Thursday, February 28, 2013

Feeling overwhelmed

Today is one of these days I know my hormone is acting up. I've been feeling tired and depressed, everything seems so significant and annoying. I just want to curl up and cry--quietly, just to myself.
I'm a mess, an emotional and physical mess. Last week I thought I will be ovulating on time since the doctor didn't find any cyst, but alas, not so soon! I feel like a tiny piece of leaf floating in the ocean with no direction, no hope and no luck. I don't know when to stop or where the end is (or whether it has already arrived for me) other than the bills are still pouring in from my previous cycle with no baby in sight. The only thing is certain is that soon I will be 31, 4 years away from when we stared to ttc. I guess what makes it worse is people in my life are either pregnant, gave birth or already have two or three kids, which is great, I'm happy some people can achieve pregnancy so easily, but it makes me so mad and sad that my hardest work has not gotten us anywhere so far, all we have are bills and more questions... My poor husband...I know the hardest thing for him is seeing me cry because it's rare that I tear up-- normally I'm a strong gal who doesn't believe in tears...:(
Can today get better? Can this life get better?

There is no such thing as "unexplained" infertility

After reading some articles, I developed a thought on immunologic factor in my own infertility, because let's face it, there is no such thing as "unexplained infertility", right? It all can be explained if one is willing to try. Well my clinic doesn't believe in immunological factor it so they outsourced me to another doctor in town. I wrote to the Denmark clinic asking if they do the immunologic testings there, which is usually cheaper in (by 60%).  Come to think of it, they also never charged me a consultation fee either..can this IF get better??

Sunday, February 24, 2013


Sometime next week I will be inseminated twice with a stranger's sperm, thus making our 10th IUI official.
Why do I keep doing it? Because I'm stuck with 4 veils of his sperm in the clinic's storage, also there is alway that 5-15% chance I will conceive naturally, right? You can only repeat something for so long before you turn completely numb, and that's how infertility feels like to me.

Friday, February 22, 2013

Good news, well deserved

No post cycle cyst, what a miracle! The RE also checked her charts and found no new AMH test (phew) so she ordered an update test today. I'm relieved that what the other doctor said was a mere mistake, but at the meantime, I'm concerned about the new number already.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Just when you don't think it can get any worse

DH went to pay off the balance today.  Later he mentioned that he ran into the doctor who did my retrieval, who was very sympathetic about my failed cycle. The doc also mentioned that my Reserve had "drooped from 0.8 to 0.3",WHAT????????? My last test (done 2 years ago) was 1.2 which was normal low--when did it become 0.8, and subsequently 0.3?? This came as a huge shocker to me. However the credibility of these numbers is yet to be questioned, I don't recall anyone ever ordered a AMH, unless this was done as part of the regular blood draw in my cycles???  BUT  just a few weeks ago while at morning monitoring I had asked my RE what my current AMH number was, he responded that they haven't gotten a new one done, but we should get a new AMH test done.
So how do I suddenly have this alarmingly low number? And when did this even happen? Moreover,
if the AMH had such significant drop, why wasn't I ever notified by anyone at the clinic?? I might have not gone though with the cycle and instead, approached other options like DE........
I really, really hope the RE make a mistake.  But if he didn't, and it is indeed my very cruel reality, then I shall accept it and move on to other paths.  Meanwhile, our Denmark trip might not happen because they don't accept patients with certain high FSH number which coincide with AMH.
I'm making a follow up appointment with the RE to find out the facts hopefully early next week. 


 GREEN Above the 25th centile for younger, fertile women. Very likely normal ovarian reserve - age is best predictor of your future fertility. 80% chance of 6 or more eggs in IVF.
 ORANGE Between the 25th and 10th centiles for younger, fertile women. Some women in this range will have reduced ovarian reserve. 50% chance of 6 or more eggs in IVF.
 RED Below the 10th centile for younger, fertile women. Very likely reduced ovarian reserve. 20% chance of 6 or more eggs in IVF.


Friday, February 15, 2013


I'm praying for people I have come to know (in life or through internet) to have a great success in their cycle. It will also make me feel better about the unfairness of IF.  You are in my thoughts.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Presumed Chemical

At my last failed cycle I cried on my husband's shoulder for a long time asking why couldn't I get pregnant; even a miscarriage or a chemical pregnancy would at least prove that my uterus is somehow "putting it to work". Well, this is it, a presumed chemical pregnancy, the best I can do.
My hpt has gone completely stark after a few days of shadow chasing (it was getting darker). I thought this was happening for me, after all these years of disappointments, heartaches and tears. However, inside there was a voice telling me to stop the dreaming.  Well, the dream is just a dream. The sobbing phase hasn't hit me just yet, I'm busy until this Friday, then when everything settles down, I'll let the emotion run, right now it needs to be tucked away. ..Must. Have. A happy face for friends and work....

Monday, February 11, 2013

Case scenario

I have been lurking around those fertility forums like everyone else. I also follow blogs, as weird is it sounds, as soon as you get to know "strangers" by sharing IF issue and related event, you become somewhat attached to the person, as well as their battle.  There have been so many times where I would have loved to leave comments and words of encouragements, but I'm not the best kind of example for anyone fighting IF--I've done 6 IVFs & 9 IUIs and never had a m/c, I'm a bad case scenario here.  So forgive me for lurking through your site holding my tongue, trust me, I would loved to see nothing more than all of you get knocked up today (and myself of course)!
POAS remains inconclusive, by the way...

Sunday, February 10, 2013


This afternoon I uploaded a picture of a series of post trigger hpt, when I thought it was getting somehow "darker"--the opposite of what I am used to seeing. The truth is, I knew I was most likely chasing shadows, but I just enjoyed having even the slimiest gleam of hope-- that maybe, just.maybe this cycle worked...out of all odds...I've been staring at those tests for so long,
I could probably see anything out if's not even a remote positive and I'm losing my s&$t over it already... :(

What is this

I woke up earlier than my husband did this morning, which is rare, he is the early bird and I am that lazy bum...but I had a very uneasy night, dreams after soon as I opened my eyes, I felt a period like cramp, along with that "uh-oh" sensation.  It's 11 days past trigger, 6 days past transfer for me.  I started to test the trigger since 4dp3dt/9dpt (top one), that very day the trigger was still visible, the next day it was stark, so I figured it was completely gone from my system.

Friday, February 8, 2013

A free IVF, so far:/

Just realized we haven't paid for out IVF this cycle. I was at the billing window twice asking for the balance since they make sure everything is squared away before proceeding to the ET, this time the billing lady said she couldn't find me on her "list", so I actually had the checkbook in hand but couldn't pay for anything! Now I'm curious to see how long it would take for them to realize this. We have had much problem with the billing at my clinic, but it's usually us chasing them for over charges so this time I'm definitely not in the hurry ;P

Finally getting a negative on the trigger today. I have not had any cramp what so ever this cycle. I can't remember if my last ivf cycle in August was the same, but I sure had more cramps on iui cycles-- maybe not having the eggs for the first three days makes the difference? Anyway, who knows.

9 day past trigger today

According to the Internet goddesses:

Ovidrel has a half life of 27 hours. Most pregnancy tests trip at about 25IU. 250mcg of Ovidrel is about equivalent to 6700IU. So ...

27 hours after trigger (let's just call it day 1), you should have 1/2 of 6700 left in your system, or 3350
Day 2, half of that or 1675
Day 3, 837.50
Day 4, 418.75
Day 5, 209.375
Day 6, 104.6875
Day 7, 52.344
Day 8, 26.172
Day 9, 13.09 *

Well, my Wondfo is still picking up a visible pink line today, at a 9 day past trigger, that means the hcg in my system is still greater than 25mcg,  I guess I'm a day or two behind? Usually by the 12th day past trigger does the second line disappears almost 100% on me, in addition I swear those "internet cheapies"can pick up anything from 5-10mcg.

Also, got this from a friend for encouragment ;) You are so sweet! The little crown is such a nice touch lol!

Thursday, February 7, 2013

These challeneged days

I'm not having much cramps at all this time around, which is good, otherwise I go bananas.
My head is a huge ball of cotton, it's so stuffed inside I can't seem to fit anything into it.  I'm trying to develop my teaching plan, but my mind is not willing to give today :( Duhhhh. Aside from the progesterones and the incoming storm, I'm more or less confined at home.  The hardest thing is that I can't exercise, at least not right now at 2dp3dt. I know people have various opinions on post transfer activity and I certainty don't mean going about a marathon, but exercising keeps me sane.  Not being able to stretch or jumping rope is very frustrating, especially since I'm eating like a pig.  Yesterday I had a huge indigestion, this is what happens when I spend some serious time on cooking at home. Husband doesn't pick on food and is highly complementary(brave soul!).  Once I start searching for recipes, that's it for the rest of the day (Hence the indigestion...)
I hope the storm is nothing serious.. certaintly could use some sunshine right now.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

The beginning of a new 2WW

The embryologist recommends the transfer today. Out of the 5 eggs retrieved, 4 were mature but only one fertilized. The surviving embryo however, is at an exceptional quality with less than 5% fragmentation, they gave it a grade of 8AA--finally some light in the tunnel for us.

That being said, I have begun the magic 2WW.  Let's hope this is the one and let our 3 year IF journey end here.

Sunday, February 3, 2013


1 egg fertilized, out of 5 retrieved. I'm not going to embellish how I am feeling right now-- This  sucks. 

Saturday, February 2, 2013


5 eggs collected at ER today, that's all I can say. I'm so disappointed. I don't want to be pessimistic but even when we had 7 or 8 eggs retrieved, we normally only end up with 2 or less embryo at ET, that's less than a 1/3 transfer rate, this patter predicts only 1 egg will probably be up for transfer, statistically speaking...
I don't want to be down on this already, but that evil voice is already singing out loud....