The would be child

My lost twin would have been 3 months old yesterday.  I think about him/her all the time, and how we parted the short ways. It just left his/her sister, or faded to ensure her growth. Whatever the reason was, someday baby N will know that she wasn't alone at conception.

My sweet sweet pie, mommy misses you.

Check list

So we are heading to Denver at the end of the month to complete the last round of PESA for S. His lab looked fine according to the urologist accords the street from ccrm, so here we go again.....

However, this would be the first family fly together:) I'm both nervous and excited about this important trip, hopefully we are one more step closer to completing the TREE!

Finally, our amazing little sleeping champ has been doing 9pm-7am straight this week at 2.5 month!! Still I'm so paranoid that I have to check on her anyway;)

The hamster wheel

It's that time again.....yes, S just had his lab done for CCRM for a PESA.  Once again we find ourselves at point zero, not knowing what to expect.  The sperm sample which resulted in baby N was from  a PESA  performed in 2009. Unfortunatly the same doctor who did the procedure (who had twins himself due to infertility)retired and referred us to a much younger doctor. S did not like the younger doctor opening up the consultation with a suggestion to an "experimental Micro procedure" (that would cost 9000 dollars out of pocket). We decided to see if we could do a PESA with CCRM's urologist instead then return next fall for a ODWU.  At this point we are only planning ahead, but I would sleep better knowing science might give us another chance at completing our family....but who knows what's coming to us next? We should hear back from Colorado about S's lab soon....I'm too tired to hold my breath though!

Baby N is thriving, I love her creamy cheeks and dark almond eyes, her cooing along and her big, sensational gummies!

2 months old!(almost)

The truth is, I'm exhausted, but when I hear my sweet, bouncy little baby laugh or cry my heart soars and my boobs have a major let down, it's that magical.

Baby N is 2 months old next week, wow. I just had my 6 week OB follow up, everything is normal and my OB has officially lifted all postpartum restrictions. 

Breast feeding has been great since my milk dropped, in fact I think I'm over producing....oh well I can always donate the extra bags. 

Today I called CCRM to see about the sperm analysis that S and I need to do before cycling again. Yes, CYCLING AGAIN....I can't believe we are willing to do this, AGAIN. In fact I had a full break down the other day, I will spare the details....My nurse must had my charts because she asked when and how much the baby weight at birth.  She said we need to wait for 2 regular periods after stopping breast feeding to do the ODWU, and she will speak to dr.s about taking one of our 3 vials of frozen TESE sperm to see if they are up to the task, otherwise we will have to do another sperm retrieval....S is not looking forward to it, needless to say.  The Idea of going through the major roller coaster again doesn't sound appetizing to anyone, even my friend who begged not to be put though this again, haha (bitter sweet smile).  

My abdominal wound is healing well though still numb, it doesn't hurt anymore when I'm walking or sneezing.

I'm sure baby N would love to be a big sister! Now off to bed....

One month old!

Baby N is one month old on Monday.  We now jokingly call her the "two billion baby" because after we banked her cord blood, the banking center told us that while they have a threshhold of 100 million cord blood cell count, little N's count came out of a whooping 2 billion.  We don't know if this has anything to do with her vanishing twin, but it doesn't sound like a bad thing!

Joyous one month! She continues to kicks our asses with high demand of affection and a fuller than stellar vocal range.  I'm learning so much from the doulas who come in in different hours to help us with baby and house works, thank god to them!

Concerns... .....my mom.  My mom is still adjusting to the new tag that became of her overnight-- The Grandmother.  She has been very willing to help, however her good intention often seems to turn into more ciaos.:(
 In the first couple of days after I was discharged, the home was very disoriented-- S and I and even the dog had to figure out how things operate now that a wiggly baby was added to the editions.  With the 24/7 doulas coming in and out and me trying to recover from the surgery, while managing breast feeding, my mom would show up with bags of food and starts cooking and expects everyone drops whatever they were doing to eat lunch.  I realized that we have never been able to converse about "a plan", that has been an issue between my mom and I for decades. Without good communication,  we are always doing things that's has each other's best interest in mind but somehow cockeyed under execution. The truth is I very much like my mom to come and hold her granddaughter, NOT  because she is on her way to somewhere or returning from somewhere.  But she doesn't seem to be able to just come(except the first week), it has to be a residual part of some trip, so if we are not in her passing range, we would have to wait for her next passing.  Also having raised me without any noted problems, she doesn't take infant safety warnings to heart, and it horrors me--no matter how much I speak to her about not leaving the baby covered in the crib without monitor, I still find baby covered in the crib without the monitor on when she visits. If I talk to her about it then she dismisses it for being overly exaggerated.  Sure, only a few infants die from suffocation, and our baby might be active and healthy (moreover, lucky enough) to never encounter such tragedy, but I'm not willing to take any chance while she is still a baby, I can't bare the thought of making any fatal mistake based on a moment of convenience, and I'm not willing to let my mom soften that determination.

However I can safely say that baby is gaining a lot of weight these days, she is the boss of us (except the cat) and she loves bathing (3 baths so far and no crying!)

 

Induction-delivery- breast feeding and the first week, a newbie mom's journey to average perfection.

I started this post about a week ago but just can't seem to sit down and finish it. Baby N is 15 days old already! My hearts melts with every cry and noise she makes (and she isn't shy at making them!) Oh those lungs!
I want to summarize our first two weeks of motherhood/postpartum life, its challenges, things unbeknown to this very new mommy, and moments of joy.

Challenge #1. BREAST FEEDING (colorsrum-->real milk)

From the moment baby was born, this was the single most painful experience to me. I actually asked the doctor if anyone has lost their nipples to their baby's strong latch...of course she thought I was joking, but I was deadly serious.
After the first day of attempted breast feeding, the bottom part of my nipples actually became torn a little bit, not because baby was only sucking on the nipple but because she would take in part of the breast but starts to suck so hard. It was so so so painful with each feed that I thought for sure they were going to fall off at some point.  Part of the issue was baby was given a nipple shaped pacifier right after birth, she took it instinctively and must have been unable to distinguish between man-made nipple and human nipples. Also baby nursed harder when the amount of colorstrum was very small in the beginning.  During the hospital stay I met with a great lactation coach, whom gave me great tips.  Meanwhile I transitioned from boob-shy/pump-shy to being able to nurse in front of medical staffs and families members/friends. My nipples indeed became "tougher" after the 1st week. The raw areas healed quickly and never opened again. I did use NUK brand cream to help the healing, but once they healed I didn't have to use it again.
 The second factor which complicated the breast feeding is the C section, my colorstrum came in fine (assumingly) after the surgery, but the milk was a few days late, and it didn't help with people coming in hurling more stressful stuff at you regarding the milking dropping. One hospital staff actually warned me that if my milk didn't come in by the exact 5th day post C section, something was wrong and I would have to supplement.  At the same time my baby's weight dropped from 9.6lb to 8.3Ib, a 13% drop that alarmed the doctors, all to make everything so much harder to digest. I was trying to care for my baby, nurse her against the pain from the abdominal wound and torn boobs (which I can take even if it's a hundred time worse), but seeing my baby's chubby cheeks continue to flourish  everyday absolutely killed me.  There was a moment I felt so hopefulness and defeated that I started to cry with my crying baby. I couldn't move fast enough, or making sure my baby isn't starving, I felt so clueless and so amateurish as a new mom.

I would like to make a mental note to myself if we get to be so lucky to do this again, that is--START PUMPING RIGHT AWAY postpartum regardless!!! I didn't start pumping until the 3rd day post C section--at a suggestion by a friendly nurse. At first nothing came out, but by the 2nd day a little bit of colorstrum came out so I knew the baby was getting something, even if it wasn't enough, it made me feel better that she is not starving by sucking on empty sacks...the pumping was to both stimulate the breasts, as well as collecting anything being produced in the breasts.  The transition from colorstrum to breast milk took several days--from the time I was discharged on Friday (baby born on Monday), the real milk didn't fully transition from yellow to white until the following Monday or Tuesday, with breast feeding and pumping all the time.  Once it did, the breast feeding became so much better/ easier, it still hurts but absolutely manageable. Baby is now getting enough milk during each feed that she is able to sleep through the night with 1 or 2 feedings.

 So it does get better...:)

I'm still pinching myself....Home finally!

This is our little sweet pea....baby N is finally home.

My induction led to an eventual C section and a few tears in the cervix and uterus in the operating room that seemed like ages ago.

Baby N was born on July20th at 940pm, weight 9.6 lbs and 20.5inches long, she did not arrive quietly.

The recovery process has been rough-wound healing on top of lack of sleep aren't exactly the best combination when it comes to caring for newborns. Baby's weight dropped from 9.6lb to 8.5lb in 5 days:/  Things got easier when we came home and started having doulas visiting and helping. For the first time baby N seems to be well fed after I had struggled with breast feeding for days in the hospital. Tomorrow we are going to see baby's new pediatrician, hopefully her weight has started to bounce back...

Mucus plug

After a rough night last night with constant "need" to go pee and persistent cramping, this morning I finally lost the mucus plug. I should be exhausted but actually it's not too bad as we are going to pack up the hospital bag and do a thorough clean at the house today!

Things are progressing slowly but nicely:)

Sunday!

"--you're so DUE..!" says my OB yesterday.  Since everything on the fetal non-stress test came back super positive, she has decided that baby has officially over stayed her welcome in my belly, so we are going to surrender to the maternity wing at exactly 9pm this Sunday.  3 more days before a whole new chapter of our life with the little monkey we have been expecting wayyyyyy too long!

Today is the day! Or not?

Today is my due day!!!!!!!

However no baby movement has been felt!!  

Guess my OB's right--"5 more days!" She says....

We'll have to wait and see......☺️

Complete nursery pic:)

Working hard on completing the little paradise for baby N...all curtains are hung and furniture are in...phew....

Going through a very emotional time waiting for the little peanut to arrive...my mom posted a video on my FB wall, a really cute video of a young mom caring for her twin boys that I have watched already. But it's the words that got me...my mom wrote something like "thank god baby N's coming alone" in reaction to the video..I can't believe knowing what I went through with the loss of our twin she would write something like that, as if I should be happy and relieved about it.  Clearly I have not gotten over it. And I know I have not gotten over it, even though it was all for the best....

I hid the video from my timeline so my mom won't be offended. Still I wish she would communicate with me, rather than putting things on FB...

Nursery Pics

Weekely OB appointment

WE are home now. PHEW.What a trip.
Monday I met with my amazing OB for my first weekly monitoring. She did cervix check and swapping for infections, and she assured us that baby N's little head is definitely low.  So far I have not dilated, but the cervix has started to shorten, the wait will continue for at least another 2 weeks.
The nursery is not quite completed yet as we are still waiting for all the furniture, but I'd love to share some cool pics soon...it seems like to have taken forever since we started the nursery room work.....

Update on the spotting

There has been no more spotting following the last episode.  I made sure that my horizontalness remained loyal to the bed, and made S do ALL the walking around (except peeing,etc). Seems like baby N's goofing around irritated my cervix somehow. After all, it wasn't even a complete drop of blood, just some pink smudge, which was enough to cause panic...

It's been a long road for us since 2009, 6 years have passed since we tumbled onto this path, and we are finally getting to the point where the light at the end of the tunnel(the first tunnel) is close enough that we could feel its warmth. 

Spotting...????

Last night I saw some pinkish spotting and it was freaking me out. Not because I'm afraid of preterm but because we are not due to return home for another 2 weeks. The last thing I want is to be stuck here and give birth...:/ the pinkish spotting didn't progress into anything darker or accompanied with cramp, there was no bleeding or contraction, so I went to bed and stayed in bed the next day.

Baby N has been very active these days, I suspect her feet are close to the cervix, it hurts when she does her dance, maybe that contributed to some irritation in the cervix..just hoping I get through the next two weeks and we return home safely!!!!!!

Fallen bird

After days of depressing rainy days and nagging humidity, we finally were able to welcome one gorgeous, dry and sunny day. S and I sat on the porch to enjoy a nice little lunch, while enjoy some much needed sun. Somewhere in the glaring light I noticed something wiggling by the gutter pipes and the ground. It looked like a field mouse at first, but when I walked over I realized it was a tiny pink wiggly baby bird with two big shut eyes and one gigantic mouth opening for food. It must have fallen from the nest under the roof flashing. It's kind of tucked between the roof and the flashing so it's nearly impossible to stuff anything in there.  I observed its parents flying back and fourth to feed by going through a small gap. We first place the baby bird in a small box and stuffed back to near it nest, but when its parents came back they paid no attention to the box, despite the bird's crying plea for food. After a while we decided to give it a last try by putting it back under the roof, hopefully as close to the nest as possible..there was nothing else we could do but hope it survives.  It was an eye warming moment to see how gentle S was with this weak and helpless little life, he was so hopeful for it. This reminded me greatly of our lost baby, and the many embryos we had hopes for in the previous cycles... once it's in the nest, you are physically incapacitated but to be hopeful that there the emotional strength attached to your little baby would make a difference against the odds... A few hours later I came back to check on it, praying that the little guy wiggled back to its nest and rekindled with its parents...but it was lying there again, no longer wiggling...we buried it and went on our way. It was very hard for me to not to get emotionally involved with things like this. Sure I move on but inside I wish there was something we could have done for that little fella so it could grow and see the sky. But nature is cruel in our eyes... Its parents only cared for the babies inside of the nest, this would be unimaginable in the human world, yet nature and its perpetual cycle of selection on the strongest and the most wise never failed itself.
I think about our loss, our friend's loss and losses I come across from the group, it's so hard to live through it.

Herbed out!!

Yesterday I literally fainted.  Still not sure what happened, but I did drink 2 different types of herbs-- artichoke water, rose hip water and finally, a cup of coffee. After the breakfast I started getting a bit dizzy in the head, then my ears started riging(I'm a light drinker and this very much resembled to me being drunk over half glass of wine), so I knew that I  needed to lie down immediately. (S said I got super pale) After I got up and stumbled to the bed and stayed horizontal for a good 20 minutes I felt better. Something must not have agreed with something, maybe dry & boiled rose hips don't agree with boiled Artichoke water? Another herbal mystery.

Aching

We arrived at our destination, it did take a few days to manage ourselves out of the completely dissary though.

Baby N is active, she actually got some sun yesterday. :)

Now back to my title for this post. You know when you are trying to survive infertility you desperately read every single blog to find courage or simply hope. I came accoss many, when I say "many" I mean it.  But I didn't start my own until I found Aubrey's blog, that subsequently led to the creation of the CCRM FB group.

I was following this particular blog on and off for a few years, sharing her beautiful writing and words of wisdom. (She has a way of depicting visuality with sheer words which is quite incredible for lazy writers like me..) She was finally pregnant after FET, I was so very happy for them as I had been cheering and hoping for her success. Today I found out that they loss their child. My heart just sank, I'm so sad because I know what that black hole feels like and what it does to living beings.

5+years of struggling with infertility and we are finally able to conceive this baby, yet at 7 month we still don't have any baby cloths, toys or anything. Maybe something in the back of my head is still feeling pessimistic-- I cannot, cannot imagine loosing her, after loosing our twin.  

...took a walk where I had a breakdown two years ago, right after the Denamrk cycles--It was so hard after failing 2 mini ivfs, the new thing that supposed to have worked for me.. not even a single transfer??  I thought I was strong but I was just...in denial. Those dark times...

Be strong, my blog sister. I know this whole sticking ordeal is insufferable and unfair, and I know you both are going through stages of grief. I'm grieving with you.

Passed my 1hr glucose!

First glucose came back at 109, which I don't know if that's high or low, but I passed!

At the airport now ready to kick off our last "vacation" as non-parents!!:)

26 weeks!

There has been no notable update; although S and I are heading out in a few weeks, so right at the moments everything is a frenzy. Baby N is really active: she wakes up in the morning, back for a nap, briefly gets back on her kicking trail in the afternoon, then in the evening she has her dancing class. Hopefully I'm learning as much of her as she is of us..another 13 weeks!

2ND OB APPOINTMENT and that Maternity21 test...what? 2nd phase??

I "felt through the crack" at my OB's office for doing the Mmaternity21 test....:(((( turns out the office "forgot" to call me in for the 2nd "confirmation test" after drawing blood in my 1st appointment, now we have completely missed the window. Needless to say, we were and still are pissed. My OB nicely assured us that the 2nd test looks for an extremely rare spinal disorder and he does not think we needed to sweat on this. We are still pissed. Anyway.. S and I are off loose for a little over a month next month (last chance to travel "alone"), I'll have my Glucose test before we leave, and have a few scans done at our destination. This should be fun. My official 2nd OB appointment confirmed everything is on track, since baby N has been kicking me so fiercely, we assume she agrees, too. S is taking ""Proxeed" in order to up sperm quality, he'll undergo (hopefully last) PESA to prepare for our next try for a biological child. The quest is still ON..........

20 week scan;)

All is well with baby N at her 20 week scan, we are so relieved, again. The nurse must have measured every sigle bone is her little active body, including counting the fingers (there are a total of 20 with her feet included!) So far we are told baby N is on track and perfect in every way:)

Need to vent..

Time is going by fast these days, next week I'll be 20weeks ad ready for the anatomy scan. Baby N has been kicking quite strongly so I'm not as concerned about it, but there is always that voice behind the head whispering "what ifs"...anyway I digress...
I need to vent...and it's not about the baby, on that end I'm forever sooooo grateful that we got here, through many many tries...

S and has one and only brother, but they have never been really close (like grab a beer let's go fishing or double dating type).  They never had any fall out, they just had separate lives and lived in distance.  Two years ago S' sister in law passed away, she had been going through treatments, however S wasn't told until she was already in terminal stage, if it wasn't for his nephew who told us.. I knew despite the lack of contacts, S truly cares about his brother, should they need his support.  I encouraged him to reach out to his brother and let him know that he's there for them. S did, and it was really nice to see the two brothers talking.  Today his brother called, which was fairly surprising since we hadn't heard from him since last year. After the phone call S seemed slightly bummed.  I asked what's the matter and how is his brother doing, he said his brother is getting married in May, but S wasn't "invited" (or not-invited, for that metter).  They talked about his brother's wedding plan, and that was it.
So his brother did not invite his own brother to his wedding. It shouldn't be a big deal, right? But I feel so bad for S because I know he feels disappointed and rejected, especially after he broke out of his hard shell to make an effort with his only brother. I think sometimes blood relative take relationships and communications for granted:( Here I'm constantly wishing that I had a sibling..how ironic. 

untitled

So, things are going well.  I'm still feeling anxious but the kicks started a few weeks ago, I can feel the tugging getting stronger by the week:) I think the little peanut is taking a tour around a bit.
S's colleague has been asking about how we are doing, back when we first encountered the twin loss, he said he and his wife lost their son a 6 month gestation, so he knew what we were going through... UM.....that got me really worried for a good while. The thing is, I understand where he was coming from, but that is just NOT the thing to say to a pregnant woman, especially one who just had a twin loss.
On another note, I've finally forced myself (and S) to go through the 4 big boxes of IVF related stuff--I can't believe how much we've invested in making a single baby! I've never recorded how many tubes of gels, bottle of pills or how many needles we've plowed through since 2010, but there would have been twice more stuf if we hadn't moved from NY back to PA...ugh.

IT'S A GIRL!!

Out of the blue, I got a call from my nurse from the OB's office, she asked if we wanted to know the sex of the baby, of course we caved HA!
It's official! Baby GIRL on the way!! :D

15 WEEK SCAN WITH OB

We did it! We are having a BABY!!!! I know it's odd for me to exclaim this now but in the gap between week10 and this morning, just before that magic wand touched my belly, I was feeling so very unconvinced about this pregnancy. Then we saw his/her little head and little legs...then we heard the heart beats... it just now occurred to me that there is indeed this little tiny life growing inside of me, and it is possibly the leading cause of me living in sweatpants due to everything else being unfit. I CAN'T believe how pessimistic I have become since we started the journey to conceive, to perpetually expect nothing but bad news had created permanent damage to my ability on accepting good news.

Well, that won't change for a while BUT here's good news-- All is fine (so far), and all takes a breath (for now).  We also are doing Centruy21 test for assurance.  I will go back at 20 weeks and see how it goes from there.

 

S joked that the baby looks like a giant beetle on the scan, now I can't get it out of my eyes...:/

FIRST OB VISIT, the nurve sets in.

First OB appointment made for next Wednesday, would have liked an earlier time but oh well.  Spoke with the nurse regarding missing tests, etc, later got a call from my OB in person, who was so sweet to congratulate us....last time we saw her was during our first cycle monitoring in Feb last year...time flies..! She said that the only test they would recommend is a one that has to be done before week20, other than that she thinks we're all good. Sadly since there are 5 doctors rotating in her service, I won't be seeing her next week, but she would make sure the new doc is brought up to date on my status.  We are officially going to see our little peanut next Wednesday......SO NERVOUS.  We have not seen her/him since week 10, sure there's a little bump, and the nausea is still around, but sometimes I really wonder if things are cooking alright inside....hmmmmmmm.

GRADUATED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO, I finally received the call (e2 at 29) from a nurse at CCRM today confirming our graduation.
When inquired about our next cycle in a year or two, they will be asking for another ODWU... ugh, bummers.
But HEY, we're moving along! :D
The moon was full and beautiful the other day. I remember during "those" years of struggling with infertility I would always look at the moon and wonder when is it going to be my turn for motherhood...the moon would morph from new to full every month, as I felt flat and still and unprogressed. But I digress...
People-- good people, friends have told us from "try adopting" to outright "stop trying". Of course only a few knew about our Apzoo situation, not even my mom, who kept telling us it wasn't the time and we should just relax. If we hadn't gone to CCRM I imagine we would have been pursuing DE, with or without success.  I am grateful that we worked with CCRM and fought our battle against biological barriers and took a victory, although in a few years we will go right back to where we started, and who knows what's waiting ahead for us then?
Anyway, we're forever grateful in the dreadfully long night of darkness, we finally found the light to our happiness.

Ooooone more test

Finally got the call but not quite the one I wanted--since e2 and p4 are catching up, I'm to stop all pills and do another test this Friday, then maybe, I graduate.
This week I have had terrible stomach in the evening, anything goes in doesn't go down and just stays there like I have no digestive power.:/

The Undregraduate

I'm officially unimpressed at CCRM's fax and patient care rep.
It if not the first time I'm having to chase my own missing result faxed twice to CCRM, and having be told by CCRM's nurse line rep, that "IT IS NOT THEIR FAULT" that "THE FAX IS NOT 100% RELIABLE", and if I asked for my nurse to call RMA directly to obtain my result, wouldn't I know that "THEY WOULD HAVE TO DO THAT WITH EVERY PATIENT?"

GOSH I am terribly sorry to have inconvenienced you this far, CCRM nurse line rep, perhaps my inconsiderate mind was too anxious to be getting the final call from the nurse so I can make my FIRST OB appointment at 13week, SINCE, I have told you, my OB will ONLY book me IF I am released from CCRM.

SO EXCUSE ME IF I SEEM A LITTLE TOO ANXIOUS AND PUSHY WHEN MY RESULT GOES MISSING TWICE FROM YOUR AWESOME FAX MACHINES AND ALL YOU WANT TO STRESS, IS "WELL, YOU KNOW IT'S NOT OUR FAULT".
 --Hey, how about "I'm sorry this has happened (again), let me send the nurse a message so we can put the bussshit away and get you GRADUATED TODAY"???

The on-call doc at RMA called me last night to give me my P4 (33) and E2 (5092), since they can't give me my report directly as an outside patient (makes no sense) and suggested that instead of fax, they would email my result to CCRM.  I really appreciate  the call as it made me feel so much better knowing my P4 has finally caught up since the last check, this means I'll be 100% weaned by today if I can get the nurse to give me those words.

UGH!!:(