Aching

We arrived at our destination, it did take a few days to manage ourselves out of the completely dissary though.

Baby N is active, she actually got some sun yesterday. :)

Now back to my title for this post. You know when you are trying to survive infertility you desperately read every single blog to find courage or simply hope. I came accoss many, when I say "many" I mean it.  But I didn't start my own until I found Aubrey's blog, that subsequently led to the creation of the CCRM FB group.

I was following this particular blog on and off for a few years, sharing her beautiful writing and words of wisdom. (She has a way of depicting visuality with sheer words which is quite incredible for lazy writers like me..) She was finally pregnant after FET, I was so very happy for them as I had been cheering and hoping for her success. Today I found out that they loss their child. My heart just sank, I'm so sad because I know what that black hole feels like and what it does to living beings.

5+years of struggling with infertility and we are finally able to conceive this baby, yet at 7 month we still don't have any baby cloths, toys or anything. Maybe something in the back of my head is still feeling pessimistic-- I cannot, cannot imagine loosing her, after loosing our twin.  

...took a walk where I had a breakdown two years ago, right after the Denamrk cycles--It was so hard after failing 2 mini ivfs, the new thing that supposed to have worked for me.. not even a single transfer??  I thought I was strong but I was just...in denial. Those dark times...

Be strong, my blog sister. I know this whole sticking ordeal is insufferable and unfair, and I know you both are going through stages of grief. I'm grieving with you.

Passed my 1hr glucose!

First glucose came back at 109, which I don't know if that's high or low, but I passed!

At the airport now ready to kick off our last "vacation" as non-parents!!:)

26 weeks!

There has been no notable update; although S and I are heading out in a few weeks, so right at the moments everything is a frenzy. Baby N is really active: she wakes up in the morning, back for a nap, briefly gets back on her kicking trail in the afternoon, then in the evening she has her dancing class. Hopefully I'm learning as much of her as she is of us..another 13 weeks!

2ND OB APPOINTMENT and that Maternity21 test...what? 2nd phase??

I "felt through the crack" at my OB's office for doing the Mmaternity21 test....:(((( turns out the office "forgot" to call me in for the 2nd "confirmation test" after drawing blood in my 1st appointment, now we have completely missed the window. Needless to say, we were and still are pissed. My OB nicely assured us that the 2nd test looks for an extremely rare spinal disorder and he does not think we needed to sweat on this. We are still pissed. Anyway.. S and I are off loose for a little over a month next month (last chance to travel "alone"), I'll have my Glucose test before we leave, and have a few scans done at our destination. This should be fun. My official 2nd OB appointment confirmed everything is on track, since baby N has been kicking me so fiercely, we assume she agrees, too. S is taking ""Proxeed" in order to up sperm quality, he'll undergo (hopefully last) PESA to prepare for our next try for a biological child. The quest is still ON..........

20 week scan;)

All is well with baby N at her 20 week scan, we are so relieved, again. The nurse must have measured every sigle bone is her little active body, including counting the fingers (there are a total of 20 with her feet included!) So far we are told baby N is on track and perfect in every way:)

Need to vent..

Time is going by fast these days, next week I'll be 20weeks ad ready for the anatomy scan. Baby N has been kicking quite strongly so I'm not as concerned about it, but there is always that voice behind the head whispering "what ifs"...anyway I digress...
I need to vent...and it's not about the baby, on that end I'm forever sooooo grateful that we got here, through many many tries...

S and has one and only brother, but they have never been really close (like grab a beer let's go fishing or double dating type).  They never had any fall out, they just had separate lives and lived in distance.  Two years ago S' sister in law passed away, she had been going through treatments, however S wasn't told until she was already in terminal stage, if it wasn't for his nephew who told us.. I knew despite the lack of contacts, S truly cares about his brother, should they need his support.  I encouraged him to reach out to his brother and let him know that he's there for them. S did, and it was really nice to see the two brothers talking.  Today his brother called, which was fairly surprising since we hadn't heard from him since last year. After the phone call S seemed slightly bummed.  I asked what's the matter and how is his brother doing, he said his brother is getting married in May, but S wasn't "invited" (or not-invited, for that metter).  They talked about his brother's wedding plan, and that was it.
So his brother did not invite his own brother to his wedding. It shouldn't be a big deal, right? But I feel so bad for S because I know he feels disappointed and rejected, especially after he broke out of his hard shell to make an effort with his only brother. I think sometimes blood relative take relationships and communications for granted:( Here I'm constantly wishing that I had a sibling..how ironic. 

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So, things are going well.  I'm still feeling anxious but the kicks started a few weeks ago, I can feel the tugging getting stronger by the week:) I think the little peanut is taking a tour around a bit.
S's colleague has been asking about how we are doing, back when we first encountered the twin loss, he said he and his wife lost their son a 6 month gestation, so he knew what we were going through... UM.....that got me really worried for a good while. The thing is, I understand where he was coming from, but that is just NOT the thing to say to a pregnant woman, especially one who just had a twin loss.
On another note, I've finally forced myself (and S) to go through the 4 big boxes of IVF related stuff--I can't believe how much we've invested in making a single baby! I've never recorded how many tubes of gels, bottle of pills or how many needles we've plowed through since 2010, but there would have been twice more stuf if we hadn't moved from NY back to PA...ugh.