For that reason, I would prefer to have the sperm waiting around at the time of ovulation (when the eggs actually meet the sperms), that can take sometime even if the eggs are being released into the flopian tubes. Ideally, the fresher the sperm the better, so I wouldn't want to let the sperms wait around too long. One of the RE said the frozen sperms can live up up 2 days. That just sounds too good to be true... Anyway, I'm back for another iui tomorrow then officially, the 2 WW. I can't remember how many 2WW I have gone through and how many disappointment here had been. However we must keep trying.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Follie check day

Rather uplifting news, left side had 3 follies ranging 10-11,right side also 3 from 10-12 with multiple small ones on both side.
I seem to respond better since the beginning of my iuis?

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Follie check tomorrow

Iui #8 on going.
Right after the first folistim shot I began having cramp like discomfort. Today is day 5 of stim, and the cramp has been better since day3. Eh. Don't know what to expect tomorrow at all, it's a bit exciting actually.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Day 3 RE

Room full of miserable people. Fun. Waited 3 hr at RE's office.
The MM dr. said that since I responded "really well" with 150 folistim last time (4 good size follies + a few smaller ones), if I respond exceptionally well (like, above 5), they would have to "cancel it". I understand that, i know that is what is required of them, at least toward the patients, but to simply cancel what could be my only chance of getting conceived just because they would like to "avoid multiples" just sounds so cruel.  What if this is my last afforded cycle? What if I will not have another chance?  What if THAT IS MY FUCKING CHOICE? She looked at me and said "Eh! You don't understand--"like I am stupid. Dear RE lady, I hope you don't go through what I had to for 3 years, I hope you never have any fertility issues, I hope you don't live my life, because if you did, you would jump at any chance to have a child, as a mother, as woman, as a person.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Monday, November 19, 2012

Going on to 8th IUI

Sigh... Hubby says I need to "believe"...I do, I want to believe........…

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Iui #7 out

I'm beginning to be convinced that I might never have my own babies. I'm so sad. I think part if me is slowly dying inside.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Answers found (for now)

So the raging lh level? I think I had a couple of cysts after using the ovidrel trigger for this cycle. Tomorrow I'm going in for a test and u/s, that should give us some piece of mind.
Alas, what did I do to deserve this:(

What the???

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

6/7 dpiui

Near positive opk.. Sigh... What is wrong with me? The hpt is near blank so the trigger is leaving my system nicely, and I'm very confused about the strong lh surge, it should have been much weaker at 6/7 dpiui already.
This cycle survived a hurricane, and broken crane and a snow storm, all I really need is for one little bean to implant and grow... Mommie and dady
have been waiting for 3 years now lil'bean!! Come on!!

6 dpo

Bleeding gum??? Yak.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

7th cycle not scratched after all...

Turns out I had been slowly ovulation since last week. By Sat I had a semi strong lh surge, I assumed the regular surge would peak the next day as usual since my lh peak usually goes about 3 days. This Tuesday I took another lh strip, it was near peak.( what)
I was very confused so I decided to go in for a u/s just to find out what was going on. The story ends where I had my 7th iui today, my 3rd unmedicated cycle. Oy..

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Not sure what is going on

Gave up on the Oct because of the weather but I might be surging right now. Went for a blood and ultra sound this morning and awaiting the blood to tell me whether I ovulated or still ovulating. Either way if I have to come in on Friday, it might just as well not happen as there is no way I would miss half day at work for a unmedicated one follie cycle..
By the way I had one follie in the right ovary, the cyst is gone so that's the good news of the day.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Cycle scratched

Due to natural disaster, will try for the Nov cycle. Just waiting for Af at this point...

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

7th iui natural cycle

Not sure whether it's going on or not. If I turn positive today I'd go in tomorrow but if I turn positive tomorrow I can't go in on Friday due to work. Again, uncertainty. Infertility mixed with reality,WTF;(

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

7th iui on the way with new donor

Switched NECC to Fairfax, donor with impressive record of birth rate, wow.
Here we go again.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

The Right To Be A Mother

Did a hpt that was stark negative. I knew it too well, so there is no need to waste more hormone, therefore i stopped progesterone last night. Yes, there are MANY MANY "miracle stories" out there where people had their hpt positive past 10 dpo, but I know me too well, I know that empty feeling within me, for 3 years I know it every month.
I refuse to be the certain percent of women who could never give birth, it will happen and I will do anything and everything to make that happen. If anything, I deserve to be a mother, i am entitled to be a mother and even if this is going to be the hardest battle
In my life, I'm gonna win it.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Already knew it

9 dpo, symptom including all progesterone manifested sensations: sore bbs, cramps, higher tem...
Woke up this morning feeling "empty"inside, such had been felt in every failed cycle. Had a weird light LH surge in the am, then it's gone by the pm. Hem.....

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Bloody f-ing day

I just want to cry and curse. several people on my Facebook either posted about being pregnant or have already given birth.
When the hell is my F-king turn????????????????????????????????????????
And, I'm truly happy for them... I just would like my fucking turn please, 3 years is long enough in my opinion.

Oral bbt VS. Vaginal bbt??

My bbt hasn't today I tried vaginal bbt---holy moe! Huge difference! Regular oral bbt 97.6 and when taken vaginally is 98.9-99.1!
Wth?? Think I'm going to start charting bbt again. After the prob now I'm having a lower an cramp. Jesus come ---on!! :((((

6dpo.... Already feeling low

Cried in my hubby's arm today, feeling totally bummed. We are trying too hard perhaps?? But what else can I do?
Is there anything else I can do?? I wish there's a way to knock me off for a couple of weeks after iui...

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

4 dpo crappy mood

Here I am again, on my 2nd injectable round, 6th iui total, feeling the completely lost, insecure, crappy and miserable 2WW. I'm testing the trigger this time, so far the strip still has a visible line, I think It will eventually be gone by next 4 days or so. It made me wonder if the shadows I saw from the previous cycles which I thought were miscarriages were actually just left over triggers...I've become soooooo good at squinting at the strips....

Friday, September 28, 2012

IUI October 2011!

Wipe away the tears and here we go again! Stared the stim yesterday, estimated trigger date between Oct 8-10. I'm using Gonal F and folistim, luckily this time we are using the left over meds!
Ian still taking royal jelly x2/day, I don't feel anything special yet but we will see how many follies we will have next Tuesday!

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Natural cycle in progress

Here we are again, our 6th iui, 2nd unmedicsted cycle. Clinic gave ok the do the insemination today.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

First encounter with royal jelly.

Although it came still cold, and looked very normal, it tasted shall I describe it... It first tasted like something sweet, then sour, like something do concentrated that it has tremendous impact on its flavor...well, here we go with the experiment!;$

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

No dominating follies...

Went for 3rd ultra sound this morning, dr. Said she couldn't see any dominating follies, meaning this week i am ovulation free;( maybe I will keep testing and go in for a iui when it turns positive... If it does.....

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Nothing that can help me

The morning appointment with the RE was just as typical as every other ones.
The questions had been asked many many times-- why can't I produce quality eggs? Why the low fertilization rate? How much more is too much??
RE suggested to have a second opinion elsewhere, that would help, I'm sure....
What a long day with absolutely no hope...

Monday, August 27, 2012

4th IUI

We have decided to give IUI another shot this September. We still have 4 units storage left From our donor.
Also the royal jelly hasn't given me any problems so far...tomorrow I begin taking 2 a day and continue to observe any changes to my body.
I was reading someone's ttc blog, felt really bad for her as well as for myself.
because I'm also the same age and thought I would be a mother by now. Not so, not so....

Thursday, August 23, 2012

New cycle?

AF came a few days ago, today I went to my Day 2 blood & Ultra sound. I was half hr late-- somehow I thought morning monitor hour was to 9 am. However someone finally took my blood and scanned me. Doc said I had a residual cyst on the right side, and I was to come back in a week to see how it is. My royal jelly came yesterday, on a happier note. I took one capsule today and will continue taking only one for a week before adding the second capsule. Would it make any change? Who knows...only time will tell.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Royal Jolly anyone?

This is our 5th failed IVF, and the first donor cycle, so I guess it really it's not that bad... Now we just need me to be a better egg Durham farm's royal jolly was shipped out yesterday. DH said he would also take it, it doesn't hurt anyways...

Worst cramp

Whoa, came the period following the 3rd day free of Progesterone. I stopped my progesterone about three nights ago after chasing a never ending shadow for a few days, I knew the eggs didn't stick.
I have been researching about royal jelly product, it's never recommended to me but it can't hurt at this point.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

10dp3dt Hpt Negative....

I'm starting this blog, hoping someday I can look back and laugh about it. This is our official 5th IVF and I did just about everything to ensure a healthy implantation... didn't work. When the hpt didn't pick up anything by day 8 I knew it was another hopeless run, but I would rather know early than continue to stuff myself with progesterone for another meaningless 5 days. I knew the result, despite those other "miracle cases" people have reported to boost courage, a negative is a negative.