On my way

Our last cycle yielded one beautiful 3AA. But it was an abnormal embryo.....
I'm onto my 11th & my very last cycle, after my June cycle being canceled due to early period arrival....:(
Husband is home with our little buggar, she is so full of life and curiosity. As Dr. Surrey says if all fails we still have one little bean who will always light up our lives.  I hope this won't be our end resort....I  feel so incredibly detached from this process right now. Back when we first started IVF in 2010 I never would imagined  where we would be today.  While I am happy that I can do the cycle alone this time, I feel so sad about leaving my daughter for another two weeks :(....

The journey continues--

As of now we have one 3aa being biopsied for CCS, so onto another round we must plan for the summer-- hopefully sooner than later...

new cycle--#10 here we come

It has been truly a long time since I felt any motivation to whine about life on my blog. There's plenty to be whined about, but that's life. My heart is full when I see our little girl thriving. Sometimes I can hardly believe the power of observation of a 20 months old! She's such a spy!
So I've started priming for another retrieval later in March. Already we have suffered some would-be serious set backs and emotional distress (ugh, why can't they end??). We nearly couldn't all travel together due to bureaucracy, then there is the Nor'easter in Philly. Fingers crossed that our flight doesn't delayed too much, or get canceled completely. ...!
I have a new nurse now. She is hand down AWESOME.
TBD, I guess! Taking off in 3 days!

Hard to believe... 

Big leap

Baby N is 6 months old, in fact she's heading to her 4th pediatric appointment on Wednesday. I am doing alright, having had a few very emotional and feeling-down days possibly caused by returning of aunt-flo (finger crossed).

We are moving. The move is stressful as everything needs to be in place when we get there so baby can transition smoothly, plus the cat and the dog need to fly as well. There goes the zoo again!

Baby N is showing so much personalities these days that scares me what she would be like when we return, or will we?

The would be child

My lost twin would have been 3 months old yesterday.  I think about him/her all the time, and how we parted the short ways. It just left his/her sister, or faded to ensure her growth. Whatever the reason was, someday baby N will know that she wasn't alone at conception.

My sweet sweet pie, mommy misses you.

Check list

So we are heading to Denver at the end of the month to complete the last round of PESA for S. His lab looked fine according to the urologist accords the street from ccrm, so here we go again.....

However, this would be the first family fly together:) I'm both nervous and excited about this important trip, hopefully we are one more step closer to completing the TREE!

Finally, our amazing little sleeping champ has been doing 9pm-7am straight this week at 2.5 month!! Still I'm so paranoid that I have to check on her anyway;)

The hamster wheel

It's that time again.....yes, S just had his lab done for CCRM for a PESA.  Once again we find ourselves at point zero, not knowing what to expect.  The sperm sample which resulted in baby N was from  a PESA  performed in 2009. Unfortunatly the same doctor who did the procedure (who had twins himself due to infertility)retired and referred us to a much younger doctor. S did not like the younger doctor opening up the consultation with a suggestion to an "experimental Micro procedure" (that would cost 9000 dollars out of pocket). We decided to see if we could do a PESA with CCRM's urologist instead then return next fall for a ODWU.  At this point we are only planning ahead, but I would sleep better knowing science might give us another chance at completing our family....but who knows what's coming to us next? We should hear back from Colorado about S's lab soon....I'm too tired to hold my breath though!

Baby N is thriving, I love her creamy cheeks and dark almond eyes, her cooing along and her big, sensational gummies!

2 months old!(almost)

The truth is, I'm exhausted, but when I hear my sweet, bouncy little baby laugh or cry my heart soars and my boobs have a major let down, it's that magical.

Baby N is 2 months old next week, wow. I just had my 6 week OB follow up, everything is normal and my OB has officially lifted all postpartum restrictions. 

Breast feeding has been great since my milk dropped, in fact I think I'm over producing....oh well I can always donate the extra bags. 

Today I called CCRM to see about the sperm analysis that S and I need to do before cycling again. Yes, CYCLING AGAIN....I can't believe we are willing to do this, AGAIN. In fact I had a full break down the other day, I will spare the details....My nurse must had my charts because she asked when and how much the baby weight at birth.  She said we need to wait for 2 regular periods after stopping breast feeding to do the ODWU, and she will speak to dr.s about taking one of our 3 vials of frozen TESE sperm to see if they are up to the task, otherwise we will have to do another sperm retrieval....S is not looking forward to it, needless to say.  The Idea of going through the major roller coaster again doesn't sound appetizing to anyone, even my friend who begged not to be put though this again, haha (bitter sweet smile).  

My abdominal wound is healing well though still numb, it doesn't hurt anymore when I'm walking or sneezing.

I'm sure baby N would love to be a big sister! Now off to bed....

One month old!

Baby N is one month old on Monday.  We now jokingly call her the "two billion baby" because after we banked her cord blood, the banking center told us that while they have a threshhold of 100 million cord blood cell count, little N's count came out of a whooping 2 billion.  We don't know if this has anything to do with her vanishing twin, but it doesn't sound like a bad thing!

Joyous one month! She continues to kicks our asses with high demand of affection and a fuller than stellar vocal range.  I'm learning so much from the doulas who come in in different hours to help us with baby and house works, thank god to them!

Concerns... .....my mom.  My mom is still adjusting to the new tag that became of her overnight-- The Grandmother.  She has been very willing to help, however her good intention often seems to turn into more ciaos.:(
 In the first couple of days after I was discharged, the home was very disoriented-- S and I and even the dog had to figure out how things operate now that a wiggly baby was added to the editions.  With the 24/7 doulas coming in and out and me trying to recover from the surgery, while managing breast feeding, my mom would show up with bags of food and starts cooking and expects everyone drops whatever they were doing to eat lunch.  I realized that we have never been able to converse about "a plan", that has been an issue between my mom and I for decades. Without good communication,  we are always doing things that's has each other's best interest in mind but somehow cockeyed under execution. The truth is I very much like my mom to come and hold her granddaughter, NOT  because she is on her way to somewhere or returning from somewhere.  But she doesn't seem to be able to just come(except the first week), it has to be a residual part of some trip, so if we are not in her passing range, we would have to wait for her next passing.  Also having raised me without any noted problems, she doesn't take infant safety warnings to heart, and it horrors me--no matter how much I speak to her about not leaving the baby covered in the crib without monitor, I still find baby covered in the crib without the monitor on when she visits. If I talk to her about it then she dismisses it for being overly exaggerated.  Sure, only a few infants die from suffocation, and our baby might be active and healthy (moreover, lucky enough) to never encounter such tragedy, but I'm not willing to take any chance while she is still a baby, I can't bare the thought of making any fatal mistake based on a moment of convenience, and I'm not willing to let my mom soften that determination.

However I can safely say that baby is gaining a lot of weight these days, she is the boss of us (except the cat) and she loves bathing (3 baths so far and no crying!)

 

Induction-delivery- breast feeding and the first week, a newbie mom's journey to average perfection.

I started this post about a week ago but just can't seem to sit down and finish it. Baby N is 15 days old already! My hearts melts with every cry and noise she makes (and she isn't shy at making them!) Oh those lungs!
I want to summarize our first two weeks of motherhood/postpartum life, its challenges, things unbeknown to this very new mommy, and moments of joy.

Challenge #1. BREAST FEEDING (colorsrum-->real milk)

From the moment baby was born, this was the single most painful experience to me. I actually asked the doctor if anyone has lost their nipples to their baby's strong latch...of course she thought I was joking, but I was deadly serious.
After the first day of attempted breast feeding, the bottom part of my nipples actually became torn a little bit, not because baby was only sucking on the nipple but because she would take in part of the breast but starts to suck so hard. It was so so so painful with each feed that I thought for sure they were going to fall off at some point.  Part of the issue was baby was given a nipple shaped pacifier right after birth, she took it instinctively and must have been unable to distinguish between man-made nipple and human nipples. Also baby nursed harder when the amount of colorstrum was very small in the beginning.  During the hospital stay I met with a great lactation coach, whom gave me great tips.  Meanwhile I transitioned from boob-shy/pump-shy to being able to nurse in front of medical staffs and families members/friends. My nipples indeed became "tougher" after the 1st week. The raw areas healed quickly and never opened again. I did use NUK brand cream to help the healing, but once they healed I didn't have to use it again.
 The second factor which complicated the breast feeding is the C section, my colorstrum came in fine (assumingly) after the surgery, but the milk was a few days late, and it didn't help with people coming in hurling more stressful stuff at you regarding the milking dropping. One hospital staff actually warned me that if my milk didn't come in by the exact 5th day post C section, something was wrong and I would have to supplement.  At the same time my baby's weight dropped from 9.6lb to 8.3Ib, a 13% drop that alarmed the doctors, all to make everything so much harder to digest. I was trying to care for my baby, nurse her against the pain from the abdominal wound and torn boobs (which I can take even if it's a hundred time worse), but seeing my baby's chubby cheeks continue to flourish  everyday absolutely killed me.  There was a moment I felt so hopefulness and defeated that I started to cry with my crying baby. I couldn't move fast enough, or making sure my baby isn't starving, I felt so clueless and so amateurish as a new mom.

I would like to make a mental note to myself if we get to be so lucky to do this again, that is--START PUMPING RIGHT AWAY postpartum regardless!!! I didn't start pumping until the 3rd day post C section--at a suggestion by a friendly nurse. At first nothing came out, but by the 2nd day a little bit of colorstrum came out so I knew the baby was getting something, even if it wasn't enough, it made me feel better that she is not starving by sucking on empty sacks...the pumping was to both stimulate the breasts, as well as collecting anything being produced in the breasts.  The transition from colorstrum to breast milk took several days--from the time I was discharged on Friday (baby born on Monday), the real milk didn't fully transition from yellow to white until the following Monday or Tuesday, with breast feeding and pumping all the time.  Once it did, the breast feeding became so much better/ easier, it still hurts but absolutely manageable. Baby is now getting enough milk during each feed that she is able to sleep through the night with 1 or 2 feedings.

 So it does get better...:)

I'm still pinching myself....Home finally!

This is our little sweet pea....baby N is finally home.

My induction led to an eventual C section and a few tears in the cervix and uterus in the operating room that seemed like ages ago.

Baby N was born on July20th at 940pm, weight 9.6 lbs and 20.5inches long, she did not arrive quietly.

The recovery process has been rough-wound healing on top of lack of sleep aren't exactly the best combination when it comes to caring for newborns. Baby's weight dropped from 9.6lb to 8.5lb in 5 days:/  Things got easier when we came home and started having doulas visiting and helping. For the first time baby N seems to be well fed after I had struggled with breast feeding for days in the hospital. Tomorrow we are going to see baby's new pediatrician, hopefully her weight has started to bounce back...

Mucus plug

After a rough night last night with constant "need" to go pee and persistent cramping, this morning I finally lost the mucus plug. I should be exhausted but actually it's not too bad as we are going to pack up the hospital bag and do a thorough clean at the house today!

Things are progressing slowly but nicely:)

Sunday!

"--you're so DUE..!" says my OB yesterday.  Since everything on the fetal non-stress test came back super positive, she has decided that baby has officially over stayed her welcome in my belly, so we are going to surrender to the maternity wing at exactly 9pm this Sunday.  3 more days before a whole new chapter of our life with the little monkey we have been expecting wayyyyyy too long!

Today is the day! Or not?

Today is my due day!!!!!!!

However no baby movement has been felt!!  

Guess my OB's right--"5 more days!" She says....

We'll have to wait and see......☺️

Complete nursery pic:)

Working hard on completing the little paradise for baby N...all curtains are hung and furniture are in...phew....

Going through a very emotional time waiting for the little peanut to arrive...my mom posted a video on my FB wall, a really cute video of a young mom caring for her twin boys that I have watched already. But it's the words that got me...my mom wrote something like "thank god baby N's coming alone" in reaction to the video..I can't believe knowing what I went through with the loss of our twin she would write something like that, as if I should be happy and relieved about it.  Clearly I have not gotten over it. And I know I have not gotten over it, even though it was all for the best....

I hid the video from my timeline so my mom won't be offended. Still I wish she would communicate with me, rather than putting things on FB...

Nursery Pics

Weekely OB appointment

WE are home now. PHEW.What a trip.
Monday I met with my amazing OB for my first weekly monitoring. She did cervix check and swapping for infections, and she assured us that baby N's little head is definitely low.  So far I have not dilated, but the cervix has started to shorten, the wait will continue for at least another 2 weeks.
The nursery is not quite completed yet as we are still waiting for all the furniture, but I'd love to share some cool pics soon...it seems like to have taken forever since we started the nursery room work.....

Update on the spotting

There has been no more spotting following the last episode.  I made sure that my horizontalness remained loyal to the bed, and made S do ALL the walking around (except peeing,etc). Seems like baby N's goofing around irritated my cervix somehow. After all, it wasn't even a complete drop of blood, just some pink smudge, which was enough to cause panic...

It's been a long road for us since 2009, 6 years have passed since we tumbled onto this path, and we are finally getting to the point where the light at the end of the tunnel(the first tunnel) is close enough that we could feel its warmth. 

Spotting...????

Last night I saw some pinkish spotting and it was freaking me out. Not because I'm afraid of preterm but because we are not due to return home for another 2 weeks. The last thing I want is to be stuck here and give birth...:/ the pinkish spotting didn't progress into anything darker or accompanied with cramp, there was no bleeding or contraction, so I went to bed and stayed in bed the next day.

Baby N has been very active these days, I suspect her feet are close to the cervix, it hurts when she does her dance, maybe that contributed to some irritation in the cervix..just hoping I get through the next two weeks and we return home safely!!!!!!