5 years together today

Husband and I came together since July 2008.  I'm so thankful for him... I'm so thankful that life gave him to me.

It wasn't easy, I have to admit, there were moments that I thought the world was ending (particularly during AF and ovulation).  But when you meet the right person, the two will compensate and keeping on giving the gift of love and care. ;)

Now that we are more than ready to extend our tree, we are met with tremendous obstacles, we were broken several times by disappointments and the cruel reality.  People who I got to know along this journey are all troopers, so strong and compassionate.  Every cycle we get through together, some will succeed and end their journey, while others continue to try.  My heart breaks when someone I know going though a tough cycle, or encounter unexpected set back, all I can think is how tough that would be and how many more scars it would add to their journey...

Why me..? Why us....? I constantly feel like my heart is being slowly cooked in anticipation...only the anticipation is the best I can get...

I have lived 4 years trying to become a mother, while other people are already having their 2nd and 3 rd editions... Waking up in the morning, going to sleep at night, I have only one thing in mind.

I hate pills, yet I'm taking 10 + pills a day.. Not evening knowing if they'd help anything...:(

Why...?? Just WHY???

Not so new protocol

Em....I got the doctor's email regarding my next cycle. Everything is the same except instead of every other day Gonal-F from day 4, it's everyday Gonal-F until CD 9-10. So same amount of clomid and more Gonal-F.
Days are getting more gorgeous everyday, I've going swimming every morning and goyaing in the afternoon.  It's been great really, even with a deep black hole inside of me all the time, it's hard to think depressingly.

Next cycle

I'm suppose to be getting a "cycle detail sheet" from my Dr at CFC tonight.  The next cycle will be the same protocol, with tweaks to the dosages. I believe the right protocol can really boost our chance, given there are so many obstacles in every cycle, and egg quality being the foremost important one... 

Werid Infertility--Baby crime movie of the month

Husband and I decided to watch a crime thriller last night on Netflix. We randomly ran into this movie by John Cusack and Jannifer Carpenter, both actors I like (and still do). I had no idea this movie turned out to be a infertility related crime story (Spoiler alert!! Stop reading if you want to watch this movie!!!) While the plot was somewhat interesting with a twist, I can't help but noticing Carpenter's character actually gets away with the crime at the end! She plays an infertile detective who is desperate to be a mother...Is this the reason why she gets away with everything at the end? Because she kills others to have their babies and raise them as her own??

My friends have recommended "Maybe baby", I will watch it when I'm ready. I just can't watch another baby film right now...

Meltdown

Yesterday I had a "Meltdown".  I just couldn't take anymore, I had to pour some of the sorrow out through uncontrollable crying.
Am I depressed? Because right now I can't even imagine being pregnant through IVF at all. I cannot see myself ever win this fight.
Husband said if I say this to myself then we might as well quit doing IVF because it's too hard on me mentally.  It's hard, it sneaks up on you and makes you feel pathetic for failing and you can't blame a thing but yourself.  Roller coasters have a stop, IF doesn't.
It hurts so much to see other women with babies or pregnant now days...This can't be healthy..:/

I don't know how everyone does it, many  women suffer longer journeys and even bigger disappointments, how could they possibly handle it? I'm not that strong...

Cycle change

AF came 4 days earlier, a 24 day cycle?? WOW, this has never happened!

A good week

Coming back from Denmark, spending time with our friend who had been house sitting while we were gone is great.  The whole week has been nice, with lots of tennis and lots of laughter and a pool party. The water was freeezing!
The doctor at CFC hasn't responded to my emails at all, it's frustrating to feel like being left at a corner. I will call him again tomorrow to find out if we should do a b2b cycle or not.