Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Update on the spotting

There has been no more spotting following the last episode.  I made sure that my horizontalness remained loyal to the bed, and made S do ALL the walking around (except peeing,etc). Seems like baby N's goofing around irritated my cervix somehow. After all, it wasn't even a complete drop of blood, just some pink smudge, which was enough to cause panic...

It's been a long road for us since 2009, 6 years have passed since we tumbled onto this path, and we are finally getting to the point where the light at the end of the tunnel(the first tunnel) is close enough that we could feel its warmth. 

Thursday, May 14, 2015


Last night I saw some pinkish spotting and it was freaking me out. Not because I'm afraid of preterm but because we are not due to return home for another 2 weeks. The last thing I want is to be stuck here and give birth...:/ the pinkish spotting didn't progress into anything darker or accompanied with cramp, there was no bleeding or contraction, so I went to bed and stayed in bed the next day.
Baby N has been very active these days, I suspect her feet are close to the cervix, it hurts when she does her dance, maybe that contributed to some irritation in the cervix..just hoping I get through the next two weeks and we return home safely!!!!!!

Monday, May 11, 2015

Fallen bird

After days of depressing rainy days and nagging humidity, we finally were able to welcome one gorgeous, dry and sunny day. S and I sat on the porch to enjoy a nice little lunch, while enjoy some much needed sun. Somewhere in the glaring light I noticed something wiggling by the gutter pipes and the ground. It looked like a field mouse at first, but when I walked over I realized it was a tiny pink wiggly baby bird with two big shut eyes and one gigantic mouth opening for food. It must have fallen from the nest under the roof flashing. It's kind of tucked between the roof and the flashing so it's nearly impossible to stuff anything in there.  I observed its parents flying back and fourth to feed by going through a small gap. We first place the baby bird in a small box and stuffed back to near it nest, but when its parents came back they paid no attention to the box, despite the bird's crying plea for food. After a while we decided to give it a last try by putting it back under the roof, hopefully as close to the nest as possible..there was nothing else we could do but hope it survives.  It was an eye warming moment to see how gentle S was with this weak and helpless little life, he was so hopeful for it. This reminded me greatly of our lost baby, and the many embryos we had hopes for in the previous cycles... once it's in the nest, you are physically incapacitated but to be hopeful that there the emotional strength attached to your little baby would make a difference against the odds... A few hours later I came back to check on it, praying that the little guy wiggled back to its nest and rekindled with its parents...but it was lying there again, no longer wiggling...we buried it and went on our way. It was very hard for me to not to get emotionally involved with things like this. Sure I move on but inside I wish there was something we could have done for that little fella so it could grow and see the sky. But nature is cruel in our eyes... Its parents only cared for the babies inside of the nest, this would be unimaginable in the human world, yet nature and its perpetual cycle of selection on the strongest and the most wise never failed itself.
I think about our loss, our friend's loss and losses I come across from the group, it's so hard to live through it.