The need to grieve and let it go

The most bizarre feeling of losing an early twin is knowing its physical existence inside of me, next to its sibling, but without any trace of life.
 I looked at it directly and I looked so hard, as the doctor probed back and forth attempting to discover signs of heart beat yesterday.  I saw its cloudy sac and its movement-less little body, and I knew it wasn't right--but I wanted to remember it.  It was hard to imagine something begins with heart beat, but at some point it just seized to continue. As much as I tried to justified the nature's needs to make better selection when it comes to reproductive cycles, also knowing many women experience early stage miscarriage, it still sickens me that it actually did happen to our little bean.
We decided to go to NY to see friends instead of me probably staring at the ceiling thinking about it all day yesterday, it was the right thing to do.  I was exhausted when we returned home last night, I went to bed and felt asleep in seconds. When the morning came, suddenly I woke up remembering that one of the little beings, the other sprinkle of our love is no longer with us. A dull sense of denial begin to spread... The new ultra sound picture of our healthy bean was on the table, but I didn't want to look at it as it would remind me too much of our loss.  Looking back at the old ultra sound picture, I now can tell that there were indications of a developmental issues with the fetus, it was bond to happen...
Today I'm feeling emotional, I know there still are gallons of tears waiting to pour out, but the very fact that we are still pregnant with one healthy baby, is already the best therapy.
Our friends said when she also lost an early twin, she and her husband quietly lit a candle to say good bye to the baby. I really appreciate the sentiment, but I don't think we can ever say good bye, at least not until its complete absorption.
I now know when people speak of miscarriage, how they feel both in heart and mind. The need to grieve will dwell a bit, but we'll get through it.