Swollen eyelid and dry eyes

Woke up with a swollen eyelid o_0
Dry eyes is also one of the supposed side effect of DHEA...

So... What is wrong with me exactly???

Had my hysterosonogram today, all good.
The ovaries have several equal size follicles, AMH 1.8 FSH 11, etc, etc (fsh was higher than expected, but amh was higher than previously tested). Most importantly, I don't have elevated immune issue, so no worries about any "killer cells". However it turned out that I do indeed have low testosterone, at a range of 18, where they like to see in the 30's.
So........ this whole infertility thing is all because of my testosterone deficiency??
I lament when people (including doctors) tell me "just relax, you will be pregnant in no time.." Ahh!! How am I suppose to relax thinking about it??

Following the family meeting..

We've decided to not bother with an extension on our lease and leave the country as planned, do a cycle in Denmark in the summer while taking DHEA.  The Danish hospital thinks I should do a micro ivf, pretty much the same as the clinic in NY.  All of sudden we have so much on our plate, on top of this IF crap, eh! >;(

From warm and dry to cold and wet

SF was fun, we of course walked a lot, and I was all exited about being able to wear short sleeve once, I actually have bunch pictures of it;)
So, back to reality-- a.k.a problems needing to be solved...where do we go now and should I start a cycle with CHR this May, or should I continue DHEA for the summer and cycle in Sep? I got the sense that my doctor wants me to jump right in, although he is right about my "priority", it is our family that comes first, but I'm so scared this wouldn't work ..I'm so nervous about going through another failure that's supposedly "not my fault".

It pours!

Thanks to Bogo, a worthless Internet service which charges a very steep fee for mid- air Internet, we were able to get emails(only). An email from our landlord emerged on my screen--he's decided to put the apt up for sale, even though just a few weeks ago he expressed that he wasn't going to sell "anytime soon". Now in SF, all I can think is where do we go now? We were suppose to leave in May and come back in August, now we have two month to move elsewhere, on top of our CHR plan:( of course the landlord should sell anytime he wants, but this is a such bad timing--!! :(((((

No miracle baby for us

I'm officially starting the DHEA tomorrow x3 a day.  Because of the latest IUI, I wanted to be sure before taking anything..well, no miracle baby for us yet I guess...but hey, now we are encouraged to get back on using DH's swimmers, we might have a children that are truly ours, this might be a good news after all! For the first time in years, I've felt some hope lifting my spirit (yes, still have some left)!
Heading to CA for the first tiiiiiime to visit our nephew, I'm excited! I'm such an East-coaster, West coast scares me a bit :) We found a really cozy place near the museums through airbnb, what a great way to find a landing spot:) Our friend also highly recommended "The Stinky Rose"for dinner, said it will surprise us! We'll see! SF here we come!!

The Duggar family...

Wow. Just. Wow.

The dream-complication

I'm officially a patient of CHR, that's great, with my own research it seems like the DHEA I'm prescribed has done much good for women (particularly older women) with egg quality issues. While I'm possibly suffering from Premature Aging Ovaries Syndrome(PAO), it is different from Premature Ovarian Failure (POF).  My tests will tell, hopefully the Dr. is right about PAO.

 Here's the headache, it's not even a limbo because we literally have no choice but to compromise to our priority--making some kids.

After my recent IVF, we decided to go to Denmark.  With extensive research and communication with the doctor at Copenhagen fertility center, we were planning on doing cycle(s) there during the summer.  However, since our consultation and subsequently my diagnose, it seems to make sense to give CHR a try.  I have never ever had a doctor who was so confident about the eventuality of us getting pregnant, nor anyone able to give answers on what the heck is wrong.  I want to maintain our objectivity and work with science, knowing Jesus or Buddha are probably on our side too...if DHEA is my answer (and it seems to have positive effect) I'm willing to give it a try, with the understanding that there is not guaranty for success with CHR.

Now the chase: we have bought round trip tickets that are not refundable one week before the consultation happened. Bummer.  Now, we can either go and come back, or we can change the flight dates, which of course depends on my cycle calendar (which can only be very approximate at this point). Assuming everything goes awesomely, we would probably be having our cycle in May, which means we can leave in June, regardless what the outcome is with our cycle. So I'm already nervous about changing the tickets to a June date then something else comes along...life is just SO unpredictable sometimes :( The Dr. said from his initial observation, I am not in the rapid decline group of women suffering from PAO; however whether the decline is smooth or rapid, my ovaries are going down, and the sooner we have kids the better it is --who knows one day they just decided to go bananas once for all. 

Conclusion from the first consulation at CHR with Dr. G

Today's consultation with Dr. G at CHR was possibly the best money we have ever spent in dealings with infertility.  He was very clear, articulate, and on top of that, very confidant.
Here are his conclusions from the consultation--
1.  I am one of the 10% women suffering from "Premature Aging ovaries Syndrome".
2. One of my genetic tests previously done for "fragile eggs" actually revealed a pattern-sequence unrelated to Fragile Eggs, but to Premature Aging Ovaries Syndrome, which was never caught by the other fertility center -- that pattern could have indicated a reason for my poor egg quality 2 years ago at the very beginning of our treatment.  Although the nature of the link as to why it causes the syndrome is not well understood.
3. Fertilized embryos might also be triggering an over-active autoimmune response after the embryo attempt to implant.  (Friendly fire??)
4. My husband's sperm is good, even though they are harvested from TESE. There is no need for donor sperm.
5. We might be having "our" children soon after all.
6. "There is nothing "wrong" with me, I'm just a little different..." (Quote the Dr.)

Here's what I am looking forward of doing--
1. Start DHEA 3xday for 6-8 weeks with monthly monitoring. (Because of the iui, I want to be certain before starting it.)
2. Tests to be done: Hysterosonogram;  pap smear; complete physical; FSH on CD2.. and more, I'm sure.

Here's what I am NOT looking forward of doing--
1. CHR does not accept our insurance, nor it files on our behalf, so we now have to learn the business of filing our own claims with Blue Cross (I see headaches already).
2. We have already bought our flight fare, now we might have to rethink EVERYTHING (Well worth the cause if it really works out of course).

Someone's going to chewing on a piece of fat steak tonight..

Nice touch of the two doctors :)

Trip to CHR

Here I am, at the waiting room of CHR, waiting to see the Dr. Referred by my RE for immunological questions. I'm not very hopeful that the immunological issues are the culprit of my IF, but this is on my bucket list. I'm expecting to be going through the formalities then get loads of testings done...just hope the insurance would cover it:/

Oh, cramp!

Can't remember how many times I've felt this cramp...yak!

3 times the charm??

1.The Norwegian restaurant that we ate pretty much all of our "in-between" meals while waiting for our various IUIs and IVFs is no longer in business...we had been going there for the past 2 years:(
2. I'm the first person in this clinic to have ever done 3 b2b IUIs in a row, should I be happy or sad? (Thanks to the cheap sticks I nearly missed the peak)
3. A casual friend is 4m pregnant-- I see her once a week and never knew, until she mentioned today:"The baby has woken up..!" Her first boy is 2 years old, and she is expecting again.  It's just so funny that we will never know what people are secretly struggling with, won't we?

I try not to feel sensitive on daily basis, but there are SO MANY babies on the streets those days! This whole IF thing is all very very mechanical--something doesn't work for me and it won't happen until it's fixed, I cry, I whine and I'm devastated at times, but we are still figuring ways to beat this thing.

To peak, or not to peak, that is the question.

I peaked today, ehh. The doctor said there was no need to come in again but I don't think I have ovulated yet and if I do tomorrow I won't have any survivors left from the past inseminations... So... Guess I'm going in again for the wild crab shoot.
A note on the new "wondfo" strips from Amazon, had I followed the strips I would have probably be driven crazy by now. Whatever they did with those strips were terrible, I couldn't get a consistent reading at all. Once I took 3 strips and tested them with the same urine at the same time, and got 3 completely different readings I immediately switched to CVS brand strips which were so much more accurate and consistent. I guess Wondfo was doing so well that they no longer care about quality control.;( will NOT be using their strips again.

Am I insane already

I think I might be insane by this point of my life, because I actually am still hopeful to conceive naturally- well, with the help of iui and the donor of course.
Tonight I took a photo from my husband's mother who passed away longtime ago, and prayed for her help. If she can see how happy we are and how much happier we will be with children I'm sure she would have done anything to help us, above and beyond. I know it's silly, but I need to believe in something, anything that can give me the strength to face my very sad self, and the prospect of being childless...

Going in tomorrow

Today is a better day. Going in tomorrow on a quiet Saturday morning for the 10th iui.