Sunday, July 28, 2013

"Not like forever, 17 times," says Dion. But "I'm going to try until it works."

by MARISA LAUDADIO,,20350757,00.html

As Celine Dion was packing her family's bags for a vacation one morning last December, her fertility doctor called her Florida home with her latest test results. But, watching as her husband of 15 years, René Angélil, broke down in tears, she knew it wasn't the news they had hoped for. She wasn't pregnant; her fourth IVF attempt had failed.

Dion was devastated, but given that her son, 9-year-old René-Charles, was downstairs waiting to leave for Disney World, the singer had to keep her feelings in check. "I didn't want to get into the emotion—it wasn't time to cry about something that didn't work," she recalls. Instead she reached for a silver lining: "I said to him, 'The bad news is Mommy isn't pregnant. But the good news is I'm going to be able to go on every ride with you!' And I did. We had a ball."

Almost two months later Dion is preparing to take another roller-coaster ride. Her film Celine: Through the Eyes of the World, which documents her recent yearlong 132-date tour, hits theaters Feb. 17, and she'll kick off a new Las Vegas show in 2011. As her career moves on, she has also decided to give her dream of a second baby another chance. "Not like forever, 17 times," says Dion. But "I'm going to try until it works."

In January Dion, 41, began the grueling process of preparing her body for her fifth IVF attempt in six months: estrogen patches, blood tests every other day ("Your veins get weak"), frequent ultrasounds and daily hormone injections. "It's not, 'Oh, poor Celine,' but it's a lot," she says, touching her bruised thighs, which are numb and full of lumps from the long needles that go deep into the muscle. "I give the shots to myself. But René's with me." The hormones that help make a pregnancy possible also bring a tidal wave of emotions; sometimes Dion cries for no reason at all. "We go crazy waiting for the results," says Angélil, 68. "It's like waiting for the lotto, but it's bigger than that—imagine. It's the biggest news you can get." Says Dion: "You do everything [right], and you're careful, and you rest, and then ..."

Her first IVF attempt in August, in fact, seemed to work. News of her pregnancy leaked to the press, so Dion felt an obligation to her fans to confirm it, only to lose the pregnancy days later. She and Angélil decided to try again the next month. "Everybody's calling to congratulate me, they're sending balloons and gifts, and I don't return their calls to thank them. How do I do that?" she says. "I felt bad because I was not pregnant."

Nor is her struggle easy for Dion to explain to her son, whom she calls R.C. "He said, 'Wasn't it supposed to be 100 percent?'" she says. "I said, 'It's like nature, a little flower grows and then too much wind and then ... [But] another one's going to grow.'"

The couple's second and third procedures last fall were also unsuccessful, and with a new Vegas show deal in the works by then, Dion thought their fourth round of IVF in December would be their last. Learning that it had also failed felt like "an end to motherhood. I found it really hard," says the singer, who grew up with 13 siblings. So when Angélil—who says they're "not really" considering adoption—told her over the holidays that he wanted to try again, she was overjoyed. "There's something inside of me that says [not to] give myself that pressure, that it's my last time," she says, adding that doctors say they were "extremely lucky" to become pregnant with R.C. on their first IVF try 10 years ago and that four or five attempts are not uncommon for couples with fertility issues. "She knows a lot of women have this problem," says her sister Manon, 49. Adds Dion: "We would love to expand our family. But honestly I'm more than blessed with my son. He is everything for me."

So much so that the world's top earner in album and concert sales for the last decade wakes up at the very un-showbiz hour of 6:30 a.m. every weekday to drive her son to "his first normal school" (he was home-schooled in Las Vegas and on her world tour) 10 minutes from their home in Jupiter, Fla. When R.C. isn't manipulating music on his computer or deejay table ("Rihanna's big-time in our house," she says), he's playing golf, basketball and, more recently, baseball and soccer. The second grader is sleeping in his parents' bed (along with the family's 5-month-old female yellow Lab, Charlie) while he adjusts to his new surroundings after living on the road for so long. "I'm more than fine with it," says Dion. "I have my two boys with me, the dog that snores, a fish tank that bubbles, the pet rat Lionel that scratches—everybody's with Mommy! There's a lot of action!" she laughs. "It's not about beauty sleep anymore. When they're not there, you miss it so much."

That's why Angélil, who's also her manager, scheduled Dion's upcoming Vegas show—which will include favorites from her own repertoire plus hit movie songs—around their son's school schedule. The Caesars Palace residency will launch March 15, 2011, with or without a baby in tow, and will include about 70 performances a year. Says Dion: "I'll balance my showbiz life with my most important job: motherhood."

To that end, she's hoping the fifth IVF try's the charm. "We tell her, 'Cross your fingers—and your legs!'" says her sister Manon. Plus, "Five's my lucky number, so this is the time it's got to [work]," says Dion. "We would love for my son to have a brother or sister—no rats, no dogs, no fish can replace that, you know? But you don't control. It's up to God.... One way or another we're going to be good."

Monday, July 22, 2013

A terrible week

The week itself was great, caught on with lots of tv shows and lots of indulgence starting from gorgeous sun to awesome food.  
But I couldn't sleep, and even if I try to I'd have horrible dreams.
In one dream i dreamed that I killed someone, and later I was dying of a disease no one would tell me what it was.
I know ovulation can cause a lots of hormonal problems. We are due to start another cycle in a little over a week, I'm always wondering whether "this is it" or it ends up being another number on my chart that further validates me as an infertile. 
4 years. It has to end, soon.
Husband says I need to have hope, I do, but the fear of being broken again is already lurking around the corner:(

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Making plans

Turns out it's just as difficult as we thought to get lab work and meds in France for our Denmark what the heck, we booked a trip to Denmark for scan and meds on July 29.  We will return home the next day to start stim, then 8 days later, be in Denmark again for the retrieval and hopefully ET.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

A little frustration comes a long way

OK, I'm annoyed. In fact I have been feeling annoyed.  The dr in Denmark is not getting back to me as he promised...
Every time I write to him, I either wait 1 week with no reply or I'm told he will contact but then no follow up. This time I called his cel phone as he demanded I do, several times no one picks up then he picks up said he's in the middle of a procedure that he'd contact me later that night, that was last night:(((((
We are trying to figure out how we can get the meds for the next cycle, while it's hard to book tickets in the summer at the moment.
When someone, especially a doctor makes a promise, you'd expect him/her to honor it. :( I wonder what is up really, is this personal or just how they practice?--Not very patient orientated?? It's not like that I have excessive amount of questions...
Just saw someone's siggy, her last try in IVF which resulted in a positive pregnancy, the baby stopped growing at the first ob....I am so sad, so so sad for her..... Not only I went through the whole process with her, she has been the source of my courage with this next cycle.  My heart shattered with hers.....

Monday, July 15, 2013

5 years together today

Husband and I came together since July 2008.  I'm so thankful for him... I'm so thankful that life gave him to me.
It wasn't easy, I have to admit, there were moments that I thought the world was ending (particularly during AF and ovulation).  But when you meet the right person, the two will compensate and keeping on giving the gift of love and care. ;)
Now that we are more than ready to extend our tree, we are met with tremendous obstacles, we were broken several times by disappointments and the cruel reality.  People who I got to know along this journey are all troopers, so strong and compassionate.  Every cycle we get through together, some will succeed and end their journey, while others continue to try.  My heart breaks when someone I know going though a tough cycle, or encounter unexpected set back, all I can think is how tough that would be and how many more scars it would add to their journey...
Why me..? Why us....? I constantly feel like my heart is being slowly cooked in anticipation...only the anticipation is the best I can get...
I have lived 4 years trying to become a mother, while other people are already having their 2nd and 3 rd editions... Waking up in the morning, going to sleep at night, I have only one thing in mind.
I hate pills, yet I'm taking 10 + pills a day.. Not evening knowing if they'd help anything...:(
Why...?? Just WHY???

Friday, July 12, 2013

Not so new protocol

Em....I got the doctor's email regarding my next cycle. Everything is the same except instead of every other day Gonal-F from day 4, it's everyday Gonal-F until CD 9-10. So same amount of clomid and more Gonal-F.
Days are getting more gorgeous everyday, I've going swimming every morning and goyaing in the afternoon.  It's been great really, even with a deep black hole inside of me all the time, it's hard to think depressingly.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Next cycle

I'm suppose to be getting a "cycle detail sheet" from my Dr at CFC tonight.  The next cycle will be the same protocol, with tweaks to the dosages. I believe the right protocol can really boost our chance, given there are so many obstacles in every cycle, and egg quality being the foremost important one... 

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Werid Infertility--Baby crime movie of the month

Husband and I decided to watch a crime thriller last night on Netflix. We randomly ran into this movie by John Cusack and Jannifer Carpenter, both actors I like (and still do). I had no idea this movie turned out to be a infertility related crime story (Spoiler alert!! Stop reading if you want to watch this movie!!!) While the plot was somewhat interesting with a twist, I can't help but noticing Carpenter's character actually gets away with the crime at the end! She plays an infertile detective who is desperate to be a mother...Is this the reason why she gets away with everything at the end? Because she kills others to have their babies and raise them as her own??

My friends have recommended "Maybe baby", I will watch it when I'm ready. I just can't watch another baby film right now...

Saturday, July 6, 2013


Yesterday I had a "Meltdown".  I just couldn't take anymore, I had to pour some of the sorrow out through uncontrollable crying.
Am I depressed? Because right now I can't even imagine being pregnant through IVF at all. I cannot see myself ever win this fight.
Husband said if I say this to myself then we might as well quit doing IVF because it's too hard on me mentally.  It's hard, it sneaks up on you and makes you feel pathetic for failing and you can't blame a thing but yourself.  Roller coasters have a stop, IF doesn't.
It hurts so much to see other women with babies or pregnant now days...This can't be healthy..:/
I don't know how everyone does it, many  women suffer longer journeys and even bigger disappointments, how could they possibly handle it? I'm not that strong...

Thursday, July 4, 2013

Cycle change

AF came 4 days earlier, a 24 day cycle?? WOW, this has never happened!

Monday, July 1, 2013

A good week

Coming back from Denmark, spending time with our friend who had been house sitting while we were gone is great.  The whole week has been nice, with lots of tennis and lots of laughter and a pool party. The water was freeezing!
The doctor at CFC hasn't responded to my emails at all, it's frustrating to feel like being left at a corner. I will call him again tomorrow to find out if we should do a b2b cycle or not.