What does IF give me

I had often always known, that conceiving was going to be a problem for me.  When I was a late teen, I got pregnant with my boyfriend at the time. I practically lived in junk food; smoked pot; drinking and never ate healthy. Yet I got knocked up without s shred of care.  That was the only time I got pregnant, ever. It's all been down-hill since then. We spent 2 years trying DH's sperm,  then spent the last year trying the DS.  Now I just feel numb, numb from emotions. The roller-coaster ride is not easy, not when I don't see where the end is or it's there at all.