An encore to June

My last cycle was abruptly cut short (in June) because out the 2 eggs, none developed normally.  As I looked back into my past infertility history, here's an interesting pattern-- If I had 8 eggs retrieved, 4 normally fertilize and two (at most) will make it to transfer, if I had 4 eggs retrieved, 2 will fertilize and one will make it to transfer. This 50%+50% cut off rate is probably the reason why my previous cycle (retrieved 2 eggs) ended up with none to transfer (it would have been a 0.5 egg according to the cut off rate). This cycle at 4 eggs, which echoes my last cycle at CWRC, the only differences being I was on a maximum dosage of a mixture of Gonal F and Menopure (and something else..?) , nonetheless the result were the same, 4 eggs. Now I'm expecting at least 1 embryo will make it back to my uterus tomorrow.  If all goes well according to my pattern, we shall leave Denmark with one little hope in me.

Eh, friends...

Dear Friends on Facebook,
      your baby pictures are killing me...but I'm so happy that you are now complete, and even though I don't know if your pregnancy was as difficult as mine (yet), you deserve nothing less.  It has become difficult though, to log on and see those wonderful pictures of babies or ultra sound of jumping heart beats, my heart aches so much..! So I've decided to not come on for a while until I'm ready.
Sincerely,
     SI

CD 9/ GONAL-F DAY 8/ Orgalutran D1

So I'm responding ok to the increased dosage, total of 4 bigger ones and 3 or 4 smaller ones.  I'm to start Orgalutran today to suppress ovulation.
Denmark is very pleasant outdoors right now.  Danish women are beautiful and they are either-- 1. biking 2. pregnant 3. pushing a baby stroller
(The whole "life is fulfilled and therefore beautiful" scene is killing me!)
But I am feeling hopeful, more than my previous cycle.  I had thought a lot in between this cycle, about my past cycles and our struggle blah blah blah...i realized the only chance it will happen and make us whole is if we keep trying until it happens. I must remain strong for myself and my eggs, that is the only way they could survive the lab and other factors.  I have to believe that there is NOTHING WRONG with me, and once we catch a good batch of eggs we will be blessed by nature, until then, it will continue to reject our hard work..

CD 7 GONAL-F DAY6

Scan shows 5 follicles total (10-11'') today, although we believe they didn't include the smaller follicles.  They've up-ed my Gonal-F from 150iu to 225iu because they "didn't expect such slow grow on the follicles"...really? I've been feeling such cramp and discomfort these days!
Of course I was a bit freaked out because my Gonal-F pen also had about 125iu left over after it was supposed be all used up. I started to believe maybe it had malfunctioned somehow and shorted my daily dosage, which could then explain my "slow growth".  So I added about 125iu or whatever the left over was in the cartridge to my shot yesterday.   But then I read that every 900iu Gonal-F has about 125iu "prime" extra, in case someone wants to "prime" the shots.  Well, it's still less than my 450iu days so I'm in peace.
Going back on Sat for another scan, the nurse said ET might be on Wednesday next week. Can't believe we are at it again..!

Off soon

Yesterday was my 4th day on150 Gonal-F, now I'm getting obsessive about the dosage vs. eggs.  I know the chance of me getting a surprising amount of eggs basically non-existent, and OHSS is not even remotely a concern even by my doctor because my system is kind of stingy that way.  However, I would like to be shocked (just once maybe?) like some other ladies who didn't respond well on high dosage but "exploded" with smaller dose of stim, I'd very much like that...

We are off tomorrow, flying straight to Copenhagen (got a direct train to the airport  thank god) then heading right off to the clinic from the airport for scans etc. AS of right now I have some discomfort in my lower abandonment and I'm bloated.

This is our last attempt at CFC, whatever happens after this, I'm not going back to it.

Baby dreams

I can always feel the significant change of my general mood after being on stims, I also hate those baby dreams, especially the vivid ones.

My sister in law has just passed.  It took2 years for her and the family to accept that she was going eventually die.  It was a long, exhausting two years where there were glimpse of hope that were crushed by reality.  We were not close (that's another story which takes a lot of therapy and time to tell), but I made sure she knew that she was always in our thoughts, and if she needed anything, we were here for her. 

I would without doubt choose her life if I can have the joy of starting a family, as she had two children and a wonderful time raising them. She was surrounded by her husband, children and grandchildren at her final moment, she was gone peacefully and content.
When I die, who would be by my side?
Life hasn't gotten anymore depressing, it's me, I've become this eternally pessimistic person.

Tickets booked for our last Denmark IVF

Heading out next Thursday.  I haven't been as obsessed as I was before, looking at all the boards and posts, I want to keep my heart and mind somewhat dormant, until the moment comes.  I've been reading a lots of the encouraging stories though, people who under gone multiple IVFs with ultimate success. These things keep me hopeful, they give me the courage to continue this tormenting road.
The nurse have said that I will be under local anesthesia with morphine. Husband assures me that it will take care of all the pain because that is what they give to patients with terminal illness who suffer extreme pain.  Once I'm on that table, my only mind is to have all of my eggs out and hopefully get them back, the pain, the terror, they are nothing if I can become a mommie.